THE FIRST TIME
BY
MAURA I. KELLY
(GLORIETA, JULY 1985)

Nick Michaels found himself crying. He hadn't expected that. Standing here for the first time at his father's gravesite, he was overcome with sudden emotion. He'd never known his father. He'd been killed months before Nick was born. Although he and his mother had always remembered his father, this was the first time Nick had ever been allowed to stand at the actual grave.

He looked down again, noting the inscription that had blurred for a moment.

JACOB MICHAELS, JR.
1941-1965
Devoted Son

No mention that his father had ever been married or had a son of his own.

As a child, he'd always been troubled that his Grandfather Jake had sought to ostracize his grandson and daughter-in-law from anything relating to his father's life, but he'd never held any love or hate for his father's father -- only pity that he had so much enmity and bigotry in his heart that he would exclude his own flesh and blood. But to omit any mention of him and his mother even on a simple gravestone, that was unthinkable. There seemed so little as it was that tied him to his father. It was as if his grandfather purposefully sought to deny to Nick even the smallest part.

He felt, rather than saw, his mother come up behind him. He turned to look at her and saw the tears evident in her eyes. As he quickly pulled his mother into a hug, it occurred to him that this was the first time she'd been allowed to visit her husband since she'd buried him over twenty years ago.

Nick wanted to scream out at the injustice of it all. He realized his sorrow had suddenly turned to anger -- anger at his father for having left him -- and now an even greater anger at his grandfather. He felt his mother's hand on his cheek.

"Why?" was all he said.

But instead of an answer from his mother, he heard a male voice quietly behind him "Because your grandfather is a bitter man."

Nick turned to see his Uncle Robert McCall, along with his cousin Scott, standing a little behind them.

"But I'm his grandson." Nick's voice carried his plea for an understanding of why he had been disowned.

Scott came up behind his cousin and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Scott didn't even understand himself why his grandfather had been so uncaring of Nick all these years. He remembered once, when he was a little boy not much older than ten, he'd asked their grandfather why he hated Nicky. Before then, Scott hadn't ever thought about why his cousin never came to the ranch like everyone else, but he'd spent time with Nicky earlier in the spring. So he'd asked his grandfather, why? Scott remembered the look he'd gotten and was told abruptly it was none of his business. He'd never voiced that question again because it had been the first time Scott had ever been afraid of Grandpa Jake.

"Sweetheart, we don't know why your grandfather is the way he is, and we may never know, but we just have to be glad we're here now."

They all stood in silence for a few minutes, remembering the man who had died so long ago. Robert finally asked a question that had plagued him for years.

"Tell me, Rose. Why did you allow Jake to bury J.J. here? Your father and I both thought Jake was running roughshod over you."

Rose laughed a little self-consciously. "I didn't want to, Robert... not really, but Jake was so insistent." Rose turned and looked at her son, trying to make him understand her reasoning of so long ago. "And I thought of your grandmother... not to have her son near her would be cruel. She wasn't to blame for Jake."

"Hey, it's okay, Mom. You don't have to explain."

"Yes, I do, Nicky. I underestimated Jake. I never thought he would deny you the chance to visit your own father's grave."

"I think your father suspected that, Rose."

"I know he did, Robert. He told me some years later... when we dedicated that memorial to Jake. I think Dad blamed himself." Rose turned to look at her son again as he stood there with his arms around her. "Nicky... your father loved his home and I felt he belonged here."

"Well, we're all here now." Robert put an arm around his son's shoulder and held Rose's hand with the other.

"Yes, we are, aren't we?" Rose smiled at him.

"So let's keep it that way," Nicky suggested. "We need to be sure we all come back as often as we can... no matter what Grandpa Jake says."

"I think that's a great idea," Scott chimed in, looking at each in turn. "A pact?"

"A pact," they all agreed.