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Amanda Stetson smiled and shook her head as she gazed at the paraphernalia on her bathroom counter. She wasn't sure she hoped for a positive result more because she wanted a baby right now, or because it would put an end to Lee's hawk-like scrutiny for any sign of pregnancy.
She sighed softly to herself and reached toward the first of three home pregnancy test kits. Her mind wandered back over the previous months since she and Lee had finally decided to try for a child of their own. The decision wasn't easy. The past year already overflowed with family adjustments. Dotty had married Captain Curt and moved out. She and Lee had at last revealed their personal relationship to the world and since then had been working through the new family dynamics with the boys.
Having a baby hadn't even been a topic of serious conversation until last May. They'd combined a business trip and a weekend visit with Andy and Cait. The Travis' excitement about their first pregnancy had an unexpectedly positive influence on Lee. Amanda had gone looking for him to tell him lunch was ready. She found him in the nursery Andy had showed off so proudly, running his hands over the crib rail. As she watched in silent fascination, he reached out and gently twirled the delicate mobile hanging over the crib, then inspected the stack of tiny clothes Cait had laid out for them to see. Amanda had slipped back out unnoticed, not wanting to embarrass him.
On the way home, Lee had nonchalantly brought up the subject of the pros and cons of having a baby and how funny Andy was about the whole thing. As she watched his facial features change from laughing at first to a quiet thoughtfulness, she felt a small spark of desire to give Lee his own child. It was something she'd thought of before, but never seriously considered, at least not at present. There were too many immediate concerns to think that far ahead.
Not much more was said until several days later when the boys had returned from a long weekend with their dad.
"Does Cait look big yet, Mom?" 13-year-old Jamie piped up while gulping down his milk.
Amanda suppressed a smile. "No, not really. It's only been five months."
"Oh," he responded with a thoughtful look. "Isn't this awful fast to have a baby? I mean, she and Andy just got married at New Years. Don't people usually wait a while?"
Before his mother could reply, Phillip rolled his eyes and spoke up. "People can have babies anytime they want, Doofus!"
"Don't call your brother, Doofus," Lee admonished. "That's not a dumb question." He turned to his younger stepson. "People usually wait a little while before having a baby so they get to know each other better and get settled in a job with some money tucked away. Andy and Cait aren't still in school or newly graduated. They want a large family so they decided to start as soon as possible."
He glanced at Amanda across the table and smiled. "I'm glad we had that picture of them on the porch enlarged and sent to them. That goofy smile on Andy's face while he's standing there with his hand on Cait's stomach was too good to pass up. It'll be a classic."
Amanda laughed with him, remembering how happy the couple had been.
Jamie's eyes darted between his mom and stepfather. Finally he asked what was on his mind. "What about you guys?" he asked hesitantly.
Lee looked quizzically at him. "What about us?"
Jamie repeated himself a little louder. "What about you guys? Are you gonna have baby, Mom?"
Silence swept the dinner table, as Phillip gave the adults a stunned look. Lee almost choked on a mouthful of chicken.
"Ahh, we haven't really talked about it," Amanda tried to explain. "Not much, that is. I mean, we have in general terms, but up 'til now we've had all we can handle getting us settled as a family. We... I... haven't even thought about it?" She trailed off, giving Lee a look that was a definite plea for some help.
The boys noticed their mother's rather obvious eye contact with Lee. Much to his discomfort, they turned their attention on him and awaited his response. On Jamie's face Lee saw only open questioning, but Phillip's eyes seemed to hold a shadowed defiance.
Lee pulled himself up and moved slightly back from the table. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and set it on the table. Thinking for just a second, he looked directly at both boys.
"What your mom said is true. Remember guys, I'm still new at this family thing. This past year I've worked on being the best dad and husband I know how to be. I wanted the two of you feel like my own sons." He paused for emphasis, then smiled. "That's enough for anybody, much less a former confirmed bachelor."
The boys acknowledged his statements by slowly nodding their heads. Lee folded his arms on the table and leaned forward intently. "One thing I want to make clear... if your mom and I do have a baby someday, it won't replace the two of you."
Lee stopped for a moment. He wasn't usually comfortable openly discussing his thoughts and feelings, but he'd noted the glimmer of response in Phillip's eyes and knew he'd hit upon the right area of concern. He swallowed his own discomfort and pressed on, eager to put both the boys at ease.
"When I asked your mom to marry me, I knew the two of you were part of the package. I wasn't only asking her to marry me... I was also asking to become a part of this family." He looked around the table at the three pairs of eyes all riveted on him and grinned self-consciously. "If we do have another child in this family, you'll have a sister or brother who shares your relationship to your mom." He laughed a little. "He'll also have some of me in him... or her."
Lee looked up and saw Amanda give him a supportive nod and loving smile.
The boys were quiet for a moment. Phillip spoke up tentatively. "If you do have a kid, does that mean Jamie and I have to share a room again? I mean it's been great since Grandma moved out, not having his clothes thrown on my bed."
"Hey, you were the one that threw your clothes on my bed," Jamie protested loudly.
"Did not," Phillip loudly denied.
"Boys, don't shout at the table," Amanda admonished firmly, but was secretly relieved the subject had changed.
Once again Lee took charge of the conversation. "Look, you guys know we've discussed finding a new house. If we added a new member of the family, that would just give us more incentive to try and find one quicker."
"Would we have to change schools?" Phillip complained. "There's a chance I could make the baseball team this spring. The coach said he liked my pitching."
Lee groaned inwardly. Was there no end to the various situations needing consideration? "I don't know. I've always wanted a place in the country. Maybe a few acres where we could have some horses."
"Lee..." Amanda cautioned.
"I know, I know," he conceded. "We haven't talked much about that either, and there's a lot to consider. But if we could afford it," he emphasized, looking directly at his wife, "what would you guys think. Does it sound like a good trade off?"
"Could we have our old friends over to hang out?" Phillip quizzed.
"Sure," Lee agreed. "It couldn't be too far away because your mom and I would still have to drive to work."
"Sounds okay to me then," the older boy proclaimed.
Convinced that at least one of the boys was temporarily satisfied, Lee turned to Jamie. He was aware of Amanda's cautioning expression.
Jamie gave his mom and stepdad a thoughtful look. "If Phillip gets a horse and you and Mom get a baby... can I have a dog?"
Despite her concern about the conversation's direction, Amanda laughed out loud. "I don't know if one is exactly dependent on the other, Sweetheart."
"You'd rather have a dog than a horse?" Phillip exclaimed in disbelief.
"Yeah, I'd like a horse, but I've always wanted a dog. A horse can't sleep on your bed," Jamie argued. "What about it, Mom? If you have a baby, can I have a puppy?" he pleaded. "We could raise them together," he added with adolescent logic.
"If Mom has a baby, you're going to be too busy being an older brother to raise a puppy. I had to look out for you. Now you're gonna have to look out for it," Phillip announced triumphantly.
Jamie looked quickly at his mom.
"That's not true, Jamie." Amanda frowned at her older son. "I'll need some help, but you'd still have plenty of time for a puppy."
Lee could see that his wife had dealt with about as much of this topic as she cared to for the moment. "I think that's enough of this matter for now," he pronounced. "Phillip, isn't it your turn to do the dishes?"
"And both of you still have homework," Amanda reminded.
Phillip grumbled his agreement and took his dishes to the kitchen. Jamie stood up. "You know, I think I'd make a great older brother." Turning to leave, he added, "I wouldn't call him or her Doofus."
Now, holding the first pregnancy test cup and looking at the other two, Amanda sighed. That evening's conversation had been followed by many more. The topics had ranged from giving up their freedom, to raising an infant when the boys were almost old enough to start taking care of themselves; Amanda's age and health, job situations and a myriad of related questions.
They'd finally came to a firm decision during the summer reunion. At the ranch, surrounded by Lee's family, their minds were made up. Once the decision to try for a baby had been made though, all past hesitancy disappeared. Lee's excitement built with each passing day. The doctor had pronounced Amanda in good health, but warned them not to be surprised if it took a woman of her age more than a few months to conceive.
When the August test was negative, Lee decided more attention should be given to the matter and proceeded to pursue it like a top priority assignment. This month he insisted she purchase not one, but three, home pregnancy tests, just to insure against a margin of error.
He consulted a number of books. Based on Amanda's cycle, he deduced when was the most opportune time for her to get pregnant. With this knowledge, he rented an expensive, romantic cabin nestled in the Pocanos, meaning to give her all his attention. The fact that the timing fell in the middle of the week, requiring them to put in for vacation time, wasn't a deterrent. His rationale was "if we're going to do this, we're going to do it right." In fact, in an uncharacteristic move, he even attempted the paperwork, relenting only when Amanda commandeered it from him. She been a bit concerned over what he'd volunteer as a reason for their absence.
As wonderful as the time at the cabin had been, Lee's constant vigil for any sign of success began to make Amanda sympathetic towards lab rats. She recalled fondly the times she couldn't imagine getting too much of Lee Stetson's attention. Now, as she looked at the three vials in front of her, she didn't know whether or not to be glad. She'd shown no signs of morning sickness yet, but she was the appropriate number of days late.
A noise at the bathroom door caused her to look up into the mirror and into the eyes of her husband. "Well, this is the day isn't it?" he asked. Off her nod, Lee walked up to her, almost apologetically. "I was awake most of the night thinking about it."
"I know," Amanda told him, still holding the cup. "I didn't think you'd ever settle down."
Lee took the cup out of her hand and set it down on the counter. He took her hands in his. "I did a lot of thinking." He smiled ruefully. "I wasn't sure whether I want it to be positive because you'd be pregnant now or... or whether I just wanted my impatience satisfied." Noting the amused expression on his wife's face, he continued. "I figured if I'd driven myself this nuts, it must've even been worse on you. I never meant to suffocate you like I have."
Amanda laughed out loud at his contrite look and felt the earlier tension dissipate. Lee chuckled along with her as he gestured to the three test kits. "I guess three tests were a little much."
Laying her hand on his cheek, Amanda turned his face toward her. She smiled up at him. "Not if you're Lee Stetson, it isn't. At first it seemed a little overboard, but I'd rather you be overexcited than uninterested or hostile towards the idea."
Lee leaned up against the counter and took her into his arms. He kissed her gently. "I hope you were planning to come and get me before you ran the tests?"
Amanda looked at him in surprise and quickly nodded.
"Then why have you been in here by yourself for the last thirty minutes," he gently probed. "Having second thoughts?"
"Not really," she replied, hedging slightly. "I remember feeling this way last month. Even years ago when I had to wait for the labs to call and tell me about Phillip and Jamie. I guess it's just the fear of the unknown."
"Amanda, we've discussed everything," Lee softly admonished.
"I know, but..."
Lee took her chin and lifted it so that he was staring directly into her eyes. "But what?"
"I'm still scared of history repeating itself. What brought us together was our work and that's what's kept us together... the partnership we forged." She paused and looked away, her eyes growing distant. "I thought Joe and I had that too."
"I'm not Joe," Lee vowed passionately.
Amanda smiled lovingly. "I know you're not. But as the years went by and I stayed home with the boys, Joe's work required more and more of his attention. We grew apart." She shrugged her shoulders. "Finally we didn't even know each other anymore. We lived in two separate worlds." Her eyes met Lee's once more. "You and I both know how demanding our job is... how it lends itself to erratic hours and secrecy. You could be on one classified job right after another. I'd be completely shut out. Besides that," she added ruefully, "I don't want you out in the field with another partner. I'm not willing for you to share that intimacy with anyone else, and I'd go crazy staying here at home worrying about you. Also," she continued, "I'm not the person I was when I had Phillip and Jamie. I'm not so sure I want to be."
Knowing her concern was valid, Lee pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. He tried to find the right words to reassure her. "Amanda, I'm going to pursue that job at the State Department. That, or something similar. I don't particularly want someone other than you watching my backside, and I understand about the irregular hours and secrecy. The nature of any job in this area has its confidences, but the Agency is a lot more stringent than most."
"Lee," Amanda protested. "I didn't mean you had to give up..."
He silenced her objections with a gentle finger on her lips. "I'll be expanding my horizons. I'm sorry though. I hadn't realized how big a sacrifice giving up our working partnership will be for you."
"Amanda, I lost my parents at an early age. I don't want that to happen to either of the boys or any child. I don't want to have a child of my own, only to have someone else raise it." He tried to be helpful. "For the present, we could both take agency desk duty while I look for another position. After the baby's born, there are always new unclassified documents to log and annotate before they're filed. Some of that you could do at home. We could set you up with a computer. That would keep you from totally dropping out of the picture."
Seeing she wasn't convinced, he relented slightly. "Look. I'm not saying the new jobs will work out perfectly. I'm just saying that's the direction I think we should go at first. Just give it a try."
"But you already know you hate desk work!" Amanda pointed out. "I don't want you to start getting restless and wishing you were back out in the field. That can lead to resenting me and the kids. Joe was chomping at the bit to get to Africa. Sometimes it was all I could do to get his attention. I don't think he even realized when his loyalty had shifted. He was too excited about the challenge of travelling and the unknown."
Lee dropped his hands from her arms to her hands and squeezed them for emphasis. "Amanda, I've been to Africa, China, South America, Sri Lanka. Hell, I've spent almost my entire life wandering this globe. I know what's out there... sometimes in triplicate." He placed her hands on his chest, covering them with his own. "In all that time, I envied the people who had families to travel with or go home to. Sure, I denied it pretty loudly, but it was always there. Amanda, lots of men are deeply involved with their work, but they don't let it interfere with their family life. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive. It probably won't be easy." He squeezed her hands and grinned slightly. "But then, when have we ever had it easy?"
She smiled back. "Never, but we've always been a team. We've always faced things together, not you doing one thing and me doing something else."
"I know," Lee agreed. "Last night it finally occurred to me how much time a baby will cut out of our private time. I know it's dumb to be admitting it now, when it might be too late, but that's what had me tossing and turning all night. We've had so little time together. I don't want to start resenting our child."
Amanda stared at him for a moment, then wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Why are we even trying for a baby when we have all these doubts?"
After a short time of simply holding her, he whispered in her ear. "Because, with all the doubts, there's something else about our baby that I want more than anything else."
"What's that?" was her muffled reply.
"I want a part of you that no one can ever take away from me."
Drawing back, Amanda stared at him in confusion.
"Amanda, I would adopt the boys tomorrow if Joe would allow it. But it doesn't make much difference now. They're nearly adults themselves. But our child... a child who's life I can be a part of from the very beginning... you and me together. I want that more than anything." He stopped and looked deeply into her eyes. "If this test is negative and you want to back off and give it more consideration, we will. But I want you to know how I feel."
Amanda's eyes were moist. She looked over at the test kits. "I remember the doubts before I knew I was carrying Phillip and Jamie. I also remember the joy when I found out for sure. Then the first time I held them in my arms... there were no more doubts.." She picked up the three wands. "I want them to turn blue," she confessed.
She handed them to Lee. "Why don't you do the honors this time." Smiling slyly she added, "Put those magic fingers of yours to work."
Remembering past conversations, Lee gave a low chuckle. He took a deep breath and dropped one stick after another into the three vials. Both of their intent looks changed slowly into the same silly Andy and Cait smiles as one after another the wands turned a soft baby blue.
The momentary hush was broken by Lee, as he beamed down at Amanda and lifted her off the floor in a bear hug. "It worked!" he whooped. Setting her back down he grinned. "See, all we needed was a little more time and the right amount of TLC."
Smiling up at him, Amanda replied, "Glad to know it, Daddy. 'Cause you're going to have a lot of opportunity to apply that formula when we start doing early morning feedings, diapers, and teething."
For a moment Lee sagged against the wall. "More things to think about. What's next?"
"I don't know," Amanda laughed, "but right now we need to start house hunting again and tell Jamie that he's going to get that chance to be a big brother." Off Lee's look, she continued, "We'll tell him we'll discuss the dog later, after we find the house."
Epilogue
Caitlin sat down at the table, joining Andy for the lunch she'd fixed them both. He was munching absently on his sandwich while he sorted haphazardly through the afternoon mail.
"Bills, bills," he muttered in disgust, then brightened at the return address on the one in his hand. "Hey, here's something from Lee and Amanda."
Cait sipped at her milk and waited patiently for Andy to open the envelope. When he did, he pulled out a card and a snapshot. He frowned at it for a moment, then his face broke into a wide grin.
"Well, I'll be..." he laughed.
"What is it?" Cait asked curiously.
Andy handed the picture over to her. "See for yourself."
Cait took the photo. In it Lee and Amanda stood on their porch. Lee's hand rested lovingly on Amanda's stomach and they both wore absurdly silly grins on their faces.