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The purpose of this Glossary is to explain any obscure reference to characters or shows present in some of the stories in this zine. Some people insist on using names referred to in stories not present or like to use characters from old and new television shows no one has ever heard of (or is ever likely to) outside of the Relativity forum. As official Glotterizer for the past 7 issues...
Rupert Giles glanced furtively around. Good, the children had finally gone for the day and Wesley, his replacement from the Watcher's Council, had mumbled something about research and followed Cordelia out, his tongue practically dragging the floor at the young woman's slightest smile or glance.
Giles wiggled his fingers in order to limber them up, then turned on the computer. He frowned at how long it took to get to where he wanted. This device appalled him. No one read boo ks anymore and he believed it was contributing to the ruin of the world, but he was a man on a mission and he would not be swayed, no matter what the hardships.
Months ago he had finally relocated the web site for this "Relativity" family Willow had stumbled upon and had been shocked to find Ian represented so fully, and especially Randi's --condition -- to be written about so -- freely. He had yet to mention it to his cousin. He took comfort in the fact that that site was inaccessible to most. But that was beside the point.
It had taken him a while, but he'd finally figured out how to post entries to the other location the young witch had discovered -- the site about another group called Watchers who followed Immortals.
Giles positioned the dusty, worn-out book he had chosen first at an optimal reading angle. He put his fingers to the keyboard and took a deep breath, but almost choked as a voice from behind startled him.
"Whatcha got there?" Willow Rosenberg began to lean over Giles' shoulder to read.
"Uh, nothing." Giles leaped up to conceal the monitor, fumbling with the glasses that threatened to fall from his nose, finally managing to right them. "Um, I... I... was doing nothing...nothing..." He stopped, suddenly realizing she was the one out of place. "What are you doing here? I thought you said you had a date with Oz."
She sighed wistfully. "We had a cancellation. Band emergency." She brightened. "So I thought I'd come to see if I could help."
"No, er, thank you, but there's nothing I need help with." The ex-Watcher, shifted to the left as Willow again tried to see the monitor.
Willow frowned in confusion at Giles' attitude, then she caught sight of the book. "What are you doing with the Watcher's Diaries? I thought Wesley locked them up and banned you from touching them?" Willow asked suspiciously.
Giles looked up, anger written in his expression. "Like that little prig could keep me out. Do you know he actually had the impudence to pass on from the Council..." He paused to calm and compose himself. "...well, actually, I don't believe I'd like to go into what they suggested. Needless to say, I thought it was about time to let the world know about -- so they could appreciate and praise -- the deeds and exploits of Watcher's Council."
"Ah... Retribution... Cool. Can I help?" Her eyes gleamed with delight.
"I prefer the word justice." He thought for a moment. "Or setting the records straight," he euphamized, then stopped. "They can't trace this, can they?" he asked, suddenly worried.
Willow grinned wickedly. "Not if I help," she advised.
Giles smiled slightly at his now co-conspirator, gallantly waving her to the empty chair. "When we're done, I could use some assistance composing the account of our adventures with Cousin Ian to that Relativity area," he stated. "Would you mind? I'm afraid my writing is just a touch... dry, and I wanted to make it a little more interesting."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Willow apologized. "But I haven't been able to re-find that site again."
"Not to worry. I've put it in that heart-place on this computer," he explained.
"Favorite places?" Willows eyes went large in surprise. "You found it and book-marked it?" She beamed proudly at the librarian. "Giles, we'll make a hacker out of you yet."
"Willow! Hacking is not a proper activity to be conducted by the law-abiding, nor with school property," Giles chastised.
But Willow noted the smile that pulled at his lips. She turned her attention to the screen and began typing the account of the first Slayer and first Watcher and first meeting of the Council, all handed down by word of mouth from before the time of recorded history.
...and I'm trying not to repeat myself from the past too much, but some things need to be explained and some things are traditional and they must be. Of course, maybe one day this space will be devoted to anything I want, and not just what I really should put here. Ya know, I could probably do anything and no one would notice since no one reads my glossary anyway. One day, maybe I just will...
But, if you do need clarification on anything contained in this fanzine, I surely hope we've anticipated your queries and have added it here for your convenience. Have a great day!
APOCRYPHAL COUSINS: Apocryphals -- the poor man's cousins. They're pretty much the down-trodden of the zine (having been in the dreaded "A" section more than the normal, I know of what I speak). Just coz the lunar cycle affects you a little on the unordinary side, or maybe you burn a titch more than the ordinary, every day, average citizen when you try to tan, or giant ghost-chickens haunt you, I don't think you should be singled out. But who am I? I only have the title of co-editor. My vote obviously doesn't count. In fact, time-traveling guys who possess other people's bodies to do their good deeds have almost always been in the "real" section. But, now that I've finally added my story with him to the universe, guess where it's going. Yup. With the werewolves and vamps and demons and flying guys! Justice? I say thee nay! Discrimination!
The deal with the Apocryps is their story line may or may not be considered Relativity reality (say that five times really fast). This is up to the fickle, unexplainable, no-rhyme-or-reason whims of one of the editors (though which one is our behind-the-scenes kinda secret stuff, so don't bother asking. I can't tell you.).
BETHIE: Bethie is a character from a Battlestar Galactica story called "The Quiet Whisper." It has come to our attention that Bethie may not have really died in a hole as previously written. Reports hinted at this last year, but we have finally discovered the truth...
We join the story in progress:
"Staaarrrbbbuuucckkkk," the tiny child wailed as the Colonial Warrior lowered her into the dark opening. "Please don't place me in this hole to die," Bethie pleaded quite eloquently for her age.
"Tradition and destiny say I have to," Starbuck, the swash-buckling, Han Solo-type lieutenant of the Fleet apologized with a shrug. "It's that whole Jill-loves-to-mentally-(and physically if the truth be known)-torment-and-anguish-people thing. But don't worry, she'll write real nicely about how much I suffer over this." He nodded appreciatively. "Try not to cry too loudly," he called, then joined his commanding officer and friend in the battle to get off the planet alive.
"You did the right thing," handsome, righteous Captain Apollo answered. "Besides, a viper's no place for a kid. It was for the best."
"Boy, I could use some Ambrosia when we get out of this safely," Starbuck declared, strolling across the line-of-sight of the worst-shot-in-the-galaxy Cylons. "My treat on the Rising Star..."
Meanwhile, back with our petite heroine:
Despite Starbuck's request, as the floor collapsed beneath her, Bethie screamed very loudly the whole way down the hole. She landed hard <sorry, had to use that phrase just one more time>, and the shaft of light from above revealed a chamber. She immediately noticed the peculiar, large circular thingy off to one side. She stood up and dusted herself off. About to approach the device, Bethie stopped as lights lit and humming sounds emanated from it.
She jumped back as a large WHOOSH! sound filled the chamber and what looked like a plume of water shot forward from the center and then it went backward. The middle of the strangely carved object settled to gleam like a still pond -- until the four people stumbled through.
Bethie backed up, but there was nowhere to hide.
"Oh," Sam, the beautiful doctor-Captain exclaimed. "A lost, little child alone and scared. Can I keep her?"
"Whoa, Carter," Jack, the rugged, ex-pacifist-turned-Colonel-hotshot declared, holding up his hand to stop her. "What if she's booby-trapped like the last few?"
"That is not likely, O'Neil," Teal'c, the pouty-lipped, token alien who looks quite nice when he smiles, ex-Jaffa lectured. "The System Lords feared this planet for some unexplained reason."
"That's good -- isn't it?" Dr. Daniel Jackson, the oh-too-cute-for-words archeologist who held the record for dying more than his companions while on missions, asked. He fumbled to right his glasses as they tilted from hitting his too-big, army-issued helmet. "We're from Earth and we love to take in refugees. Would you like to join us?"
Bethie looked timidly around the group for a moment, then threw herself into Daniel's arms. "Only if I get to stay with you," the child with incredibly good taste exclaimed, as she buried her face in his way-too-muscular-for-a-scholar chest.
Jack shrugged sarcastically. "Guess you've got another one for your collection, Captain."
They all laughed good-naturedly at Jack's witty comment about the precious little girl, with the exception of Teal'c who pouted less.
"Dial us home, Daniel," Jack directed. "Can't remember why we came here anyway."
20 Yahrens later - finally at Earth:
"We made it, buddy," Starbuck, the still swashbuckling, gambler, rogue of the Fleet, announced.
The older, just as handsome Apollo, now leader of his people at his father's passing, sighed heavily. "Wonder what they'll be like? This was father's dream."
"I'm sure we'll be welcomed with open arms," Starbuck assured. "They gotta love us." He smiled smarmily. "Everybody does."
Apollo straightened his robes. "C'mon." They walked down the ceremonial ramp.
The Supreme Commander of Earth's united military smiled brilliantly at the newcomers. She wore the insignia of SG-1 on her dress uniform.
Starbuck shot his friend an "I-told-ya-so" look. "Women just love us," he leaned over and whispered, stopping in front of the petite soldier.
"Put 'em in a hole," Bethie commanded and turned away. "Drinks are on me, guys," she informed her staff.
BEWITCHED: Not in a million years would I have ever thought I'd be explaining Bewitched, but here it is. Samantha (not the one from the above-mentioned SG-1) married Darin. Then she told him she was a witch. (Note: Pru should have taken used this approach with Andy in Charmed. Why else have I invested a whole season in watching that stupid show if they're not gonna get together... What would the point have been? Thank you for letting me express my obviously brilliant opinion.) And they had a neighbor... Do you really need more than this?
FOREVER KNIGHT: Couple of points on Forever Knight: First, Rick versus Geraint. I would watch Rick Springfield read a phone book -- I never give up my first loves and he's been one since I first heard "Speak to the Sky" in the 70's. Rick did the original pilot called Nick Knight and as much as I enjoyed Geraint and the series, I still see Rick in my mind's eye. You can have the choice of which you wanna see (I can be generous when I can't do anything to stop you).
Second, the series finale. It sucked! (I can say sucked in this zine, can't I, Jill?) Now it doesn't.
Oh, right. Nick Knight was an ancient vampire, who finally managed to gain a conscious and tried to go straight. He became a cop (who only worked nights) to right wrongs and pay for his past sins.
MURPHY'S LEG: Fans of first season Remington Steele may not remember Murphy Michaels having a limp in the show. He didn't. Jill gave it to him after he almost died in a cave in "Will You Steele Need Me?" published in Steele Files I and reprinted in Works of Steele (available from me, ask for details). Murph is glad to say that he has banned all use of this plot device starting with this issue. No mention will be made again (unless he's not looking and I need to use it - hah, that'll show him for trying to be so bossy).
SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Let's talk about Dotty... er Abigail... um Ellen... uh Ernie's step-mom,... oh Annie's step-mom -- what the heck -- Beverly Garland. There are a few universes established out there that have Dotty (Amanda's mum from SMK) and Abigail (Laura's mother from RS) as twin sisters, but Relativity has never gone this route. We have had, however, some serious speculation that Ellen (Lois' mom from L&C) could be related to them. Ms. Garland is certainly the mother of all mothers. Cool, huh. (How many remember watching My Three Sons in it's original run? Hated Dodie, by the way.) And now she's going to be Annie's step-mama on Seventh Heaven. So far we're up to Septuplets.
SOMETHING IS OUT THERE: Though short-lived, this had probably one of the best office support staffs there ever has been or ever will be in television history. Oh, and the show was fun too. Guess I need to be a little more specific: Beautiful Ta'ra was stranded on Earth. Ruggedly handsome Jack took her in. They battled evil-doers and the Xenomorph (icky creature -- really) that came here at the same time.
SPELL CHECK: Spell check is not perfect! "Replace All" without approving is bbbbaaaaaadddddd. And most important of all -- Computers are critics who spell poorly and punctuate even worse. They have control of your stories when you're not looking and change things without permission. I will expose this on the fact-based X-Files series next year -- when Chris Carter finally returns my calls. ;-)
TIME TUNNEL: Speaking of first loves -- aaahhh, heavy sigh! James Darren. Okay, okay. Tony and Doug enter the Tunnel. Tony and Doug can't get home. Tony longs to say ha-ha-ha to his critics -- his toy does work -- mostly. Doug just wants to get back to Ann whom he's secretly in love with. Instead, they have to face historical figures (that make Voyagers' slant on history look perfect) and battle Irwin Allen monsters stolen from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. Still a must see series. Really, I swear.
VOYAGERS: - Not to be confused with Voyager -- though they have a better claim to the "s" than did VoyaGERS as VoyaGERS were only two and VoyaGER has many, many more, though technically, Star Trek: Voyager is the correct title, but no one really pays attention to that. And we have had the VoyaGER universe make an appearance before. Oh, yeah, uh... Voyagers was a short-lived series on NBC that aired on Sunday nights. Phineas Bogg was a crusty-young-ex-pirate-turned-Voyager who had been distracted by a blonde during his time-travel history lessons and Jeffrey Jones was the young boy who accidentally became Bogg's history-book-on-legs companion. They traveled through time to help history along where it went off course. A lot of fun, though maybe not completely and totally historically accurate (re accuracy -- don't get Jill going on the recent Noah's Arc miniseries -- really, it's for our own good ;-).