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*Stardates are no longer used in journal entries due to the fact that Babylon 5 is a much better show than "Deep Space Nine."
CAPTAIN'S LOG:
We have just survived our latest mission: observe and protect the Michaels' Family Reunion. This year's Reunion was almost uneventful. There were only 1365 marriages, 984 births, 412 deaths (by natural causes), 262 robberies, 159 kidnappings, 75 incidents of galactic security, 27 fires, 16 flash floods, 4 earthquakes, 2 divorces and 1 volcanic eruption. We are currently headed to Babylon 5, where my crew can enjoy a well deserved vacation. I was always under the impression that Babylon 5 was a worthless bucket of space debris. That is, until our newest crew members, Ensigns Lussier and Heard, arrived. After hearing their animated stories about the space station, many of my crew, including myself, have become obsessed.
Another favorite obsession of the crew is the new Archive Viewing Station. The AVS enables someone to retrieve and display any visual/audio programs transmitted in the last 300 years. Since the installation of the AVS, crew morale has increased threefold and productivity has been cut in half. A three to two performance ratio far exceeds any expectations I may have had… or so my crew tells me. The station encompasses the middle of the bridge where the Captain's chair used to be. My crew tells me that since they had me buy it with my personal funds I should have the honor of keeping it in my area.
Has a Captain ever had a more thoughtful crew? I think not.
"Hey! Go back! Magnify! Enhance!"
Peering over Counselor Gustainis' shoulder, Chief Engineer Wagner points to the screen of the Archive Viewing Station.
"Great! That's it! Send a copy to my station!" commands Wagner as she rushes to her work area, oblivious to the rest of the world.
"What was all that about?" inquires Captain Abdul.
Still staring at the AVS monitor, Gustainis waits for what was historically identified as a "commercial" before answering. "If you must know, I was watching an episode of Lois & Clark. It's the one where H.G. Wells uses his gold powered time machine to help Superman capture the villain from the future who kidnapped Lois. When the scene showed the plans for the time machine, she went nuts."
"Who? Lois?"
"No, Captain. Wagner." Gustainis regards Abdul with pity in her eyes. "And if I know her, she's going to try to build one."
"One what?" the Captain asks in his perpetually perplexed way.
"A Time Machine!" shouts Chief Engineer Wagner, "and I just did it!" As the excited scientist touches a panel, an odd looking device begins to materialize on the bridge.
"So how does this thing work?" asks Captain Abdul, as he sits in the time machine.
Proud of her work, Chief Engineer Wagner explains, "It's really quite simple. According to the original plans, you need to convert the temporal sensitive alloy through a hyperactive positronic conduit by adjusting its molecular polarity to symmetrical granularity with optimal phase variance. But at the time this was created, warp theory had not yet been discovered, and as such, it could not possibly work in its originally designed state. Therefore, when I introduced an ionized tachion pulse to the positronic conduit I was able to achieve a consistent conversion flow, thus allowing controllable temporal alteration."
Abdul stares at her with a totally vacant expression on his face.
"You put gold in there, then flip that switch," simplifies Wagner.
"Ohhhh!" exclaims the Captain, now sporting an expression of complete understanding. "So all you do is put gold in here." He removes his communicator badge and drops it into the compartment the Chief Engineer had pointed to. "Then flip this switch." Before anybody can stop him, Abdul flips the switch.
After some really cool special effects the time machine and its passenger disappear. (Author's note: If this story had a bigger budget I would have described the effects in greater detail.)
Just as the last signs of the Captain fade, First Officer Kelly enters the bridge and glances around. "Where's the Captain!"
"Well… sir…" Wagner begins in a guilty tone. "I sort of built a time machine and he used it."
"I leave the bridge for five minutes and you lose the Captain!"
"Sir! There's a shuttle approaching!" reports Communications Officer Martin.
The entire crew turns toward the main view screen and watches in awe as the small spacecraft approaches. Concern for Captain Abdul is washed away as Counselor Gustainis verbalizes what is on everybody's mind.
"That must be the pizza we ordered."
With a cheerful smile, Lieutenant Everett enters the room. "Hi, everybody! Is the pizza here yet?"
"Another ship has just appeared!" states Lieutenant Wagner. (Not the Wagner who built the time machine, but the one who drives the ship.)
The small Dominoes delivery spaceship is now dwarfed by a large, black, quivering, ugly-looking, spider-like ship thingy. (Author's note: These were the best adjectives I could get with the limited budget.)
"Pearce. Open Fire," commands the First Officer. "Nobody messes with our pizza!"
Beams of light begin to emerge from the Starship Harem striking the shadow-like ships with no apparent effect.
"Weapons are at full power and they don't seem to be having any effect," says a frustrated Pearce, "Can you get us more power?"
"I'll try." The hands of the Chief Engineer begin to dance across the console. The fluid motion mesmerizes anybody who watches, distracting them long enough so that they do not notice the hidden compartment with the switch marked More Than Full Power. "Okay. Try it now!"
With the extra power, Pearce is able to easily slice the enemy ship into little chicklet-size pieces.
"Beam the pilot directly to the bridge," orders Kelly.
Materializing on the bridge is a short, furry man with bad teeth.
"Hey! Who are you?" asks Lieutenant Wagner, "and where's our pizza!"
"I am Zathras," states the furry man in a gravely voice. "Zathras is looking for The One."
In unison, Wagner, Lussier and Heard gaze at Zathras then at each other. They huddle closer and begin to have a mini-conference amongst themselves. After a moment they go silent and turn toward the furry man.
"You're looking for The One?" asks Ensign Lussier.
"That's what Zathras say. So it must be true. Otherwise, Zathras would not say."
"Are you looking for The One That Was?"
Zathras shakes his head. "No. Not that one."
The trio began another conference. This time, after a flurry of whispers and giggles, Ensign Heard becomes the spokesman.
"Are you looking for The One That Is?"
"No. Not that one either."
When the group huddles for a third time, it is difficult for them to contain themselves as their excitement at approaching the truth reaches a climax.
"You must be looking for The One That Will Be!" states Wagner in a domineering voice.
"If you say Zathras must, then Zathras must," the man with bad teeth continues to shake his head in the negative. "But Zathras does not think so."
"Then who are you looking for?"
"The One Who Really Screwed Things Up."
The whole crew turns toward the section of the bridge where once stood the newly created time machine.
"You just missed him."
"Not good. Very Bad," proclaims an obviously nervous Zathras.
"What did he do that was so bad?" asks Kelly.
"Very bad. Very bad," begins Zathras. "It is the end of all." The alien made a strange clicking noise. "Michaels gone. All gone."
"That's not possible. No one person could cause that much damage." The veterans of the Harem chuckle lightly at the naive statement of Ensign Lussier.
"Cloward. Check the archives," Gustainis tells the historian.
"It's true sir," responds Cloward. "The older records are being altered as if history is rewriting itself. I estimate that the archive information will be inaccessible in approximately one minute."
"Zathras not understand! Should not be so quick!"
"Oh, the time change isn't moving that fast." Cloward glances at her watch. "It's just that my shift is over and I don't work overtime." She picks up a few things from her desk and leaves the bridge.
"No need her. Zathras do. Zathras fix." The furry man holds up a dust ridden stack of papers. Lieutenant Wagner winces as Zathras blows away the dust to reveal the title. "Relativity 2! It is an ancient chronicle of the Michaels family. It tells all of what was. What should be was. But not what was as it is now."
The crew pauses with puzzled expressions on their faces. Not because they are confused at what was said, but, because they can't believe that there is somebody in the universe who can actually say something so bizarre that it makes their Captain look good.
"So Zathras... Can I call you Zathras?" begins Lussier, "So are you saying that that book contains knowledge of what has happened to the Michael's family? Or what should have happened before the Captain messed things up? Or does it contain the altered history? Is Sheridan really as tall as he looks on the newscasts? How come he didn't go to the last Family reunion?"
"Please, no ask Zathras questions." The furry man presses his palms to his temples. "Zathras confused. Zathras thought knew, but now, Zathras not so sure."
First Officer Kelly picks up the cleaned copy of Relativity 2. (Author's note: Observant readers will notice the once dust ridden artifact is now squeaky clean. When the director's cut of this story is released, there will be an additional, never before seen, paragraph that explains how Lieutenant Wagner was able to clean the zine without anyone noticing. For those readers who aren't observant... well... that's what Author's notes are for.)
"Chief Wagner, can you build us another time machine?" asks Kelly as she glances through the Michael's manual.
"It might be a little difficult." The Engineer pushes a button. "But I think I can do it sir," she says as another time machine appears on the bridge.
"Can you modify it to work on the whole ship?"
"I'll try." Wagner disappears behind her creation and begins to make alterations. The lights on the bridge go out. "Oops! Sorry, wrong cable." The lights go back on.
"Okay, it's done. Now all we need is a lot of gold."
Everybody looks at the other Wagner. "Oh no! Don't look at me. It took me a long time to get that much gold," protests the ship's pilot and resident gold miner.
"Before we continue," Ensign Heard interrupts, "I'd like to say a few words. As we begin our quest to save the Michaels Family," she tilts her head back and presses the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically, "remember this. We are not only saving a single family, albeit a large family that boffs like bunnies, but the universe as well. But more importantly, we are saving our jobs. For without the Michaels clan, we would be out of work."
With the seriousness of the situation weighing heavily on their shoulders, the crew bows their heads in a moment of silence.
"Sir, our Captain has just destroyed the past," states Counselor Gustainis. "What are we going to do now?"
First Officer Kelly holds open a story titled Reunion III, "We're going to Disneyland!"
Anaheim, Fall 1986
Author's note: In an attempt to cut costs, the next scene is a partial reuse of previously written footage.
The banquet room at the Disneyland Hotel was filled. Several long tables ran the length of the room and nearly every place was taken. Walking in with Remington and Cait, Laura paused at the door and searched the sea of faces. A pleasant looking man came up to greet them, a huge grin spread across his face.
"You must be Murph's friends," he stated and handed each a tee shirt. "You gotta wear these at least once during the weekend." His smile grew larger, if that was possible. "Reunion rules." He then raced off across the room.
"I never knew Murphy's family was so large," Steele commented as he unfolded the shirt and held it out. Mickey Mouse marched across the front banging a huge drum. Steele regarded it with bemusement.
"His own immediate one isn't," Laura told him. "He only has one brother. The rest are aunts, uncles, cousins..."
Laura is cut off mid-sentence as a man wearing Mickey Mouse ears absent-mindedly backs into her. Spinning around to see what he bumped into, Captain Abdul spills his soda all over Cait's blouse.
"I'm sorry. Would you like a sour ball?" Captain Abdul holds out a half empty bag of assorted colored candies that he obtained from a little candy cart, just outside of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
"No, thank you," said Cait, as she gave him a 'Get-Out-Of-My-Face' look.
To Remington and Laura, "I need to go change. I'll meet you down here later." Cait hurries off towards the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.
"Did I do something wrong?" Abdul asks innocently.
10 Minutes Earlier
With low-budget special effects, the Starship Harem finishes it's temporal journey. (Author's note: Doctor Hargan will not be involved in this mission because she refuses to take part in anything that involves time travel. She says that time changes make her sick.)
"Status report," requests First Officer Kelly.
"We have a problem," reports Chief Engineer Wagner. "The journey expended our gold supply. We do not have a sufficient quantity to return to our own time period."
"What!" shouted Lieutenant Wagner. "You used up all my gold. It took me years to get that much. I'm going to smack the Captain when we find him."
"Get in line!" the entire crew says in unison.
"Do we know the nature of the disaster brought on by our brilliant leader?" Kelly holds her head low, disgusted with the whole situation.
"According to the altered records, the Captain will prevent the meeting of Caitlin O'Conner and Andy Travis in approximately ten minutes," reports Gustainis. "Because of this, no further family reunions will be held, and the family will slowly drift apart."
"I've located him!" exclaims Martin. "He's in the lobby of the Disneyland Hotel!"
"Quick! Beam him up! Now!" orders Kelly.
In a shimmering cascade of light, Captain Abdul appears on the bridge, complete with Mouse ears and a mouth full of sour balls. "Hai eveweewun." Abdul swallows and holds up the bag. "Sour ball anyone?"
The bridge crew gape at each other then back at the Captain. They all slowly converge on their confused leader. Abdul's eyes grow wide as the crew begins to...
(Author's Note: The gratuitous violence of the beating scene had to be cut in order to avoid an R rating. Instead I inserted previously written footage already in progress...)
Murphy didn't know how his cousins had managed to be included in the rescue effort but he was glad. It had been reassuring to see a familiar face appear out of the blackness.
He also noticed Andy was in the throng. He was seated beside Caitlin on a nearby couch. Cait was holding a cup of coffee which Murphy assumed Andy had gotten her. He had to smile. Leave it to Andy to manage to meet a girl during all this.
"Commander!"
"What is it counselor?" asks Kelly as she wipes the blood from her hands.
"The records are beginning to revert back to normal," sighs Gustainis in relief. "I think we've done it. Except for the fact that were stuck back in time."
"Don't worry." Abdul picks himself off the floor. "I'll handle things from here."
One by one Abdul's faithful crew begin to double over with laughter.
"Zathras, my furry little friend." The Captain stands a little straighter than usual. "Is everything ready?"
"Ask Zathras to do you did," the little man scurries over to Abdul's side. "Zathras do as asked. So it is done."
The laughter begins to fade, replaced by wonder.
"Good. Computer, activate program Whiskey Hotel Oscar."
"Program activated," says a female voice that sounds nothing like Majel Barrett.
"What's going on? Our computers don't talk?"
"They do now." Abdul smiles, as the ship is engulfed in the cheap effects associated with the familiar time warp.
The Starship Harem returned to when/where it left. The bridge is eerily silent as the only occupants are Captain Abdul and Zathras. "Zathras, what is the current status of the crew?"
The hairy little man sits down at a computer console. "Records say Captain Kelly is lost. Gone on maiden voyage of new command, ship called Voyager. Zathras think very tragic. Yes, yes, very sad."
"No... not really." Abdul gives Zathras a knowing glance. "She'll be fine. What about the rest of the crew?"
"Stationed on Babylon 5, they are. Is now permanent site for Michaels Family Reunion. Organized by Doctor Hargan. Counselor Gustainis." Zathras does a double take and rereads the report, "No, no. Is Doctor Travis and Counselor Kent." (Author's note: It never hurts to suck up to the editors.)
"Are you sure everybody is stationed on B5?" Abdul asks in disbelief.
"Is right you are... like always," Zathras says in admiration. "Pearce left station after only one week. Is now working as Galactic Investigator with man of steel."
Abdul looks over Zathras' shoulder at the console containing the picture and bio for Mr. Steele. "He kind of resembles that guy from that ancient television show about that nasally nanny."
"Zathras is done, sir." Zathras stands. "All are accounted for."
Abdul slowly gazes over the empty bridge. "Well, it seems like everything is finally back to normal. Our work here is done." He begins to lead the little man off the bridge.
The blue door to the booth marked "Police Call Box" opens and out walks Abdul and Zathras. As the slow moving fog creeps over their feet, the pair gaze around and breathe in the fresh air of modern day London. Abdul puts a hand on his companions shoulder, "Let's go get something to eat, my furry little friend."