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Lee Stetson stood knee deep in the pile of junk he'd pulled down from the basement closet and wondered how so much stuff could have fit up there in the first place. He also wondered why he hadn't taken the time to organize it when he'd first crammed everything in. Amanda had asked him repeatedly if he wanted her to do it for him, but some hidden remnant of bachelor independence had risen its ugly head and he'd been adamant about taking care of it himself. These were his things after all, and there was a lot of it he hadn't really wanted Amanda to go through, at least not without him being there. Now, months later and with the rest of their new home organized from the move, this was the first time he'd ventured into the depths of this storage area and he was regretting the stand he'd taken.
"It's gotta be here someplace," he muttered to himself as he gazed around at the mess. He was glad Phillip and Jamie were still at school. He didn't want any witnesses to this disaster. He peered up into the closet and found one more box, stuffed so far back on the shelf, he'd nearly missed it. "Aha!" he crowed softly. "That's gotta be the one."
He stretched up to get it, only to find it just out of reach. His fingers brushed against the cardboard, but he couldn't get a firm hold.
"Damn," he cursed softly. Of course it wouldn't be that easy. Not after all the work he'd already gone through.
He glanced around for a likely looking boost and found the box that looked the sturdiest. He shoved it over and tentatively tested it for his weight. It seemed like it would hold, so he went ahead and stepped up.
He smiled at his success. The last carton was right there within easy reach now. Leaning over, he grasped it firmly and pulled it off the shelf. The next instant the top of the box he was standing on gave way and his foot sunk several inches, tilting him off balance. He tried to brace himself with his other foot but the distance to the floor was too great and he stumbled awkwardly, dropping the load in his hands. He landed on his backside at the same time the box hit his foot.
"Owww!" he protested loudly, then cast a guilty look up at the ceiling. The last thing he wanted was to wake Amanda or the baby.
He waited a moment, then breathed out in relief when he heard no sound from upstairs. Good. His clumsy acrobatics had gone unnoticed. He pulled his foot free, then crawled over to examine the contents of this elusive carton.
He opened the cardboard flaps and reverently lifted off the old towel he'd used to cover everything. He felt a silly grin spread across his face as he encountered the mementos of his childhood that he'd carefully stored here for so many years.
On the very top was a brown cowboy hat, complete with the string that let it dangle down your back. He lifted it out and studied it for a moment, reliving the many adventures he remembered from his summers at the ranch. Then he set it aside and returned to the box. Under the hat was a black shoe box. He pulled the lid off and found his collection of arrowheads. There were also a few small rocks, streaked with fools' gold and he chuckled as he recalled when he, Skip, Andy and Murph had gone on their mining expedition, certain they'd struck it rich.
The next item was a small, round tobacco tin. He picked it up and shook it, smiling at the sound it made. He remembered this. He twisted the top off and found the two inch rattle from the snake Uncle Clayton had killed out by the barn. They'd all been scared that day, but none of them as much as Andy, who'd had the misfortune of coming across the bad-tempered reptile when he'd run ahead to open the barn door. Lee shook his head, the memory flashing through his mind of his cousin standing up against the red barn wall, frozen with fear while Skip ran back to the house screaming for help. Lee would never forget the sight of his uncle bursting out the kitchen door, shotgun under his arm, his usually cheery face, set in grim lines of determination. He'd made short work of the snake, but when he'd cut the rattle off and offered it to his son, Andy had declined. He wanted no part of it. Uncle Clayton tossed it aside, but Lee had claimed it. He'd been fascinated by it.
He smiled and set the tin aside. He'd have to show it to Phillip and Jamie sometime. He dug into the box again. There were some postcards and a few photos, but the item he was looking for was on the bottom, underneath everything else. He reached down and grabbed the bulky object, pulling it out. It was wrapped in tissue paper, which he carefully removed. He smiled broadly. Though his fur was a little matted... and there was that small burned spot from one of Andy's sparking radio wires, ol' Paddington looked in pretty good shape for someone who was almost thirty years old.
Lee sat there for some time, just holding the bear. He could remember so clearly the day McCall had shown up and given it to him. He was just a kid... not quite eleven, but the memories were vivid. He could see himself standing in the cave, wishing the world would go away and leave him in peace. By the world, of course, he'd meant his uncle... and the peace he'd wanted to be left in, was the life he'd found with his mother's family on the ranch in New Mexico.
He sighed. It hadn't happened. Not then at least. McCall had found him and talked him into coming back and the peace he'd longed for had proven elusive for him as he grew up. He hadn't found it in college... or in the intelligence game... or with any of the many women he'd dated. No... that sense of belonging and contentment... the security to love and know he was loved in return... that had only come much later... and with someone totally unexpected. He glanced up at the ceiling again and the smile returned to his face as he thought of Amanda.
There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that she loved him completely. If he'd had any before, they would've been dispelled by the ordeal she'd just gone through. He shook his head with amazement and a new respect for women in general and for Amanda especially. Giving birth had to be the hardest thing anyone on this earth could ever do. She'd already been through that twice before... had practically raised her boys... and yet she was willing to go through it all again... for him.
When he thought about it, he figured it was also the toughest thing he'd ever had to do. To stand by, feeling totally helpless, while Amanda had endured wave after wave of pain, with barely a whimper. He'd wanted so badly to make it easier for her, but all he could really do was hold her hand and urging her on with what he hoped had been encouraging words of love and praise.
Then, when it was over, and he was sitting beside her, completely enraptured by the tiny infant they'd created together, he'd felt such an overwhelming warmth fill his entire being. He smiled again at the memory, still able to feel a small part of that glow. He'd never been able to let himself love anyone as much as he loved Amanda, and now he could also feel that same kind of love for little Jenny... his daughter.
He pulled himself back to his present surroundings. He'd found Paddington but he was still sitting in the middle of a world class mess. There was no way he could leave things this way. Heaving a resigned sigh, he laid the bear aside and set to work.
Amanda lay on the bed, not really sleeping, but not quite awake either, enjoying that drowsy limbo that lies somewhere inbetween. She was tired, but it was the best kind of tired she knew. Even in the state she was in, she was still aware of Jenny snuggled in the crook of her arm. She felt herself smile as she could hear her mother's voice in her head, scolding her for letting her babies get "into the habit" of sleeping with her. Amanda knew it went against all the do's and don't's, but she couldn't help it. She loved feeling the warmth of the tiny body... smelling the faint traces of talcum and baby shampoo... hearing the little noises a baby made... listening to her daughter breath. Though the bassinet was only a few feet away, when Jenny was in it, Amanda missed her.
She sighed and the action moved her closer to wakefulness. More aware, her thoughts wandered absently in the direction of her husband and she wondered where Lee was and what he was up to. Thinking of Lee brought her fully awake and she smiled again as she opened her eyes to gaze down on her daughter... their daughter... Lee's daughter.
She remembered clearly the look in her husband's eyes as he held the baby for the first time. She'd felt tears of joy running down her face as he brought their child over from where the nurses had cleaned her and warmed her. She'd never seen Lee look so overwhelmed with emotion. He'd been nearly speechless as he handed Jenny to her, then sat there, entranced, while Amanda gave their daughter her first feeding. It hadn't lasted long. The baby wasn't really interested yet. She quickly fell asleep, then the nurse had whisked her off to the nursery for the battery of tests a newborn was subjected to.
After the baby was gone, Lee had leaned down and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Amanda." Then he'd tenderly kissed her forehead. She'd seen tears there in his eyes as well.
Just remembering threatened to bring all the emotions welling up again and she wiped at her eyes then chuckled to herself. She knew she'd be on a roller coaster for a while until her hormones leveled off. Although it had been nearly fifteen years since she'd had a baby, she could certainly remember how emotional the whole process was.
She heard Jenny starting to fuss and she turned to her daughter.
"Are you awake now, Sweetie Pie? Probably hungry again, hmmm?"
As if in answer, Jenny's cries became more insistent. With a minimum of movement, Amanda soon had the baby situated so she could eat, exhilarating in this closeness as well. There was such a short amount of time a mother could just lie here and enjoy her baby. All too soon, other demands would cut short some of this kind of bonding and Amanda meant to savor it while she could.
She lay there, listening to the small gulping sounds Jenny made and she smiled at the voraciousness of her daughter's appetite. For such a tiny thing, she certainly ate a lot. After a time, she felt the drowsiness return and she let herself drift off, absolutely content.
Lee stood upright and wiped at the sweat on his brow. The room was finally back to its original state... with the closet once more filled to the brim. Well... he'd really have to get in here and organize some day.
He picked up Paddington but then looked down at himself. He was filthy and his shirt stuck to him. He rolled his eyes and supposed he'd better shower down here in the guest room so he wouldn't bother Amanda.
He grabbed a towel from the linen closet and then realized all his clean clothes would be upstairs. He thought a moment, then remembered Amanda had stashed spare robes down here for guests. That detail taken care of, he headed for the bathroom. He showered quickly, dried off and slipped on the terry robe. He ran a comb through his hair, then made sure the bathroom was straightened up.
He scooped up the bear and was just about to head upstairs, when he glanced at the clock. It was already 1:00. Amanda hadn't had any lunch yet. He put Paddington down one more time and set about to whip up a something. In another few minutes, he had a tray laden with soup and sandwiches for two, along with a little salad he'd thrown together on the side. He stuffed the bear under his arm, picked up the tray and finally headed upstairs.
"Amanda?" he called softly as he entered their bedroom.
When he didn't get any answer, he set the tray on the foot of the bed, lay Paddington on the floor, out of sight, and came over to sit down on the edge next to where his wife lay asleep on her side. He gazed down on her, her face relaxed, a slight smile lingering there. The front of her nightgown was open and it was obvious she'd been nursing the baby. Jenny lay beside her mother, asleep as well, milk dribbled down her chin. Lee smiled and reached into the bassinet for a cloth diaper and lovingly wiped his daughter's mouth. He turned back to Amanda. She looked so beautiful that he impulsively reached out a hand to brush his fingers down her cheek, letting them caress the soft skin of her neck and shoulders. Amanda stirred and opened her eyes. When she saw him there, she smiled.
"Hi, Sweetheart," she greeted sleepily, then stretched, careful to avoid disturbing the baby.
"Hi, yourself," he answered. "How you doing? I brought up some lunch if you're hungry."
"Hmmm... it smells wonderful," Amanda told him them frowned at him. "You don't have to go to all this trouble, you know. I'm perfectly able to walk down the stairs and eat my lunch at the table."
Lee laughed lightly. "I know you are. But you deserve a little pampering after everything you went through."
Amanda smiled at his thoughtfulness. "Okay. I'll consider myself a princess for the day."
Lee laughed again and shook his head. "I'm afraid that title's already taken," he informed her. He reached down and took one of Jenny's tiny fists into his own hand. "This little lady is going to be the princess of the house," he stated.
"Oh, I'm sure of that," Amanda replied with a knowing smile. "I know she already has at least one adoring subject."
Lee smiled self-consciously. "I can't help myself. She's cast a spell on me and I'm totally smitten. There's only one lady I love better." Lee glanced up to meet Amanda's eyes. "Her mother." He leaned forward to kiss her lightly. "That means you're the queen, you know."
Amanda chuckled. "Does that mean you're my adoring subject as well?"
"Of course it does," Lee answered, then inclined his head in a slight bow. "Your wish is my command, my Lady."
"Then my wish is to start in on that lunch before it gets cold."
Lee laughed and stood up to and tenderly take the sleeping baby so Amanda could sit up. He held her close for a moment, then placed her carefully in her bassinet. He then moved over to retrieve the tray, settling down beside Amanda and placing the tray on her lap.
"Here you are, your highness. Lunch for two."
Amanda had already started to eat but she did manage to spare him a glance. She paused and regarded him curiously, as if she'd just noticed something.
"What's wrong?" Lee asked.
Amanda reached out and tugged on the sleeve of the robe. "What are you doing in this?" she asked, then tried to hide a smile. "The color's all wrong for you."
Lee glanced down at himself, only just now realizing the robe was a pale lavender. In his haste, he must have grabbed the wrong one. He sighed, then turned to Amanda and grinned. "I don't know... I kind of like it." She laughed and playfully jabbed his ribs. Lee shook his head. "No... really, I needed to clean up and I didn't want to bother you or wake up the baby. I didn't have any clothes downstairs though."
"Oh, Lee..." Amanda scolded. "You don't have to tip toe around the house. Jenny has to get used to people and noise. Besides, do you seriously think Phillip or Jamie will be able to stay quiet for long?"
Lee rolled his eyes. He didn't think there'd been a morning yet, where the boys hadn't been the first ones up and let the rest of the house know it. He chuckled. "Well, I figured you were probably sleeping and I know you needed to rest."
Amanda leaned over and kissed his cheek. "That was very thoughtful of you," she told him.
Lee flushed at the compliment and returned to his lunch. They shared the rest of the meal in an easy silence, content to merely be in each other's company. After they were done, Lee moved the tray out of their way and he put his arm around Amanda and pulled her close. As she settled contentedly against him, he knew this was going to be a rare moment. Amanda had warned him repeatedly how much a baby disrupted a couple's private life. He hadn't been sure how he felt about that. He treasured his time alone with Amanda and wondered if he would resent having to share her. At the moment though, he didn't mind at all. He supposed he might go through that later, when some of the novelty wore off, but for right now he was content. Jenny was asleep and he was able to just sit here and hold Amanda... feeling her arms encircling him.
As if she knew she was interrupting, Jenny chose that moment to wake up. Lee could hear her soft sounds of discontent that would surely lead to a more noisy demonstration if she weren't attended to. Amanda automatically started for her, but Lee held up a hand.
"My turn," he announced and crawled over Amanda to get to the side of the bed. He perched on the edge and peered into the bassinet. Jenny was awake and her hands were moving in the air. Lee smiled down at her and touched one of those flailing fists with his finger. Automatically, the baby's tiny fingers closed over Lee's bigger one. His smile broadened at the strength of her grasp, but she wasn't happy with this and her fussing increased.
"Okay, okay, little one," Lee cooed and reached down to pick her up. It was still amazing to him how small she was. It was as if she weighed nothing in his arms. He cuddled her for a moment and she grew quiet, content to suck on one of her fists that had managed to find its way to her mouth.
Lee watched her then grew aware that Amanda was sitting beside him, smiling at him. He turned to her. "I never would have believed it," he whispered.
"Believed what?" Amanda asked softly, slipping her hand through the crook of his elbow and leaning her chin on his shoulder.
"How fast you can love them," he told her, still amazed at the truth of it. "I mean... we've only had her for two days and already I can't think of a life without her."
He felt Amanda squeeze his arm lovingly. "Just remember this day," she advised him tenderly, "when she keeps you up all night because she's sick or teething... or out on a date."
Lee blinked at that and gave Amanda an incredulous look. Then he saw the twinkle in her eyes and knew she was teasing him. He let himself smile as he shook his head. "I don't know about the dating part," he began. "I do know that right now we've got her all to ourselves. Which reminds me..." He held her out for Amanda to take. "I've got something here for our little princess."
He stood up and walked over to the other side of the bed to retrieve Paddington. As he came back around he could see Amanda was watching him curiously. He didn't say anything until he sat back down beside her. He stared at the bear for a few moments then he took a deep breath.
"You know I don't have a lot of stuff from when I was a kid," he began self-consciously. He felt Amanda put a supportive hand on his knee and he smiled gratefully at her. "When we first found out about Jenny here, I kept trying to think of what I could give her... something special from me."
"You gave her life, Lee," Amanda pointed out lovingly.
Lee shrugged. "I know... but a kid doesn't think about that. They just take that for granted. I wanted something else... something she could keep." He felt his face turning red as he grew more personal. "I can't tell you how many times I wished I had something from my parents... some little thing I could hold in my hand and remember them." He shrugged again. "I guess the Colonel didn't believe in a lot of trappings. When he came to get me, he wouldn't let me take anything with me. The only thing I had was a little photograph. I carried that around so much it was practically worn out."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Then he turned to Amanda and gave her a soft smile as he held out the bear for her to take. "This is the only thing I could think of that meant anything." He watched as she held it reverently in one hand, holding Jenny in the other. "McCall gave it to me that first summer I was at the ranch. He knew my mother and father and I... " He paused and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Anyway, this was a link to my past. The Colonel would've had a fit if he knew, so I left it at the ranch. Grandma Michaels kept it for me until she died. Then Aunt Katie gave it to me." He smiled self-consciously. "I hung on to it... kept it packed away. Now I want Jenny to have it."
"Oh, Lee," Amanda breathed quietly.
"I know it isn't new," Lee explained hastily. "So if you don't want to put it in her crib or anything, I'll understand."
"Lee, this is wonderful," Amanda told him, still gazing down at the bear. After a moment she turned to look up at him. "Are you sure you want to give this up?"
Lee smiled. "I'm not giving it up, Amanda. I'm passing it on."
Amanda leaned her head against his shoulder and he put his arm around her, bringing her and the baby closer. He gazed down at the bear in Amanda's hand and absently noted the tag attached to it's coat. The words were faded but he knew them by heart anyway. "Please look after this bear." He smiled. As a kid he'd felt a lot like Paddington... alone and lost and looking for someone to take care of him. Amanda had been the one. She'd seen through all his bluffs and bravado and found that lost little kid and taken him into her heart. He hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Amanda glanced up at him. "For what?"
He knew he'd never be able to put it all into words so he just smiled. "For everything."