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THE ACCIDENT
BY
ERIN CADY
(ARLINGTON, MARCH 1988)
Amanda Stetson gave a deep sigh as she turned into the driveway, relieved to be home at last. It had been a long, stressful day. First, she'd overslept. Then she'd been partnered with Duncan -- which had been a disaster from the start, when he'd spilled his coffee all over her -- to the finish, when they'd ended up in a shootout. The day had eventually culminated with Billy grimly reprimanding her about Agency policy. And to top it all off, Lee had been gone for over a week at an interagency conference in Germany. The Q-Bureau had just seemed so empty without him.
She flipped off the ignition and pulled out the key. Now, all she wanted to do was to put it all behind her. Lee was returning from his trip later this evening, and with the boys spending the night at their dad's, she anticipated the warmth of their reunion as the one good thing left to her out of the whole mess. She couldn't wait to be snuggled back in his arms.
When she let herself into the kitchen, she was startled to see Lee already there, obviously waiting for her.
"Hi," she greeted with a radiant smile. "Didn't expect to see you home yet." She dropped her purse and keys on the kitchen table and moved to hug him. "Did the conference end early?" She frowned at Lee's serious expression.
"Yeah, we got out of there around noon, so I caught an earlier flight." His tone was flat, causing Amanda to take a step back.
"Lee, what's wrong?" she asked, puzzled as he turned away from her. She reached out a hand to touch his back, only to feel how taut the muscles were, like coiled springs. "Did I do something wrong?" she persisted, baffled now as to what would make him act like this.
Lee didn't answer her questions directly. Instead he gripped the edge of the sink with white knuckles and began speaking in a low voice. "I called the Agency when I got home today," he told her. "You'd just left, so I talked to Billy." Lee paused and Amanda could see the tell-tale workings of his jaw. "He told me about what happened at the warehouse this afternoon."
He swung around and the anger in his face caught her off guard. "What were you thinking," he demanded hotly. "You know better than to go into a situation without any back up. Billy said that it was a level one stakeout, Amanda... no contact with the targets."
Amanda knew in her heart that Lee's anger was merely a result of his fear for her safety, but the tone he was taking made her feel like a child and she didn't like it. It was a further indication of just how worried he was that he didn't see the anger smoldering in her own eyes at his rebuke.
"You weren't even briefed on the layout of the building," he continued in disbelief. "You had absolutely no idea how many of those guys, bad guys with guns I might add, could have been in there. You know better than that!" he repeated.
"You're yelling at me," Amanda stated evenly, trying to control her own reaction.
"I'm not yelling!" Lee took a deep breath to calm himself and raked his fingers through his hair. "You could have been killed," he accused, but his voice was softer.
The words stung, pushing the carefully planned explanations Amanda had practiced all day far from her mind -- how Duncan had leapt from the car, gun drawn, disregarding her outstretched hand to stop him, how she had raced after him with no time to call for back up. She had wanted to reassure Lee herself that she was all right, but most importantly of all, she wanted him to simply hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. The last thing she expected was for him to jump down her throat the minute she walked through the door.
"Of course I know better than to make a move without backup," she retorted hotly. "But I didn't have a choice. While you were having a great time in Germany eating strudel, I was stuck with wonder boy."
Lee opened his mouth, but she held up a hand stopping him.
"It was supposed to be a simple surveillance, but things started to go down and Duncan decided to be the hero."
She swallowed, forcing down her temper along with the memory of the hail of bullets whizzing by her head, biting out chips of drywall as she'd pulled the young agent to the ground with her. "Lee, I couldn't let him go in alone," she reasoned. "He would've been killed for sure. What else could I do?"
"You could have waited," Lee shot back. He began to pace restlessly. "Amanda, Duncan knows the regulations. If he wants to ignore them and get himself killed, then it's his own damn fault." He flashed her a look. "You shouldn't risk your life because of his stupidity."
Amanda was appalled. "Lee, he's just a kid. I couldn't live with myself if I'd just sat there and let him be gunned down. Those men would've thought nothing of killing him."
"So you gave them one more target to shoot at, huh? What would've happened if the replacement team hadn't arrived when it did?" He glared at her. "What?" He reached out to grab her arms as if he wanted to shake her, making her feel even more like a little girl. "Amanda, two people died today. Don't you know how it makes me feel to think that one of them could've been you." Lee released her, took one deep breath and then another, but his eyes still burned with the intensity of his feelings.
She blinked back tears. This had to be the worst day in history. "Look, I know I made a mistake. How could I not know after everything that's happened today? I had to watch two men's bodies being bagged while Billy recited every regulation I broke." Her voice broke. "I did what I thought was right. I could use a little support, not you yelling..."
"I am not yelling!" he bellowed.
"...at me for something I've already been chewed out for royally by Billy. Okay, I made a mistake, but at least I admit mine." Amanda's eyes were blazing as she picked up her car keys again and turned towards the door.
Lee felt like he'd been slugged in the gut. Reeling from her words, he was at a loss for what to say or do. "Amanda wait," he finally sputtered as she strode purposefully to the door. "Amanda!"
The slam of the door was still ringing in his ears as Amanda's car disappeared down the street, leaving Lee standing there, wondering what had just happened.
Almost immediately Amanda regretted her own impulsiveness. She had never walked out in the middle of an argument before. What was wrong with her? She hit the steering wheel with the palm of her hand. Fighting with Lee was the last thing she'd wanted to do. It was simply the last straw.
Dashing tears from her eyes, she drove through the pounding rain and silently went over the events of the day again in her mind, barely noticing the fact that the icy weather perfectly matched her mood.
What could she have done differently? She sighed, her breath fogging the window. She shouldn't have taken her frustration out on Lee. She knew he was only speaking out of concern. She was the one person who knew Lee Stetson's motivations. He would never have gotten so angry if he didn't care so much. Maybe he'd been expecting a nice evening too, the rational part of her defended. She had taken a big chance that afternoon; he had a right to be worried.
Lee was right. If help hadn't arrived when it did, she would have been dead. The thought of it drove an odd chill down her spine. Nothing had gone as planned since she'd opened her eyes that morning. Her mouth twisted into a rueful grimace. She should have stayed in bed.
She took in a deep breath, held it and then let it out. Coming to a decision, she finally turned the car around and headed for home, determined to apologize to Lee for the way things had ended. Peering forward, she struggled to see through the blinding rain. With her mind on what she wanted say to Lee, she didn't see the sharp curve in the road until it was too late.
Lee looked at the clock for what had to be the hundredth time as he paced back and forth in the den. Amanda had been gone for hours and he was starting to get worried. He walked over and picked up their wedding picture, taken just over a year ago. He traced a finger down the flat image of her cheek and smiled at the memory of that special day when he had promised to love and support Amanda for the rest of their lives.
Thinking back on their fight, he grimaced and set the picture back down. Some support he'd been. She'd had an awful experience, and instead of being there for her, he'd screamed at her, making her feel even worse. Shaking his head, he moved to look out the window, wishing she'd get home soon so he could sweep her into his arms and tell her how sorry he was.
"Come on, Amanda," he urged silently. "Where are you?"
The shrill ring of the phone jarred him out of his reverie. "Amanda?" he asked expectantly.
"Is this the home of Amanda Stetson?" the unfamiliar voice on the other end of the line questioned.
Lee's blood ran cold as a strange foreboding gripped him. "Yes, I'm her husband. Can I help you?"
The voice on the other ended lost its official detachment. "I'm with the Maryland Police Department. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, sir. There's been an accident."
The hospital doors swung open as the paramedics raced in, frantically monitoring their patient's vital signs. Immediately, doctors and nurses converged on the gurney, firing off questions at lightning speed.
"What's the situation here?"
"Tree versus car."
"B.P.?"
"90 over 60."
"Level of consciousness?"
"She's drifting in and out. Never fully coherent."
"Injuries?"
"We suspect internal bleeding, concussion, broken bones."
"Okay people, let's do the run down."
Voices randomly called out information. "Pupils are not equal and reactive to light."
"We've got fluid coming from her right ear."
"Halo effect?"
"Yes."
"Patient responds to sternal rub."
"We've got a second degree R/U fracture in her left arm."
"Ma'am, can you hear me? Ma'am, if you can hear me, squeeze my fingers."
"Lee?" The word came in a mumble.
"What's her name?"
An orderly pulled out a wallet. "Amanda Stetson."
"Amanda? Amanda, if you can hear me, squeeze my fingers."
"Lee. I'm sorry, Lee." Her voice was barely audible as she drifted into unconsciousness once again.
"Amanda?"
Suddenly a voice hollered, "B.P.'s dropping! Get the crash cart! We're losing her!" Within seconds the horrible wail of the flat line filled the room.
Lee screeched to a halt in the hospital parking lot, vaguely aware that he was lucky he hadn't gotten into an accident himself on the way there, but too worried about Amanda to really care. Barely taking time to pull his keys out of the ignition, he sprinted across the pavement and burst through the hospital doors, desperate for information. Slowing only slightly, he approached the nurses' station, firing off questions before the woman behind the counter even had time to acknowledge him. "I'm Lee Stetson. I was told my wife was brought in here earlier. Her name is Amanda Stetson. Where is she? Is she all right?"
Before the nurse could respond, a police officer intervened. "Mr. Stetson?" he verified, stepping closer at Lee's affirmation. "I'm Officer Graham. I talked to you on the phone."
Lee turned his inquiry on the officer. "What happened? How's Amanda? Is she okay?"
The officer guided him away from the nurses' station. "As I told you on the phone. Your wife was involved in a car accident. I'm afraid it was pretty serious."
"How serious?" Lee asked hoarsely.
The officer's eyes were sympathetic. "As I said, very serious," he answered. "Apparently she lost control of the vehicle, probably from the icy road conditions. She wrapped her car around a tree."
Lee took a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling, trying to keep his emotions in check as he absorbed the information. He felt like he was in the middle of a terrible nightmare. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. Finally, he brought his eyes back to the officer, trying to focus on what the man was saying.
"It took rescue crews awhile to get her out."
Lee couldn't stand not knowing anymore; it was driving him crazy. "Please... is she alive?" he finally managed to force through the lump in his throat.
"She was when they brought her in," the officer answered honestly, "but I don't know beyond that." Reaching out, he clasped Lee on the shoulder and added, "Look, the doctors will tell you as soon as they know anything. Try not to think the worst until you know more."
The officer turned to go, but before leaving, he took one more look at the distraught man, standing as if he were in a daze. "Is there anyone I can call to come wait with you?" he asked.
Lee shook his head slowly in response. "No, I don't want to worry her mother or the kids until I know more. I'll call them as soon as I know... if..." He couldn't finish his sentence, not wanting to even mention for an instant the possibility that Amanda might die. The officer silently nodded, his eyes filled with compassion, then turned and walked away.
Lee was leaning forward in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, his head in his hands, when the doctor emerged a few hours later.
"Mr. Stetson?" the doctor called to the room in general.
Lee's head snapped up and he stood on rubbery legs. "Yes?" He strode toward the doctor, afraid to hear what he had to say. "How is she?" His voice was steadier than he'd have thought possible.
The physician extended his hand as Lee reached him. "I'm Dr. Reed. She's stable now, but I'm afraid she's still in critical condition."
Lee returned the handshake. He felt like a ton of bricks had settled in his stomach. The doctor motioned for him to follow to a more secluded part of the hallway before continuing.
"She sustained major injuries. Honestly... I'm surprised she's still with us. We managed to control the internal bleeding... but her CAT scan came back positive for a skull fracture. What we're most concerned about is pressure on the brain, but she was semi-conscious when she was first brought in." He paused and gave Lee a slight smile. "That's encouraging. In fact, she was calling for you, saying over and over again how sorry she was. That's also a good indicator that her motor and verbal pathways were still intact before she lost consciousness."
Lee felt like the breath had been knocked out of him and his attention wrenched from what the doctor was saying. She'd been trying to apologize to him. God, why? It had all been his fault. He'd pushed her away. He'd... "When can I see her?" he rasped, interrupting the doctor's words.
"As I was saying," Dr. Reed repeated gently. "She's in a coma. Her body just couldn't take it all. We're doing everything we can for her, but really, only time will tell. They're still getting her settled in intensive care, but once she's there, you can see her." He steered him back to the waiting room. "I wish I could tell you more, but there's nothing much to do now except watch and wait. I'll let you know when we're ready for you."
Lee watched as the doctor turned and headed back towards the ICU. He struggled to get a hold on his emotions. He had to pull himself together -- Amanda would count on him to be there for her mother and the boys. Taking a deep breath, he walked toward the phones, rehearsing in his mind what he would tell Dotty. As he picked up the receiver, he had a sickening feeling of deja vu as he remembered a similar call from a hospital in California. Dialing the familiar number, he waited for someone to answer.
Curt's groggy voice came through the receiver. "Hello?"
"Curt? It's Lee."
"Lee? What are you doing calling at this hour? Is something wrong?"
Lee hesitated a moment. "Yeah... I'm afraid something is very wrong."
"Lee, what is it?" Dotty's worried voice joined her husband's as she pressed her ear to the phone. "What's happened?"
He didn't know an easy way to put it. "I'm at the hospital. Amanda's been in an accident. It's...it's pretty bad." He swallowed hard. "I think you should get down here."
"We're on our way."
Lee reached up and pressed the button to hang up the phone but instead of replacing the receiver, he held it in his hand, staring at it for a long moment. He dreaded making the next call. How was he going to tell Phillip and Jamie that their mother was in the hospital, once again, hanging onto life by a thread? With a heavy hand, he reached out to punch the number pad once more.
Joe answered on the second ring. "Hello?" he mumbled in irritation.
"Joe? It's Lee. I'm sorry to bother you but I... I have some bad news.
Lee wasn't prepared for what he saw when he walked into Amanda's room a short while later. He stiffened as his eyes took in the sight of her pale broken body, lying still in the bed. She looked so fragile in the midst of all the machinery beeping around her, like a small bird that had fallen from its nest. A huge white bandage covered part of her forehead and her arm lay in a cast by her side. IV's dripped into her seemingly translucent skin and a ventilator hissed softly beside her, pumping vital, life-giving air into and out of her lungs. Lee stood as if in a daze, hardly believing that the ghostly form he saw lying before him was the same strong, fiery Amanda who just hours before had faced him in the kitchen, so full of energy and life.
This was his fault, he thought, as he slowly sank down in the chair beside her. He had caused this. His temper and harsh words had sent her running from the house, away from him and out into the car and the cold night rain. Reaching out, he took her hand and held it gently in his own. If only he hadn't yelled at her. If only he hadn't criticized her. If only... there were too many if onlys. His free hand softly caressed her bruised cheek. He could have prevented this. Why hadn't he stopped her? Why hadn't he run after her and tell her he was sorry? Why had he allowed their last words to be spoken in anger? Pressing her hand against his cheek, he forced the words past the knot in his chest.
"Amanda... I'm so sorry. It's just... I was just so scared when Billy told me what happened. All I could think about was how I could have lost you... how you could have been killed in that warehouse." The irony of his words was not lost on him. "The longer I sat waiting for you to get home, the angrier I got at you for taking that kind of risk. I didn't even give you a chance to say hello; I just jumped down your throat."
Her fingers were so cold and still under his own. "I don't blame you for needing some space. But please, Amanda, please don't leave me. I can't do this without you. Please forgive me. I never meant for this to happen. I love you."
He leaned down and breathed into her ear. "I'm so sorry." Guilt engulfed him as he sat there, desperately hoping she could hear him, trying to ignore the nagging fear that had settled in his stomach that their last words might have already been spoken.
"Amanda," Dotty whispered in anguish.
Lee's head popped up. He hadn't even noticed Dotty and Curt's arrival. Gently squeezing Amanda's hand, he laid it back down beside her and stood to greet them.
Seeing the pain in his eyes, Dotty enveloped him in a motherly hug. She had never seen Lee this upset before. Even when things were at their worst in California, when Amanda had been shot, he'd always managed to keep his composure, no matter how much of a struggle it was to do so. Now, seeing him like this, so haggard, she was frightened. Pulling back, she glanced down at Amanda, then back up at Lee.
"How is she?" she asked quietly, fearful of the answer.
"She's in a coma." His voice was husky with suppressed emotion. "There's nothing to do but wait."
Dotty's hand flew up to her mouth. Curt stepped up from behind, taking her into his arms. "Did the doctor say how long it would be?" he asked in concern.
Lee's mouth was a thin, tight line. "No, just that the next few hours are crucial. He did say the sooner she wakes up, the better her chances are for a complete recovery." He turned back to Amanda and shook his head slowly. "This is all my fault," he murmured brokenly.
Dotty laid her hand on his arm, her face filled with concern. "Lee, accidents happen. You couldn't have known this would happen."
Lee refused to look at her. "No, this is my fault," he insisted. "We had a fight."
Understanding dawned on Dotty. "That's why she was out driving?" she clarified.
Keeping his gaze averted, afraid he would see the accusation in her eyes, accusations he believed he deserved, Lee nodded mutely.
"I came down on her the minute she walked in the door. It was the capper to a pretty bad day." Finally he glanced up to meet Dotty's eyes, his words anguished. "I pushed her away. It's because of me she's here."
Dotty's eyes were filled with compassion, not recriminations, as she reached out to hug Lee once again. He had become like her own son in the couple of years she'd known him, and it tore at her to see him in so much pain. She knew how passionately he loved her daughter, how fiercely he protected her, so she also knew how difficult this was for him. He was feeling like he'd somehow let Amanda down, causing her to get hurt. She struggled to find the words to let him know he wasn't to blame.
"Lee, your argument didn't cause this. Amanda could have gone out to run a quick errand and had the same thing happen. It's no one's fault." Dotty squeezed his hand. "I don't blame you, the boys won't blame you, and trust me on this one, Amanda won't either."
Lee's focus shifted to Amanda once again. "I blame me," he whispered hoarsely.
Dotty took his chin in her hand, turning his face towards her and forced him to look at her. "I don't know about you, but I'm not giving up on her. Amanda's strong and stubborn, she's going to fight with everything she has to get through this. She will make it, I promise you."
Lee's lips twitched in a vague resemblance of a smile. "You sound just like her. Now I know where she gets it from. And you're right, she is the strongest, most stubborn woman I know." Returning his gaze to his wife, he added quietly, "I just hope that's enough."
"Lee, do the boys know what's happened?" Dotty changed the subject.
"Yeah, I called Joe right after talking to you. They should be here any minute now." Lee glanced at his watch.
"We're here." Joe's voice startled them all. "Oh my God! What happened?" he exclaimed in shock as he saw Amanda lying in the bed.
"Joe, where are the boys?" Lee asked, his face becoming a stoic mask of control as he shut down all his emotions and gathered his strength to help his stepsons.
"They're in the hall. I didn't think they should come in until I knew what kind of shape Amanda was in."
"I'll go talk to them."
"Lee, wait." Joe stopped him. "What are you going to tell them?"
Lee didn't hesitate to answer. "The truth."
"Do you think that's wise? They're just kids."
Lee kept his voice low, conscious of his wife only a few feet away. "She's in bad shape, Joe. We can't lie to them about that."
The two men regarded each other for a moment. Then Joe looked back at Amanda again. Finally, he stepped aside.
"Go ahead. I'll be there in a minute."
Lee found the boys waiting near the entrance of the ICU. Both looked so scared and young. Phillip was hovering by the nurses' station, his persistent questions obviously being met by formulaic responses. Jamie sat hunched in one of the waiting room chairs, his face pinched with apprehension.
Standing there watching them, Lee was struck anew by how much of Amanda he could see in her boys -- her unguarded sensitivity in Jamie's wan expression and her stubborn determination in Phillip's dogged pursuit of information. The similarities, especially now, caused a sharp sensation in his chest.
He thought back to when they'd first met. He remembered how uncomfortable they'd all been -- the boys not knowing how he was going to affect their lives, afraid this new stranger was going to take their mother away from them -- and Lee trying to find a way to gain their trust. Through it all, Amanda had been the glue that held them all together. She had managed to reassure the boys, convincing them to give Lee a chance, and she'd helped Lee find ways to get to know them, had encouraged him when times got rough. She had made them all a family. Now it was up to Lee to keep that family together. Amanda was counting on him. Taking a deep breath, he headed over to Phillip and Jamie.
"And that's all we know right now," Lee wrapped up a few minutes later as he sat next to his stepsons. Both boys were silent, absorbing the information. Lee watched them closely, not quite sure what to expect. He could tell they were trying to be strong, but he could see the fear in their eyes. He wished he could protect them from this, wished he could take away their pain, but he was as helpless to do anything as they were. Not really sure what to say, he waited for them to make the next move.
Finally, Phillip broke the silence, looking up with an expression that caused Lee's heart to ache. "Can we see her?" he asked quietly, sounding even younger than his 15 years.
Lee nodded slightly. "Sure. Come on." He put a fatherly hand on both boys' shoulders as he guided them towards their mother. "She's hooked up to a lot of machines," Lee cautioned, entering the ICU. "And a ventilator's helping her to breathe. Don't let that scare you. The doctors want to keep a close eye on her."
They reached Amanda's room just as Joe headed out to look for them.
"How're you guys doing?" he asked in concern.
"Okay," Jamie responded, but the shakiness of his voice told otherwise.
"We just want to see Mom," Phillip added.
Jamie and Phillip moved to enter the room but Joe stopped them. "Are you sure you're ready?"
"Dad, Lee told us what to expect. We want to see her. She needs us." Before his father could protest, Phillip stepped past him and into the room with Jamie right behind him.
For all their bravado, however, both were momentarily stunned at the sight of their mother. Even with Lee's warning, it was still hard to see her this way. As they stood there staring at her, Lee came up behind them and placed his hands on their shoulders once again. "Why don't you go talk to her, let her know you're here," he suggested quietly.
The boys looked at him incredulously. "But she's unconscious," Jamie argued. "Can she hear us?"
Lee squeezed his shoulder. "The doctor thinks she can. He told me that the best thing we can do is talk to her, let her know how much we love her and how much we need her."
Dotty motioned her grandsons forward. "Lee's right, your mom needs to know you're here. So come on, you can sit here." Jamie and Phillip approached the bed. "Go ahead, take her hand, talk to her," Dotty reassured.
Phillip sat down and made the first move. Reaching out, he cautiously covered his mother's hand with his own. "Mom... we're here, we're all here with you."
Jamie leaned against the bed. "Yeah, Mom -- Phillip, me, Lee, Grandma, Curt, Dad, we're all right here." He barely repressed a sob as he stared at his mother's still face. "We love you. We need you to get better."
Dotty rubbed a hand comfortingly on his back and he turned to her, burying himself in her arms as quiet tears slid down his cheeks.
Phillip glanced at his brother then back to Amanda. "Jamie's right, Mom, we all need you. You have to wake up. You have to stay with us." He squeezed her hand convulsively, holding back his own tears.
Dotty put a hand on both of the boys' shoulders, worried they'd had enough. "It's been a long night for all of us. Why don't we let your mom get her rest?" she softly suggested. "We'll come back first thing in the morning."
Lee agreed. "That sounds like a good idea. There's nothing much you can do for her tonight."
Phillip nodded his head. "If you think that's best for Mom." He leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek. "Night, Mom. I love you."
Jamie followed suit, then they both headed into the hallway with their father.
As soon as they were gone, Lee turned to Dotty. "Would you mind taking the boys home and staying with them, tonight? With everything going on, I think it would do them some good to be in their own beds. Besides, I think they could use some grandmotherly pampering right now."
Dotty agreed without hesitation. "Of course, Lee. I figured I wouldn't be able to get you away from here tonight." She looked at him worriedly. "You take care of yourself, though, you hear? Try to get some rest."
Lee smiled softly in reply. "I will." He turned back, his gaze focusing on Amanda's quiet face. "I just need to be close to her."
Dotty smiled in understanding. "I know." She gave him a comforting hug. "I'll see you in the morning."
He watched her walk out of the room, then sat beside Amanda once again. He took her hand, holding it tightly in his own. He leaned forward, carefully stroking her cheek, then kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I'm here, Amanda. I'm not going anywhere."
Dotty paused in the doorway, worry etched on her features, then she turned and put an arm around each of the boys, leading them out of the ICU.
When Dotty returned the next morning, she found Lee sitting exactly where she had last seen him. He still held Amanda's hand in his own, but his head was resting on top of it as he slept in what had to be a very uncomfortable position. True to his word, he had not left her side all night.
When Billy walked in later that afternoon, Lee was once again sitting alone in the room with Amanda, stroking her arm and talking to her about some of the crazy things that had happened to them in the past. With his attention focused on Amanda, Lee didn't notice him right away, so Billy just stood there listening for a few moments.
"Remember how long it took us to kiss for the first time? I mean, to kiss for real, not because we had to maintain some sort of cover. Remember that? It seemed like every time we tried, something would interrupt us. Let's see, the first time I had to dress in that W.C. Fields costume just to get past the party going on around your house. Boy, was your mother surprised when she opened that door! Remember her expression?"
Lee allowed himself to laugh lightly at the memory. "She thought you were kissing Buck. Then, there was that time in the woods, when we were handcuffed together. You were cold. I put my arm around you. I'll tell you something, Amanda... if that gun hadn't gone off, I don't know what would have happened that night. Somehow, that look in your eyes changed everything. It haunted me. It really did. It kept me up nights trying to figure out how come I couldn't go back to thinking of you as just a friend. I fought it, I tried not to admit I was falling for you, but the war was already over. I was hooked. You'd gotten to me. It was just a matter of time. And I'll never forget that first true kiss." His expression turned inward.
"After all those interruptions... by the bad guys, your family, Francine. Finally I thought we were going to get the chance to finish what we'd started. But even then, Billy and Francine almost interrupted us. I would have loved to have seen Billy's face when he heard that door lock. There was no way I was going to miss that chance. We had waited too long already. It was worth the wait, though."
He closed his eyes for a minute, savoring the memory. Finally, he opened them back up and focused on her features. "Amanda... I need you to get better. I need you here to make that magic again. So you've got to get better now."
Feeling like he was intruding, Billy cleared his throat loudly. Lee turned at the sound. The older man could see the naked emotion in his friend's eyes before it was quickly masked again.
"Billy," Lee greeted, moving to stand and take the flower arrangement Billy held in his hands. "Thanks. These are nice. Amanda loves fresh flowers."
Billy nodded slightly. He glanced at Amanda, taking everything in, then looked back at Lee, concern evident in his face. "How's she doing?"
Lee sighed and shook his head. "She's holding on, but she's still critical. All we can do is sit and wait."
Billy chewed on his lower lip, uncertain what words of comfort he could give the distraught man. "Amanda's strong, Lee," he finally offered, "she'll get through this."
Lee's nerves were on edge. He'd been trying so hard to be strong for everyone else, he wasn't sure he could do it anymore. He couldn't pretend everything was going to be okay.
"How can you know?" he lashed out at Billy, overwhelmed by his fear. "How can you be so positive she'll pull through this time? Huh? Everyone keeps saying that, but how do we know?" He gazed at his wife in anguish and his voice lowered once again. "What if we're all asking too much of her this time?"
It had been six days. Lee watched through bloodshot eyes as the nurse came in for her periodic check -- a routine that had become eerily familiar to him. It unnerved him to realize that he was beginning to draw some kind of comfort from it. This recurrent ritual provided some kind of stability, knowing he could count on Nurse Richards every two hours in the morning and Nurse Roth every two hours at night. Their presence reminded him that Amanda was still alive, that she still had a chance. It distracted him momentarily from the nagging fear eating away at him, the fear that the woman he loved was dying.
There had been no improvement in Amanda's condition. Lee knew every day she stayed in a coma, her chances became even slimmer of ever coming out of it. He was frightened, more afraid than he'd ever been in his entire life, and he felt helpless that he could do nothing more for her than hold her hand and tell her how much he loved her.
The nurse finished her task and jotted down a note on Amanda's chart, then quietly left once again, passing Dotty on her way out. Stopping briefly at the older woman's side, she glanced at Lee then back up at Dotty, shaking her head. "He needs a break," she whispered.
Dotty nodded slowly. "I know. But I can't convince him to leave her side."
Nurse Richards smiled a worried but understanding smile, lightly touched Dotty's shoulder, then turned and left her alone.
Dotty walked towards Amanda's bed, silently noting how terrible Lee looked. As she reached the bed and his tired eyes peered up at her from a shadowed face, she realized something needed to be done. She had to find a way to force him to get some sleep and a decent meal.
Reaching out, she grabbed for his free hand and squeezed it affectionately. "How's she doing?"
His haggard face turned towards Amanda. "No change," he rasped.
Dotty noted the hoarseness in his voice from lack of sleep. She tugged on his hand until he looked at her again. "You need to get some rest," she gently advised.
Lee pulled away from her grasp "I can't. I can't leave her," he stated resolutely.
Dotty knelt in front of him. "Lee, you can't keep going like this. You won't do her any good if you run yourself into the ground." She lifted his chin, struck by the deep affection she had for this man. She had no sons, but she could have wished for no better one than Lee Stetson. She gave him what she hoped was an encouraging smile.
"Nothing bad is going to happen simply because you go home for a few hours to get some sleep," she advised. "The boys and I will stay with her the whole time. She won't be alone."
Lee considered her words for a moment, then shook his head. "No, I can't do it. I can't walk away from her. She needs me here. I have to be here." His words were haunted.
"No, you don't... not at this moment," Dotty declared firmly. "If you don't get some rest now, you won't be able to be here when she does need you." Her eyes blazed defiantly. "Do you really think Amanda would want to see you like this?"
At her words, he looked up at her sharply, then quickly away, but Dotty knew she had finally gotten through. "You know darn well she'd be saying the same thing, don't you?" she pushed.
Her words struck something deep inside of Lee, startling him. "I swear that was Amanda talking," he commented with a small dry chuckle.
Dotty allowed herself a watery grin. "Well, you know what they say, 'Like Mother, Like Daughter'." She grew serious. "So, what do you say? Will you go home and get some sleep?"
Entering their home a short while later, Lee immediately became aware of the emptiness that greeted him. The house, usually so warm and full of life, seemed eerily quiet. Setting his keys down, he wandered aimlessly into the kitchen, suddenly transported back in his mind to a few days earlier, the last time he had spoken with Amanda. A tightness in his chest choked off his breath as he stood frozen, staring at the spot where Amanda had stood. Closing his eyes, he replayed the scene in his mind, trying with all his being to turn back the clock, to give himself the chance to change what had happened.
As if in a dream, the back door opened and he watched Amanda enter, setting her bag on the counter and greeting him with that sparkling smile meant just for him. Relief flooded him. The world spun out of control as his mind focused on one thought, It was really just a bad dream.
As if in a daze, he moved towards her, breathing her name. "Amanda! Thank God you're all right!" He reached out to draw her into his arms, but before he could touch her, she was gone.
Jolted back into reality, he opened his eyes and focused once again on the empty kitchen. Empty. Slowly he sank to the floor, his back to the counter, his face in his hands. He sat like that for several moments, before finally lifting his head once again. Numbly, he rose to his feet. "What's happening to me?" he mumbled to himself. "I need sleep."
Wandering into their bedroom, his exhausted gaze swept the room. It was obvious it hadn't been touched since the morning of the accident. Seeing the hastily made bed and general chaos, Lee realized Amanda must have been running late that morning.
Moving slowly, he sat down on the edge of the bed. His eyes took in the cluttered dresser top, the open closet, and the makeup scattered across the vanity. Everything in the room reminded him of her, of the life they shared together. From the pictures of Jamie and Phillip sitting alongside ones of him and Amanda on the nightstand, to their clothes hanging side by side in the closet, he couldn't escape the memories.
He lay back on the bed to stare unseeing up at the ceiling, only to feel his hand brush Amanda's nightgown, laying where she had dropped it in her haste. Rolling to his side, he reached out and pulled it to him, breathing deeply of the familiar scent still lingering on the garment. Closing his eyes, he imagined Amanda lying beside him, safe in his arms. He convinced himself for a brief instant that she was really there before loneliness engulfed him as his hand felt the empty spot where Amanda should have been. He turned over, facing away from her side of the bed and the reminder of her absence. Lee hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep until the shrill ring of the telephone by his bed woke him. Bolting upright, he snatched it up. "Yeah?" he rasped into the receiver.
"Lee? It's Dotty."
The catch in his mother-in-law's voice alarmed him. "What is it? What's happened?"
Dotty hesitated momentarily. "Lee, I think you'd better get back down here."
"I'm on my way." He slammed the phone down and dashed from the house.
When he arrived at the hospital, Dotty blocked his way. He tried to get past her to go to Amanda's side.
"Lee, don't. We can't go in right now, the doctors are there."
"What happened? What's going on?" he demanded anxiously. "She was stable when I left."
Seeing that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge, she chose her words carefully. "Her blood pressure started to drop. The doctors are with her now."
Lee tried to get past her once again, but she managed to block the door.
"We can't do anything for her right now. Let the doctors do their job."
Sensing Lee was ready to rush in anyway, she grabbed his arm and gently pulled him over to some chairs. "Come on, let's sit here and wait." For a moment the muscles beneath her hand tensed in resistance, but finally he nodded mutely and sat down next to her.
When the doctor finally emerged, Lee and Dotty stood anxiously, waiting to hear what he had to say.
"We've managed to stabilize her, but her blood pressure is still dangerously low. It's going to be touch and go for the next few hours." His gaze moved between both of them. "We're still going to do everything we can. But, you need to prepare yourselves... she may continue to decline."
A muscle worked spasmodically in Lee's throat. With a look of wordless, impotent rage directed at the innocent physician, he stormed into Amanda's room. He stopped at the foot of her bed and brought his hands to rest lightly, deceivingly so, on the metal footboard. His eyes swept from the blipping EKG machinery to his wife and back again. Somehow he knew tonight would decide her fate. He became hypnotized as the line rose up and descended, rose up, descended, and then hesitated before making the brief but infinitely difficult swing upward again, like a runner too winded from a long race to quite manage the next climb. His jaw tightened in denial. Straightening, he moved to sit beside her. After gently enfolding her hand in his, he began to speak.
"Amanda, I'm here. I'm right here with you. I know I went home a few hours ago and I'm sorry. I never should have left you. But I'm here now and I'm not leaving until you open your beautiful eyes and I know that you're going to be okay." He brushed the hair back from her face and allowed his fingers to stroke down her cheek. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I need you, Amanda. I need you more than I ever thought I could need anyone. When I was home just now, I realized how much a part of my life you've become. You're everything to me. Everything. You're my partner... my best friend... my lover... and my wife. When I'm with you, everything is right. Without you..." He swallowed and ran his thumb across the cool smoothness of her palm. "I can't live without you." He shook his head. "I just can't. You need to fight, Amanda. Fight this and come back now."
Lee sat with Amanda throughout the night, talking to her in that same firm voice. Dotty came and went, sitting occasionally by Lee's side, her red-rimmed gaze time and again wandering from her daughter's silent features to her son-in-law's. The stoic mask was still in place, even after a week, but there was a desperately feverish intensity burning behind it now. And she could see, as if one who had a preternatural sense of the future, that to lose one, would mean to lose both.
He talked all night, his voice slowly growing raspy and hoarse. He talked, he cajoled, and eventually even threatened, but there was no change, no sign that his words were sinking in and rippling the dark, still surface of Amanda's consciousness.
As the sky began to lighten and Amanda's condition still hadn't improved, his words stumbled and slowly faltered to a stop. Pressing her hand to his face, he bowed his head as the tears filled his eyes. His broad shoulders racked with sobs.
"Oh, God, Amanda, please wake up!" The mask finally broke. "You can't die! Everyone I ever cared about has died. I can't lose you, too," he begged desperately. "Wake up. Wake up!" Clutching her to him he closed his eyes tightly against the bitter truth that he was losing her.
In anguish, he held her. "Please, Amanda, don't go. Please!" he whispered brokenly over and over.
Suddenly, he felt something. A slight pressure. Sitting up, he starred at their joined hands as if he'd never seen them before. His only thought being that he'd gone mad -- that the pain of losing her had driven him over the edge and into insanity. But there it was again! Frantically he clasped her limp hand and spoke her name.
"Amanda? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand."
He waited, not daring to breathe as eternity slowly dragged by. Desperately, he searched her features for some sort of response. Then, to his amazement, he saw Amanda's hand move and felt the slight pressure of her fingers entwined with his own. His eyes widened, "Amanda! You can hear me. Hold on, I'm going to get the doctor. Just don't go back to sleep!"
Jumping up, he raced to the door and bellowed for the doctor. When the physician arrived moments later, with Dotty hot on his heels, they weren't prepared for Lee's triumphant grin. "She's going to make it!" Seeing their misapprehension, Lee reaffirmed. "She's waking up."
The doctor blinked at Lee uncomprehending for an instant before he remembered himself. He strode to the bed, glancing at the monitors as he went. "Her B.P. is back up," he stated with surprise. Reaching over, he grasped both of her hands. "Amanda, if you can hear me, I want you to squeeze my fingers," he instructed.
Time stood still as they waited for a response. Finally, Amanda managed a weak squeeze. "Good, that's good," the doctor praised happily, turning to Lee and Dotty. "That's a good sign. It means she's starting to come back to us," he explained. "But it could take anywhere from a few hours to a few days to fully wake up. This is just the first step. These things take time."
The words of warning were no competition to the feelings of relief that swept through Dotty, nor the blinding grin shining from Lee's face. Amanda was going to be all right. That's all they could think about. She was going to come back to them.
"Listen," the doctor continued, "I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the room for a little while so I can more fully examine her. Now that's she's awaking up, I want to remove the ventilator. It won't be for long and I'll let you know when she's ready for visitors again."
Dotty nodded silently and began to leave. Lee, however, walked back to the side of the bed. Leaning down, he kissed Amanda on the forehead. "I'll be right outside," he whispered softly. "I love you." Then he turned and followed Dotty out.
When Lee entered Amanda's room, he smiled at the sight of her without the ventilator. Breathing on her own once again, somehow the room appeared less threatening without the steady hiss of the device.
For the next few hours Lee sat by Amanda's side, talking to her with a renewed energy now that he knew she could hear him. As the day wore on, she became more active, moving restlessly in the bed until finally Lee heard her moan softly. He leaned in closer, softly calling her name.
Ever so slowly, her eyes fluttered open. Blinking repeatedly, Amanda took several moments to focus on Lee's face. His fuzzy image finally sharpened. "Lee?" she whispered weakly.
"I'm here. I'm right here," he assured her, beaming.
She licked her dry lips as she gazed into his tender eyes, trying to recall what had happened. It had been raining. She'd been driving down a winding road. Where had she been going? She racked her brain.
Suddenly, she remembered. She and Lee had had a fight. She was headed back to the house to make up. And then? Nothing. She must have been in an accident, she thought dazedly, her eyes slipping past Lee's to the revealing stark hospital walls. She'd never made it home to apologize, and the overwhelming need to do so came back to her, forcing her to fight off the still creeping exhaustion.
"I'm sorry, Lee," she groaned through a surprisingly raw throat. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that."
Lee couldn't believe his ears. After all she'd gone through the past week, her first words to him were an apology? Feeling more like a heel than ever, he gently placed his fingers against her lips to stop her words.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing," he stated firmly. Seeing the protest in Amanda's eyes, Lee quickly interrupted her before she even had a chance to start. "We can talk about this later. For now I'm just glad you're back with me. You gave me quite a scare you know."
Amanda nodded slowly. She tried to talk, but her throat throbbed painfully.
Lee didn't give her much of a chance to say anything anyway as he leaned in and captured her mouth. "I love you, Mrs. Stetson," he proclaimed softly as he lifted his lips from hers.
Amanda smiled in reply and reached up to kiss him once again.
Sitting on the edge of Amanda's bed a few days later, Lee finally broached the subject of the fight. He'd wanted to ignore it, to shove it aside and wait until she was feeling stronger. But, now that she was awake and out of danger, he felt compelled to bring it up before anything else could happen to snatch the chance away.
Despite this decision, he found himself struggling to begin. He flipped blindly through a hospital magazine, trying to find the right words. "Amanda, there's something I've been wanting to tell you since the night all of this started."
Amanda pressed the mute button on the television remote and looked up at him curiously. "What is it, Lee?"
"About our fight. I... Amanda..." Taking a deep breath, Lee plunged ahead in a voice roughened by self accusation. "I was so horrible to you that night and it was my fault you ended up here. I just want you to know how sorry I am."
Amanda tried to interrupt, but Lee wouldn't let her.
"I should have listened to you. But I was so worried... I messed everything up. Can you ever forgive me?"
Amanda smiled tenderly. "Of course I forgive you, Lee, if you can forgive me. But, only for the fight. I dashed out the door. You didn't force me to leave. And this accident was just that -- an accident. It's nobody's fault. Please don't blame yourself." She reached out to touch him.
"But, Amanda..."
"No 'buts,' Lee. Trust me on this one. No one is to blame for this, especially not you."
Lee gazed deeply into her eyes, seeing that she meant every word she was saying. Feeling a little better, he nodded once. "Okay." He paused for a moment. "But what do you say that we both promise never to leave the house in the middle of a fight again?"
Amanda smiled gamely. "You've got a deal. Though, I think the best solution is just not to fight at all. What do you think?"
Lee nodded in agreement. "That's a good plan. But," he added with a sly grin, "If we never fight that means we never get to make up." He leaned in conspiratorially. "And making up is half the fun," he finished with a light kiss on her nose.
Amanda giggled at his playfulness. "I can't argue with that!" She smiled teasingly at him. "Speaking of making up... I'd say we still have some unfinished business in that department, wouldn't you?"
Lee caught the mischievous twinkle in her eye and matched it with one of his own. "I'd say that we do," he replied, even as his mouth descended upon hers in a fervent kiss. And as their lips met, the fears he had been living with for the past several days slowly faded away. All was right with his world once again.