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Amanda Stetson watched her husband, Lee, pack for a three day trip to New York. Try as she might, she could not keep some of her agitation from showing. This was their first Christmas alone together as a family. So far the season had been great. Whether it was because of Lee's acceptance into her close-knit family or the excitement he felt about their first pregnancy and his own impending fatherhood, Amanda wasn't sure. Whatever the reason, he'd developed a new interest in the holidays and had pitched in with the decorating and gift wrapping. He and the boys even tried making holiday cookies. The results weren't quite up to par, but the fun the guys had as they systematically floured the kitchen and each other made up for the strange looking snowmen and reindeer.
The only remaining chore was buying gifts for Lee's cousins. That wouldn't have been a problem except they needed to be mailed. The deadline for delivery before Christmas was fast approaching... something Amanda found distressing, and Lee saw as no problem.
It wasn't because they hadn't been shopping already. Amanda had suggested several ideas, only to have Lee negate them. He explained that since this was his first real family Christmas, he wanted the presents to be just right. Amanda agreed, but she preferred to get stuff done before deadlines, and Lee was exhibiting an unusual amount of his "wait 'til the last minute" attitude.
For some reason she couldn't quite understand, his actions irritated her more than she wanted to admit. She'd tried to blame it on extra tiredness and the mood swings normal in the early months of pregnancy, but it still took all of her willpower not to send her husband out of town on the heels of a major argument.
Taking a deep breath, Amanda remarked testily, "But Lee, by the time you get back from New York there'll only be five days before Christmas. That's not enough time for us to go shopping."
"Amanda, don't worry about it. The guys are used to either getting my packages at odd times, or not getting anything at all. I'm always out of the country or don't know what to buy," Lee responded in a casual manner. Then, a little chagrined, he mumbled, "Thought I was doing okay with the scarfs until Skip told me he'd collected the ones I sent him and sewed them together into a large afghan."
Behind his back, Amanda rolled her eyes in sympathy with Skip. She had a couple of Lee's scarfs stashed away herself.
"Okay, Sweetheart, then why don't we do what I suggested before. Send them some money and tell them to go out for a dinner and a movie on us? That way whatever they do will be just what they want at the time, and we can kinda share in it with them."
Lee stood up and gave her an irritated look. "No, I told you I don't like the idea of money as Christmas or birthday gifts." Realizing he'd spoken a little too harshly, he lowered his voice. "I want to do something different this year... something special." Then gazing down at the socks in his hands, he added, "Money seems so impersonal."
Normally Amanda would have picked up on his actions as subtle clues of a larger problem, but her irritation at what she deemed procrastination clouded her senses. During the years they'd worked together, she'd cleaned up last minute messes for him on more than one occasion. She knew Lee had a tendency to put off unenjoyable work. He also dragged his heels when working on relationships. She usually just accepted it, but right now it was almost more than she could deal with.
Glancing at his wife, Lee stopped packing. Raising his hands in a placating manner, he suggested, "Look, if time is the problem, then just Fed Ex the gifts. I've done it before."
Amanda's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "Federal Express! Do you have any idea how much that costs?"
Taken back at what he considered a reasonable solution, Lee looked perplexed. "Yeah... vaguely. Why?"
"Because," Amanda responded a little too sweetly. "We have a budget to maintain."
His reply was aborted by Phillip yelling for Amanda's help downstairs. Realizing a major argument was brewing, he tried another approach. "Look, I'll tell you what. I should be able to do some shopping in New York. These conferences don't last all day. I'll take some brown paper and tape in my suitcase and have the hotel mail them for me. How 'bout that?"
Amanda stopped her movement toward the door and turned to face him. She hoped her lack of confidence in his carrying through wasn't too visible. "Okay," she relented. "I'd really appreciate it. It would take a lot off my mind."
She turned to leave and Lee sighed inwardly, returning his attention to his suitcase. A small voice told him something bigger was going on here, but he had no time to deal with it. Grabbing his hanging clothes from the closet, he headed downstairs. As he entered the kitchen, he found Amanda refereeing an argument about Jamie going with Phillip and his buddies to a basketball game.
The earlier annoyances began to fade as he watched his newly-claimed family sort out their differences and his appreciation of Amanda's people abilities surfaced.
Wanting to leave on a better note, he teased his wife and sons. "Excuse me, I'm about to leave here for the cold north. Could we call a time out?"
"Yeah, sure," chimed Jamie and Phillip. "Have a great time. When'll you be back?"
"Wednesday night. Hey, good luck at the game." Then catching Amanda's eye he smiled an impish grin. "Sure could use a hug."
Having calmed down a little herself, Amanda couldn't resist that smile. She walked over to him. "Sounds like a suggestion I can handle. Sure I can't take you to the airport, Sweetheart? It'll give us a little more time together. Maybe help undo the last few minutes." Slipping her arms around him, she gave him a tight squeeze and held it a little longer than usual.
Pulling away slightly, Lee looked down at her. "Naw, no use in both of us getting out in the slush." He held her gaze for a moment. "I really will try to get the shopping done. If I can't I'll let you know, and you can take care of it your way. Okay?"
Looking up into his eyes, Amanda saw his sincerity and the last troubled thoughts left her mind. Lee Stetson, you are far too handsome for my own good. I hope you don't know just how irresistible that grin of yours is, or how hard it is for me to deal with those soulful eyes. I don't mind you knowing a little, but the whole truth would give you too much of an edge.
"I'd appreciate it." She grinned as they headed toward the door, pausing slightly for a kiss.
They had barely parted but Lee whispered, "How about another one? It needs to last me three days you know."
As Amanda laughed and reached up to him once more, they heard a moan from the peanut section. "Gee, you'd think he was leaving for a six month trek in the Amazon."
* * *
The next couple of days flew by with the usual holiday activities and daily phone calls from Lee. True to his word, he did try to go shopping but events kept interfering. Wednesday morning dawned bright and cold with a telephone ringing in Amanda's ear.
"Hello," she mumbled groggily.
"Hello, yourself, Sleepyhead," Lee gently chided. It wasn't often he got to tease his early-rising wife about staying in bed. Usually the shoe was on the other foot.
Amanda chuckled. "What are you doing up so early? Hotel fire drill?"
"Nope, but I'm calling to say we had a blizzard up here and I won't be able to fly out this morning. I'll call you when I know more. And also... I never found any gifts."
Amanda looked at the ceiling and sighed. She had purposefully tried to be optimistic and not bring up the touchy subject in their conversations.
Hearing the silence on her end, Lee quickly added, "I did try, but things kept coming up. I know this puts us in a bind, so why don't you go out and get whatever you feel is appropriate. I know I'll think it's great."
"Promise?" she asked, remembering all of her dismissed suggestions.
"Yeah, I've had my shot at it and came up empty-handed so you go do whatever you feel is right."
"Okay, but I'm not going to have much time to look."
"I know. I know. I should've listened to you a long time ago," Lee grudgingly acknowledged.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Amanda glanced at her watch and sighed. She had taken a long lunch break to buy the presents Lee had objected to the least. Unfortunately, it seemed other people thought they were good ideas. After two hours of futile searching, she knew she had to go back to work to finish up some faxes before the offices closed for the day.
"I knew this was going to happen," she mumbled to herself. "If I don't get the gifts in the mail tomorrow, they'll never get there on time."
Amanda was so engrossed in her own problems she didn't notice a lady waving her down from the next aisle over.
"Amanda, yoo hoo, Amanda," came a syrupy sweet voice.
Amanda continued towards the front door until a hand clutched her arm, and the voice broke through her concentration.
"Amanda King," it complained. "What are you thinking about? Is it that husband of yours? He's such a looker!"
For a moment Amanda stared dumbly at Matilda Grasner, a lady she worked with on the PTA. Matilda was a good and reliable worker if she ever stopped talking long enough to get anything done.
"I'm sorry, I keep forgetting your name isn't King any more now is it?" Matilda prattled on. "What do we call you now, other than lucky?"
"Stetson," Amanda managed to get out. "I married Lee Stetson. A man I met at work."
"Well, from what I hear, would that all us women should work where you do!" The woman glanced down at the slight bulge in Amanda's usually flat abdomen. "Ooooh, I'd heard you were expecting. How wonderful for you... and at your age too." She smiled widely and Amanda sighed, knowing this woman really meant no harm. "Whatcha doing? Trying to buy that perfect gift for the new daddy?"
"Uh, no, I'm trying to find presents for some of his relatives." Hoping maybe a time limit would get her out of Matilda's clutches, she continued. "In fact, I was on my way back to work. I haven't been very successful so I'll have to come back out again tonight.
"Where are they going?" Matilda questioned, ignoring the hint.
"Out west," Amanda responded, trying to inch away.
"Oh, Honey, it's too late for that now. I got mine off yesterday and there was a sign at the counter saying because of unusually bad weather in the midwest some airports were closed and packages were running about two days behind."
Lifting her hands in exasperation, Amanda groaned in frustration and exasperation. "Great! So much for them getting their presents on time."
"Well, Honey, it's too late for packages, but not for letters. If you take them to the Georgetown branch tomorrow there's still a chance," Matilda countered.
For a moment, Amanda's frazzled mind stopped working. Why in the world would I want to send Lee's cousins letters for Christmas?
Noting her friend's quizzical look, Matilda continued. "Money, Honey. Send them a check and let them do their own shopping. That's what we do for all of Hubert's nieces and nephews. At least that way we know whatever it is fits."
"Uh, no... thanks, but Lee doesn't like sending money. He wants some type of gift."
"Well, what about gift certificates? That way you can tell him you took the time to go to the stores you know they shop at."
Amanda considered the suggestion thoughtfully. It did seem to be a compromise. Lee's cousins would know she took the time to go to their favorite stores, and she still had a chance to get it to them before Christmas day. She still had to get back to work, but if she went out again tonight she could get them in tomorrow morning's pick up. Giving Matilda an appreciative thanks and arm squeeze, she made a quick exit before the conversation could turn back to the original questions concerning Lee.
Later that evening after washing dishes and getting Jamie and Phillip off to a friend's house for a sleep-over, Amanda plopped down on the den sofa to await Lee's arrival. She was very pleased with the way the day turned out. She had made it to four different stores, and bought all the certificates. She even found some especially pretty Christmas cards with endearing verses in which to send them. A crowning touch came when, on a whim, she ran by the post office and discovered they had increased their mail pick ups, and her gifts would go out in tonight's late mail. Now all she had to do was await her husband.
* * *
As he opened the back door, a tired government agent was greeted by a warm but silent house. "Hello? Anybody home?" Lee called out slightly upset. So much for a cherry "Welcome home, Sweetheart. I missed you."
His irritation quickly dissolved, however, as he walked towards the staircase and noticed Amanda napping on the couch. Setting his bags down, he knelt down and kissed her lightly on the nose. He swallowed a chuckle as he watched her twitch. Grinning broadly, Lee couldn't resist doing it again. This time, Amanda sleepily reached up to scratch her nose, and Lee burst out laughing as she snuggled back down into the sofa pillows.
"Some secret agent you are," he teased gently stroking her arm.
At the sound of his voice, Amanda's eyes flickered open. "What?" she asked groggily as she looked up trying to clear her fuzzy head. "Oh, hi, Sweetheart. You finally got here." She smiled as she focused in on her husband's amused expression. "Hmm... what were you saying?"
"I said," Lee repeated, "some secret agent you are, letting me sneak up on you and kiss your nose twice without you even realizing what was going on."
"Well, maybe my guard was down a little, but not any less than yours was Friday morning in the shower."
Lee held up his hands in mock surrender. "Touché. Maybe some type of successful sneak attacks aren't all bad." As he reached down to give his wife a hug, he continued. "Speaking of sneak attacks, it's time for that movie the boys have been talking about all break. Should we move quickly in order to miss being pounced upon as they claim the sofa or should we count on them seeing if it's vacant before they leap over the back."
Getting up and sitting beside him, Amanda laughed. "None of the above. They're over at Chester's spending the night."
"You mean we've got the entire house all to ourselves?" Lee's eyes opened in amazement.
"Yeah," Amanda responded. "What if we go change into something more comfortable, start a fire in the fireplace, turn off all the lights except the Christmas tree, put some holiday music on, get some eggnog and snuggle up here on the couch and have our own little holiday celebration?"
"Sounds like a plan to me," Lee exclaimed as he rose off the sofa and headed up stairs with his luggage. "Are we celebrating anything other than a little privacy?"
"Yep, you're home and what started out as a frustrating day ended on a good note. Thanks to running into an old acquaintance, I was able to both buy and get your cousins' gifts mailed today."
"Oh, and how's that?" Lee asked over his shoulder.
"Gift certificates," Amanda proclaimed triumphantly, following behind him close enough that she nearly slammed into him when he stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her in amazement.
"What?" There was an edge to his voice.
Stepping back in confusion, Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "Gift certificates. I went to the stores and bought them each a certificate. Then I was lucky enough to find some really pretty cards to send them in. In fact, the cards were so nice I nearly bought some to put on our mantle for us to enjoy. Then on a whim I ran by the post office and found out I was just in time to get them off in the late mail." Her voice trailed off as she watched a hardness cover her husband's face.
"I can't believe it," Lee mumbled, setting his luggage back down and looking off into space. Then, turning toward Amanda, the tiredness and frustration of the day's travel caught up with him as he snapped. "Why did you go and do the one thing I asked you not to? I specifically said I didn't want to send money. With all the stores around here, couldn't you have found something else?"
Stung and blind-sided by his words, for a split-second Amanda stared dumbly at him as her natural instinct for peace making began to focus. "I'm sorry, Lee. I thought the gift certificates would be a compromise."
"It's still money, Amanda. It still says that they have to do their own shopping. They'll think we didn't care enough to spend time finding them a gift. Why was it so hard to buy something, put it in a box, and then mail it?"
As Amanda listened to Lee's tirade, long buried memories of a Christmas past filled her thoughts. She still tried to keep the edge off her voice, but barely succeeded. "It's not money, Lee. They'll know that we... I took the time to go to stores."
"What do you mean 'I?' We went shopping together. In fact, I've gone through more stores this year than in the past ten Christmases combined." He flung his arms out for emphasis.
"And a whole lot of good it did," Amanda countered. "You never could make a decision, and refused all my ideas. I couldn't get you to make up your mind about anything, and evidently not everybody thought my ideas were so bad because when I went back to look for a couple of them, they were sold out. I shopped for almost two hours today at lunch time and came up empty. If it hadn't been for Matilda Grasner, I'd probably still be at the stores right now!"
"Besides, you promised me you'd do the shopping in New York? You said you'd take care of it and make sure that the presents got off in time."
Lee tried to cut in but Amanda took a deep breath and continued on.
"Also, if you remember, this morning you told me to go do what I thought was best, and you promised you would agree with it. Well, I did, and now I'm getting chewed out for my efforts." By this time Amanda was as much in Lee's face as he was in hers. "That's two promises you've made to me and two promises you've broken, and now all of a sudden I'm the bad guy; and I really do not appreciate it."
Thoughts tumbled through his mind as Lee glared down at this wife, only half registering the unusual irritation in her voice. He'd been brewing for a fight all day. First the hotel had gotten his bill wrong, then the airlines got his baggage but not him on an earlier flight, and to end it all he had to sit in the smoking section next to a man with a cheap cigar.
Similar thoughts were also running through Amanda's mind as she held her own territory and glared up at her husband. Even though she loved the holidays, she was tired of all the added hustle and bustle. As much as she hated to admit it, being pregnant at her age was tiring and a lot harder than she'd remembered. Plus, work had been a bear, with the fax machine throwing a fit and making what should have been an easy job into a first class headache. Jamie and Phillip had gotten into a fight on the way over to Chester's and in trying to calm them down she'd almost rear-ended a car when it slowed down unexpectedly. Now, the one thing that had seemed to go right for her today was being blown apart in a very petty manner.
For a few minutes silence filled the house, only to be broken by the ticking of the grandfather clock. Then Amanda turned. "This is not the homecoming I had planned for you," she whispered, hurt evident in her voice.
The wounded tone cut through the anger seething inside of Lee. Lifting his hands to his throbbing temples, he sighed. "Yeah, I know the feeling. It's not what I had in mind either. Look, you're right. I told you to do whatever you thought was best. I know you wouldn't knowingly do something to make me angry. It's just..." As Amanda looked up at him, words failed so he leaned over and rested his hands on the bannister. "Look, it's been a long day, and I'm tired. What's done is done. Let's forget about it."
His words were of little consolation to her bruised spirit, but Amanda had calmed down enough to recognize a semi-apology when she heard it. Still miffed, but calmer she allowed him to give her a hug.
"Don't worry, Amanda. I can live with what you did."
Pulling back from him enough to put her forefinger against his chest and push him away, she echoed, "You can live with it? Well, that's real big of you."
"Yeah," Lee said with exasperation. "You did the best you could, and I can live with it. Don't worry. If anybody says anything I'll take care of it. They're my family, and I did renege on my promises so if there's any apologizing to do over the certificates, I'll do it."
"Apologize? Did you say apologize?" Amanda's voice rose loud and clear. "Listen to me, Lee Stetson, no one has to apologize for the gifts I buy our family. I try my darndest to do the best I can with the resources, time and people I have to work with. And excuse me," she continued with a tremble to her voice, "but I thought it was our family now or did I misunderstand you on that also. You've begun referring to Jamie and Phillip as ours sons. I thought we were beginning to be a family." She spoke woodenly as Lee watched her in confusion. "Maybe I've been wrong about that and... and a lot of other things concerning us."
Lee stood dumbfounded as he followed her flight up the stairs with his eyes. How did they start out arguing about gifts for his cousins and end up with her doubting his commitment to her and the boys? Mumbling to himself, he once again picked up his suitcases and headed up the stairs wondering how fate usually managed to work against them during the few private times they did manage.
Entering the bedroom, Lee sat down on the bed just as Amanda came out of the bath. In the process of removing her shirt, she caught sight of him, glared, and stopped undressing as she made her way over to her chest-of-drawers. Digging way down deep into her drawer, she pulled out a purple and black plaid high-necked flannel nightgown with some type of bric-a-brac lining the front and sleeves.
"What's that?" Lee grimaced as she gathered it to her and headed back towards the bathroom.
"The nightgown my Great Aunt Ida Mae gave me a few Christmases ago."
"Was she mad at you at the time?" Lee teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Amanda was not amused. "No, she was not mad. She said it was guaranteed to keep me warm during a very cold winter night." Stopping for just a second she stated, "And I'll thank you not to make disparaging remarks about my family's choice of gifts. At least it arrived on time and fits."
As she slammed the door, Lee pulled himself up and started undressing. Unpacking would just have to wait until the morning. It seemed the less said or done the better the situation would be.
A plaid flannel nightgown. Lee groaned to himself. This is not a sign she's calming down. In fact, I can only think of one thing worse... Lee paused briefly and looked up as Amanda stomped out of the bathroom. Hair curlers, he noted as he looked on in horror.
Noticing his stare, Amanda asked, "Having a problem?"
"Hair curlers," Lee mumbled. "You're wearing pink foam hair curlers."
"Haven't you ever seen a woman in curlers before?"
"Not you, except the hot ones you use in the morning."
"For your information, the reason I'm wearing these is because I had to cancel my hair appointment this afternoon so I could go shopping. My bangs are too long for those hot rollers to do much good, and I have a presentation I have to give at 8:00 in the morning."
"Look, Amanda... I might have been wrong with what I said tonight, but don't you think you're overreacting just a little? I mean do you have any idea how... uh, what you look like?"
"Then turn off the light and you won't have to look at me. And no, I don't think I'm overreacting. You were way out of line with the apology bit. I've spent the last four years helping you meet deadlines you put off until the last minute and half the time I got no thanks for my efforts. Now, I'm being scolded for pulling your backside out of the fire because I pulled you in what you think is the wrong direction. I think I'm due an explanation for your actions. Not just some half-baked apology." She glared at him from her side of the bed.
Frustrated, Lee took his clothes off of his side of the bed and threw them on the floor. "I've already explained my feelings to you. You're being totally unreasonable. Here we have an evening to ourselves and you're ruining it." As Amanda's eyes widened, he continued. "I told you not to worry about it, but you blew it all out of proportion."
"You know, Lee, I think we've both said more than enough for the evening. I think it would be a good idea if we just went to bed. Maybe we'll be better off finishing this discussion in the morning," Amanda concluded in a small voice as she laid down and faced outward.
"Fine," Lee chorused. "That's just fine with me."
Knowing he would be unable to immediately fall asleep, Lee got into bed with a magazine and made a half-hearted attempt to read it. It didn't work. One of the things that always characterized his relationship with Amanda was the fact that he couldn't stand to be out of sorts with her. Other people he could yell at and just walk away from, but not her.
Upset as he was now, he still missed her closeness. Glancing back over his shoulder at her, he inwardly sighed as he saw her as close to her edge of the bed as possible. He could almost imagine the words "Stay on your side of the bed, Buster" written down her plaid-draped backbone. Even in the short amount of time they'd been living together on a consistent basis, he'd grown so used to having her snuggled up next to him when they were falling asleep that when he traveled he found drifting off more difficult now than in the past. It just wasn't the new bed and different surroundings. He missed his wife. Missed her softness and the acceptance he felt when she reached out to him in her sleep. He hadn't felt this lonely or unsettled in a long time. It brought back memories that he would rather not have to deal with...
* * *
A young Lee Stetson made his way through the halls of the base as quickly as possible. He tried hard not to admit it, but today was one of his favorite days of the year. Today was the day his uncle would take him shopping for his Christmas presents. Even though this trip took the place of waking up Christmas morning to a tree and gifts, Lee still enjoyed its significance. It was one of the few regular outings he and the Colonel shared. One of the few times he had his uncle just to himself. If he was lucky, he'd be able to play his cards right and stretch the day out long enough to include lunch and part of the afternoon.
As he approached the office, he noticed the door was slightly ajar and his uncle was talking to the base commander.
A tight knot began to build in his stomach as he said a silent prayer that the Colonel was not being given an assignment that would interfere with the day's plans. Quietly he sat down in one of the hall chairs, and tried to listen to the conversation.
"Look, Colonel, I know this is last minute, and I'll give it to someone who doesn't have family if it's going to disrupt your holiday plans."
"No, General, that's fine. Lee and I don't do much for the season anyway. I've always tried to steer him away from the commercial trappings. He'll understand. He's sixteen and getting too old for all this holiday stuff."
"I don't know," the General hesitated. "My grandkids are about that age, and they still seem to get a kick out of the stockings and all. Course they don't let on too much, but every once in a while I'll catch them doing something that makes me think they'd miss out on all the family festivities if all of a sudden our schedules changed."
"Well, now, Sir, you see that's the problem. Your grandchildren are used to all the hubbub. Lee isn't. In fact, a quarter of the time he spends Christmas with one of the families he's gotten to know on the base. I'm really quite proud of how resilient he is about the matter. Takes it in stride. Just like I taught him."
"Hmm... well, okay, if you say so. I wouldn't have asked you in the first place if I'd known you had a nephew living with you. When I asked my secretary to pull up a list of all unmarried personnel, I should've made sure she checked to see if they had any dependents. I'll remember that next year. When can you get started?"
"How about this afternoon," the Colonel replied. "The sooner we have those photographs the better."
"That would be great, but don't you have to make arrangements for your nephew?" the General asked hesitatingly.
"I've already done that. Lee will stay with Sgt. Miller and his family. I've already confirmed his reservations, and I'm packed. The only thing left is to wait for him to show up here to give him the schedule. We were supposed to go shopping today, but the more I think about it, the more I think I'll give him some money and send him out on his own. He's sixteen now and doesn't really need me hovering over him. The quicker he learns to be self-sufficient, the better."
"All right, then," the General relented. "He's your nephew. You know him."
As the General stepped out of the office, and adjusted his hat, he glanced down the hallway just in time to see the building's outside doors crash behind a lanky young man as he ran across the compound towards the barracks.
* * *
Lee tightened his eyes against the hurt the painful memory brought back. Once again he had opened himself up to the hopes of enjoying a Christmas only to have the rug pulled out beneath him. He didn't know whether he was more angry or hurt. He knew Amanda hadn't purposefully done something to hurt him, but she had and it made him angry.
Turning off the light, he scrunched his pillow up in a ball and then hammered it with his fist. Taking the opportunity to glance over at his wife to see if his actions would unstiffen her backbone, he was met with only more silence, except for what may have been a muffled sniffle.
Uh-uh, Lee thought to himself. I've already done my part to end this argument. If you think crying is going to bring me around you are dead wrong. His self-righteousness lasted only as long as it took him to lay back down and become still. Then, as before, the loneliness crept back in.
Amanda bit her lips as she tried to ignore Lee's movements. She too missed cuddling up next to him to fall asleep. His shoulder had become her favorite pillow. She knew she'd broken two very basic rules for an argument. She hadn't stayed with the original problem, and she was allowing them to go to bed angry. Experience told her it wouldn't be any better in the morning. In fact, after a sleepless night, tempers would be more on edge than ever.
Why did I do it? she berated herself.
A small voice answered. Because you're tired of making allowances for everyone else and not having the same grace extended to you. Lee broke two promises to you and then made you out to be the bad guy because his expectations weren't met.
But he tried to apologize, Amanda talked back.
Some apology! responded the voice. Maybe this evening was just a little too close to a rerun. Are you upset with Lee or are you still mad at Joe? Who did you hear talking tonight?
Amanda pushed her face into her pillow to muffle her quick intake of breath as scenes from six years ago came before her eyes. Have I made the same mistake marrying Lee that I did with Joe? I wouldn't have been the first person to have fallen into the same trap all over again?
"Come on boys," Joe King yelled up the stairs. "You can take one toy a piece over to your grandparent's house. Hurry up. You know how Grandma King gets when her dressing cools down."
Wish he worried as much about how I felt about that. Amanda sighed as she took her casserole out of the oven and wrapped it in a towel to keep warm. The sting of two nights ago was still more than she wanted to admit, and this morning hadn't done much to soothe the situation.
"Are you ready, Amanda?" Joe asked coming up behind her. "Are the presents in the car? Is everything ready except the boys? You know how Mother gets when we're late."
"Yes, Joe, everything's ready, and I know exactly how your mother gets when she's kept waiting. I've seen a lot more of her these past two years than you have." Amanda bit her lip as the words tumbled out. Starting an argument wasn't going to help matters any.
"Look, I said I was sorry about the other night, and I promise I'll get you more for Christmas. It's just that with the hectic schedule these past two weeks, time got away from me. I promise I'll go out first thing tomorrow and get you something really nice. Okay."
"I don't need something really nice, Joe. What I want is some of your time and attention," Amanda said softly. "Could I have some of that tomorrow morning?"
Joe looked away ruefully. "The ambassador from Estonia is leaving on an 11:00 a.m. plane, and I have to meet with him and his assistant before driving them to the airport. We need to exchange some papers they've been working on. They don't celebrate Christmas, remember?"
"Yes, I remember, but if you're going to be meeting with them how does the phrase 'first thing tomorrow' fit in with getting my present?" Amanda asked pointedly.
"Look, don't worry about it, okay. I'll work it in somehow. You know I didn't expect them to be in the States when I was here. Give me a break, will ya. I'm doing the best I can. It's my job."
At that moment, the boys came tearing down the stairs, and Joe hustled them out to the car as Amanda gathered up her casserole, thoughts, and emotions.
I know it's your job, Joe. I just had this crazy notion that since you hadn't seen us in six months you might leave Africa in Africa. My mistake.
Unfortunately, the day didn't improve as it wore on. Mrs. King managed to drop Amanda hints that if she were the right type of wife Joe wouldn't want to travel half-way around the world to have a fulfilled life.
"You know, my dear," stated Josephine King, "It is up to a wife to make the home a place the man wants to come back to. A home is his castle... a refuge from the world. These three weeks that we've been fortunate enough to have Joe with us... have you done your best to see that your home was a place he looked forward to coming home to at the end of a hard day's work?"
Amanda bit her tongue as her mother-in-law turned her attention to Phillip and Jamie. "Now Phillip sit up straight at the table while we bring in dessert. Jamie keep your hands in your lap, Dear." Memories of the basketball game she and the boys watched while Joe talked on the phone ran across her mind. She thought of the times she and the boys had tried to meet him for lunch only to be stood up, and more pointedly of the other night when she took the boys to her parents' and fixed a romantic candlelight meal of Joe's favorite foods. The house was immaculate and she had splurged and bought a new red nightgown. Joe had promised to be home by 7:30. He hadn't arrived home until 9:00 and was so tired that within 45 minutes he was asleep on the couch.
After dinner they'd opened their presents. Amanda and the boys received new expensive clothing "befitting an important lawyer's family." Joe received a new leather briefcase with his initials hand-tooled into the leather.
Amanda held her breath as her in-laws opened their presents. Jack King held up his new pipe proudly. "Well, well, I haven't seen one of these in a long time. Where on earth did you get it?" He beamed.
Amanda smiled in relief. "A new collectable shop opened over on 5th and Johnson. I went in just to browse and that had just been traded in. I thought I recognized it as one of the ones you were still looking for for your collection."
"Yes indeed, my dear. It's in very good shape and I'd say whoever traded it in either doesn't appreciate good pipes or didn't know what they had."
Amanda turned towards her mother-in-law as she opened her gift. "Oh, my, what a beautiful vase." Amanda sighed in relief. "This time last year this color was just what I was looking for... such a shame that this stuff comes in and out of style so quickly." Amanda's face fell. Noticing her daughter-in-law's downcast expression, Josephine King continued, "but the thought was just lovely, dear. Did you check with Joe first? No, well maybe you should. That's one thing he has been so good at is keeping up on what is of value in my glass collection."
Looking over at his son's family sitting uncomfortably on the couch, Jack King spoke up. "Boys, go over behind that big blue chair and see if you find anything."
The boys looked at each other and then eagerly went searching. War whoops erupted as they dragged out Cowboy and Indian costumes with full headdresses and ammunition.
"Thanks! Grandpa! This is great!" they chorused as they proceeded to put on their new attire and act according to their roles. As their grandmother looked on in horror and their grandfather herded them into the den, Joe took Amanda's arm and led her into the library.
"Amanda, why didn't you check with me first?" he demanded.
"I tried, but in case you haven't noticed you've been gone a lot lately. It was what she raved about this past spring."
"How much did it cost you?"
"Twenty dollars. Why?"
"Because last spring it was worth three times that. Mother knows you bought her a cheap present, and that pipe you got Dad..." Amanda nodded slowly. "The red ring around the stem isn't enclosed by two small gold bands. It's an imitation. Not the real thing."
The frustration building up over the past three weeks spilt over as Amanda lashed out. "Well, excuse me. I did the best I could with the money you gave me to spend. Your parents already have three of everything. I have no idea what to buy them, and you sure didn't give me any clues. You're suppose to be home on family leave, remember?"
"Okay, okay, let's not get into this now. I'll go out and set things straight with my folks." As he walked towards the library door, Amanda heard him mumble. "I can't believe I'm having to apologize for their Christmas presents."
Defeated, Amanda turned towards the window overlooking the back gardens. Tears formed in her eyes, and slowly trickled down her cheeks. It was over. She had tried hard not to admit it, but it was over. Deep in her thoughts she didn't hear the door open until her father-in-law gently closed it.
Hastily brushing away the moisture from around her eyes she turned to face him.
"I thought I might find you here, Amanda and don't worry about trying to hide those tears. If I were you, I'd be crying myself right now."
His kindness threatened to overwhelm her as she buried her face into his broad shoulder. "There, there, my dear. None of this is your fault. I know you've done the best you could."
"The pipe isn't the right one. Is it?" she asked in a small voice.
Hesitating for a second, he slowly shook his head, adding quickly, "But knowing you cared enough to try and find something I've been looking for means more to me than any old pipe ever will. In fact, one of the main reason I keep them around is to give Josephine something to complain about. She's not happy unless she can grumble."
Amanda managed a small grin, but then turned serious. "She blames me for Joe leaving."
"Nonsense. Joe left because he has something to prove to himself. It would have come out sooner or later in some form or fashion. It's been brewing for a long time." Pulling her into his arms, he took a deep breath. "I'd hoped when the two of you got married Joe would find what he was looking for. Maybe if you had moved away from here it would have happened."
Amanda looked at him quizzically. "Should I have gone with him? I thought you were glad the boys and I stayed stateside?"
"Oh, I am, Amanda. I'm very glad." Putting her at an arm's length, he continued, "Amanda West King, I think if any woman could have kept Joe at home, you could have. I think you're just what he needs, but he's blind to it."
Dropping his arms, he walked across the room and then turned back, "No, a lot of this is my fault. I should have stood up to his mother a long time ago and didn't. As a result my son is trying to be his own person."
"Amanda, if a man is the type to leave his family, he will, no matter where they make their home. Joe has something gnawing at him, and it won't let him go until he conquers it. He's a good man in many ways. He's honest, dependable, and a hard worker. I know he has and will continue to financially provide for you and the boys. But until he gets this monkey off his back, he won't be the husband to you he should. It's not your voice he hears when you talk about the importance of home and family..."
* * *
"What?" Amanda startled awake. Had she actually gone to sleep? Looking around she saw a dark room and an empty bed. Lying back on her pillows, she reached out and touched Lee's empty spot.
It's not your voice he hears, Amanda, she repeated to herself.
* * *
"Damn!" Lee muttered as Murphy's answering machine picked up his call. Slamming down the phone, Lee checked the clock as he began pacing the room. "One o'clock. It's eleven your time." The thought of Murphy and Sherry enjoying an evening out did nothing to sooth his raw, tired nerves. Looking toward the stairs, he grimaced. How could she go to sleep, or was she just very good at playing possum? Lee didn't know. This was the first time he and Amanda had ever gone to bed mad before.
Alternating between pacing the floor and sulking on the couch, Lee whittled away the next half hour before trying Murphy one more time. When the recorder again picked up, Lee quickly dialed Skip's number and immediately regretted it when his cousin's semi-groggy voice answered.
"Uh, Hi, Skip. It's Lee. Guess I woke you up."
"Hmm, not really. It's been a long day. We were just settling down for a long winter's nap." A quick pause. "Hey, where are you?"
"I'm at home."
"Lee, it's one-thirty your time. What's wrong? Is something the matter with Amanda or the baby?"
"No... no they're fine. Why does something have to be wrong? Can't I just call to say Merry Christmas?" Lee grumbled.
"Yeah, you could," Skip agreed, "but you never have before. Are Amanda and the kids gone somewhere and you're having a case of the lonelies?"
"The boys are, they're spending the night at a friend's house, but Amanda's upstairs asleep."
"And you're downstairs talking to me on the phone? Did the two of you have a fight?"
"What makes you think that?" Lee groused.
"Oh, nothing other than I'm trying to come up with a reason why you and Amanda have a rare night to yourselves and instead of being with her you're talking cross country to me? Sorry, but it just seems a little odd."
"Well, maybe we did have a slight misunderstanding," Lee acknowledged.
"Buddy, to get you on the phone with me at this hour it must have been a heck of a lot more than a slight misunderstanding."
"Murphy wasn't home."
"Oh, I see," Skip mumbled sarcastically. "And they say I'm the one with no tact."
"Lee, are you guys okay?" Melanie's voice chimed in worriedly from the extension.
"They had a fight," Skip explained.
"Oooh, Hmm. You want me to get off and just let you guys talk?" she offered.
"No," Lee accepted. "Maybe a woman's input would help here. She undressed in the bathroom, put on a flannel nightgown, and encircled her face in pink sponge rollers."
As Melanie tried to stifle a giggle, Skip whistled, "Man, what did you do to deserve that?"
"I'm not sure, but I think it had to do something with breaking promises," Lee began as he miserably related the evenings events.
At the end of his explanation, a thoughtful silence hung in the air.
"Lee," Mel began hesitantly. "It sounds like she was more upset about you apologizing for the gifts than anything else."
"Yeah, now that I think about it, that wasn't a real smart thing to say. But why did she react to that more than me breaking the two promises?"
"I don't know," Melanie said gently. "She's the one who's going to have to tell you that."
"Lee," Skip spoke up in a low voice. "When Amanda sent us what you considered money instead of a regular gift, whose face did you see... her's or your uncle's?"
"What do you mean?" Lee asked defensively.
"I think you know," Skip prompted gently. "Sending money instead of gifts really isn't that big a deal unless it pushes a person's unhappy memory button."
Lee thought for a moment as Mel gently added, "Sounds like maybe you hit one of her buttons too."
"Look, Cuz," Skip continued, unusually serious. "I know there's a lot you're not thrilled about remembering or talking about, but if it's going to interfere with your life, you might have to. Your uncle controlled your past. Don't let him control your future."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Lee grudgingly conceded.
"Amanda really loves you, Lee," Melanie gently interjected, "You've seemed a lot happier since the two of you have been together. I don't know what went on with your uncle, but Skip and I've learned that as tough as it is sometimes, in order for old wounds to heal they have to be opened up and aired out. If done correctly, that's when the real cure begins. If you don't deal with it now, it'll come back to haunt you again, either in the same argument or just your inability to go to Amanda and explain why you got so upset."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. You sound a lot like Amanda, Melanie. That's what she keeps telling me, but this time she didn't follow her own advice."
"I think that means she's hurting for some reason that's maybe just as hard for her to discuss."
"I'd say the ball's in your court this time, Cuz," Skip suggested. "Why don't you stop talking to us and go get stuff straight with your wife before those curlers become an every night occurrence."
"Yeah. Thanks for listening," Lee stated.
"No problem," the Carmichaels chorused.
Putting down the phone, Lee stood up and then turned at the soft pad of footsteps.
Amanda stood in the doorway... minus the curlers, a point Lee quickly picked up on.
"Hi there," he began tentatively.
Amanda sighed and studied her slippers. Looking up, she softly said, "I came to apologize. I broke two cardinal rules tonight. I didn't stay on the subject, and I went to bed mad. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry."
Lee walked toward her a few steps and stopped. "Yeah, well I didn't do so great myself." Motioning towards the phone, he continued ruefully, "I did pretty good at breaking some rules myself. I called up Skip and Mel and talked to them instead of talking to you."
"You called Skip and Melanie about our argument?" Amanda asked with a mixture of annoyance and surprise.
"Yeah, Murphy wasn't home."
"Hmmm, what did they say?" Her irritation was draining away and being replaced with slight amusement at the thought of Skip giving anyone advise on how to remove a person's foot from their mouth.
"Said to quit talking to them and start talking to you," Lee acknowledged. Then pausing for a moment, he continued, "Skip also said to remember who's the one doing the talking." When Amanda gave him a puzzled frown, he held out his hand for her to take and gently led her over to the couch.
"Amanda, I'm sorry I got on your case tonight. What you did for gifts was perfectly okay. In fact, I think I'm pretty darn lucky to have a wife who cares enough about my relatives to try and do something special for them and to consider them part of her own family."
"I feel pretty lucky to have them," Amanda whispered.
"Yeah, well..." Lee leaned his elbows on his knees, began to study his fingers. After allowing several minutes to pass, Amanda gently passed her hand under his arm and placed it in his.
"Let's get over this mountain," she suggested. "Do you want me to start?"
Lee looked at her and smiled slightly in appreciation.
"First off, I think it's great that you wanted to get your cousins just the right gifts, and I really appreciate how you've helped me and the boys celebrate the Christmas season. Today was long and tiring. By the time you got home, I was exhausted. I did get upset about your reaction to the certificates, but it was the apologizing part that really hurt."
"Amanda, I'm sorry," Lee cut in. "That was rude, I know."
"Well... when you said that, I heard Joe talking, not you. It brought back a lot of unpleasant memories of our last Christmas together before the divorce. In fact, it was during that time he was home that I forced myself to admit there was more wrong with our relationship than just him going to Africa. I finally recognized we were broke and probably weren't going to be fixed."
As Lee looked on with concern, Amanda snuggled next to him and related the incident.
"For husbands to wait until the last minute to buy Christmas gifts is nothing unusual, but the way today worked out reminded me too much of awful memories and... " her voice trailed off as she bit her lip.
"And..." Lee urged gently giving her hand a squeeze.
"And I thought I saw the same pattern developing between us that happened to Joe and me. Second marriages only have about a fifty percent chance of working out because the same mistakes tend to be repeated. I don't want that to happen to us," Amanda concluded in a small whisper. "I was scared."
Lee's heart broke as he cradled Amanda in his arms. "Well, now everything makes sense. No wonder you came unglued. You were angry, but you were also right. I have taken your help for granted, and considered my schedule more important than yours. I'm so used to pushing people away or rationalizing my actions, it's become a lifestyle."
Pulling back slightly, he brushed the hair away from her face. "I'm truly sorry, Amanda. You and the boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I want our marriage to work more than anything. If you'll hang in there with me, I promise I'll try to do better." Then he added ruefully, "It might take awhile, though. Tonight taught me there's more hidden under my rock than I'd like to admit."
Amanda looked up and studied his face carefully.
"I heard someone else talking instead of you too." Leaning against the back of the sofa, Lee hesitantly began telling about his sixteenth Christmas.
After he finished, Amanda hugged his arm. "You know, now that I hear this, I realize if I hadn't been so caught up in trying to get the presents out on time, I might have been listening to you closer. Thinking back, you were giving out all sorts of clues I should have picked up on."
Looking his wife squarely in the eye, Lee stated firmly, "First off, I should have been more fair to you. I'm half of this relationship, and you shouldn't have to play charades when trying to talk to me. I've never regretted letting you know anything about my past... only some of the stuff you've had to deal with."
"Well, some things are easier to talk about than others." Amanda shrugged. "Especially when you realize you're not as important to a special person in your life as they are to you."
"That's one thing you don't have to worry about," Lee stated tenderly. "I can't think of anybody more important to me than you."
Amanda smiled and snuggled closer. "Think we can meet in the middle on this one and learn from it for the future."
"Yeah, I think so," Lee agreed willingly. "From now on the only people allowed in our conversations are those whose presence is known and acknowledged by all."
Amanda laughed and hugged him tightly.
Looking at his watch, Lee grimaced. "Well, it's 2:30 in the morning. Any ideas? We have four hours before work and your presentation."
After thinking for a moment, she slyly suggested, "If you'll get the eggnog, I'll turn on the lights and plug in the tree."
Lee grinned. "Sounds like a good start."
As they helped each other off the couch, Amanda looked down at her nightgown. "This thing is pretty hideous, isn't it?" she stated.
"No comment," Lee replied wisely. "The last remark I made about it got me in trouble. However, as a point of information, I will let you know that flannel is a really good cloth to buff wax on cars with. That way if Aunt Ida Mae ever asks, you can honestly say we put it to good use and that I was glad to find out you had it."
Amanda laughed and shook her head. "Well, you won't object then if I take a minute to change into something not quite so... comfortable?"
"Not this boy. Just don't take too long. The only thing I want to be cold tonight is my eggnog."
* * *
Lee surveyed, with pleasure and satisfaction, their den floor strewn with presents and paper. From the hallway came sounds of the boys' remote controlled race cars and from the kitchen the sounds of Amanda and her mother getting Christmas dinner ready.
The past three days had been as happy a Christmas as he could remember. The earlier misunderstandings seemed to underline his and Amanda's desire to become a successful unit instead of separately functioning individuals.
As he began to make some organization out of the mess that lay before him, his father-in-law, Curt, shouted for him to get ready for lunch. Making his way towards the kitchen, he paused long enough to answer the phone.
"Merry Christmas, Lee," Murphy and Sherry chimed in. "How does a family Christmas suit you?"
"Great, thanks. Hey, hold on." Putting his hand over the receiver, he called out to Amanda to join him on the phone.
"Merry Christmas," Amanda greeted. "It's great to hear your voices."
"Well, we thought we'd check up on old Lee here to see how a family Christmas was treating him," Murphy explained. "Wanted to make sure he understood that each year is supposed to be better than the previous one."
"Addison," Lee mumbled under his breath. He should've known Skip would call Murphy.
"Family," Murphy mused. "For better or worse."
"Yeah, I guess so," Lee said sincerely. "They are getting better, Murph. They're getting a lot better."
"Glad to hear it since I've kinda enjoyed them myself," Murphy agreed.
"We also wanted to thank you for the gift certificate," Sherry added. "We got it yesterday and went right to the store and bought the sugar and creamer for our china. It's sitting on our table right now. So far as I'm concerned, we'll have breakfast with you this morning and lunch with you at noon."
"Yeah," Murphy added. "I wanted to buy some gear for our mountain bikes, but after seeing how happy the sugar and creamer made Sherry, I wished I'd done it two years ago. Sometimes meeting in the middle is the best place to be."
As Amanda walked around the corner with the cordless phone to her ear, the Stetsons caught each other's eye and smiled.
"Yep," Lee agreed. "We're learning that the middle can be a veryt woe place to be."