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The purpose of this Glossary is to explain any obscure reference to characters or shows present in some of the stories in this zine. Some people insist on using names referred to in stories not present or like to use characters from old and new television shows no one has ever heard of... or is ever likely to outside of this zine.
ALASKAN SNOW VAMPIRE: This is an apocryphal form of vampire found only in Alaska. This particular type of vampire can change into a seal or lemming and hibernates in unmelted snow banks (or ice cube trays when the latter is not available) during the 24 hour daylight of summer.
ANOTHER WORLD: For those unfamiliar with daytime soaps, Another World is a long-running NBC show. NBC doesn't have the slightest qualms about pre-empting this show when covering "special breaking news" (all those who don't think O.J. qualifies for this category raise your hands and we'll send a count to the powers that be immediately), which is the bane of a couple of our authors. Cass and Frankie are one of the romantic couples on the show (Cass being the "he" and Frankie being the "she" just to confuse everyone). Maura keeps extolling what serious, dramatic story lines they do for these two. Of course, the days I have been home sick and decided to see what Maura and Jill do with their spare time, I have seen Cass (remember the "he") go into labor in a bathtub in his living room and also in a very fine looking dress. Yes, of course, Maura... serious, dramatic, well-written tv at it's best! ;-)
APOCRYPHAL COUSINS: These are relatives actually included in the family tree but are a bit on the extra-ordinary side, almost along the lines of Addams Family. (Please see She-Wolf of London and Love & Curses.) Stories in this section may or may not be reflected in the reality of the rest of the zine. Editor's choice.
However, I have a few words to say on this subject. Democracy is not alive and well in Orange County, California. I am of the opinion my story belongs in the "real" section, and so does everyone who's been poled to this date. The only one who thinks it belongs here is Jill who, unfortunately for me, formats this zine and has the laser printer. This is tyranny! Tyranny I say! As one of the objections, I have pointed out that we have a man "leaping" into other people's bodies/lives in other times, but Jill keeps babbling about how this is based in science -- I'm calling for a reality check right about now! Okay? Please send in your votes as soon as possible!
Thank you for your support!
BETHIE: (If you think I'm annoyed by my being dumped in the Apocryphal section, just wait...)
Bethie is a character from a Battlestar: Galactica story called "A Quiet Whisper" by Jill. She was a poor sad child befriended by Starbuck. She was stuck in a hole and died.
Now this is were I'm supposed to say she has never seen the light of zine, nor ever will. But I can't anymore because Jill decided we had to do a BSG zine this year. She decided it was important so, willy nilly, without regard for me and my glossary, she's messed with TRADITION so completely and thoroughly, I'll never get over it. This is going to require years of soul-searching before I can resume my everyday life without the trauma of this being a constant memory.
She has always been in any Glossary we have ever done, she is supposed to be in any glossary we are currently doing, and she should be in any glossary in the future... but I don't really see any reason for this now that she's been published. However, you won't see me messing around with tradition. I'm above that kind of behavior!
CAITLIN: Caitlin is a character created by Annita Smith and she seems to have been taken over by everyone else. She first appeared in an Equalizer story called "Trial by Existence" (published by Mary Wardell in Primetime 4). She's RemRem's sister and Andy's wife. She's had a very hard life. She started out as a hooker but ended up as the new matriarch of a large family.
THE "COLONEL": The "Colonel" is Lee's uncle. First season Scarecrow & Mrs. King referred to him only by this name. Second season they gave him a face and a last name. It was not Stetson, which would have made him Lee's mother's brother. Unfortunately, SMK was never very big on continuity. The "Colonel" was a red-necked career military sort and Lee's mother (from fourth season) was a proper British lady. We believe the contradictions cancel each other and choose to go the way of Reunion and subsequent stories written before (and since) the SMK writers messed with their own storyline. So... Colonel Stetson is Lee's father's brother and Jenny Michaels is from Santa Fe, New Mexico. (See "Continuity.")
CONTINUITY: Hah! What continuity! Were you aware that television shows actually hire people who are supposed to pay attention to this kind of thing. Let's talk Quantum Leap! Let's talk Scarecrow & Mrs. King! Let's talk Lois & Clark (Oh, wait, maybe we'd best not, I have to finish this glossary before morning...)! Relativity pretty much tries to keep consistent with its own continuity. Sometimes following our own additions to people's lives established before the shows added new background to their own characters and sometimes choosing one fact over another when the shows conflict with themselves. I like to think we're actually a little bit better than TPTB (the powers that be)... maybe, maybe not.
DESCOINE: Major Descoine was a loony toon villain from Remington Steele. He blamed Rem for his beloved Lily's suicide... only Mr. Steele really didn't exist when this happened. Descoine tried to exact his revenge later when "Harry" had taken over the role and tried to kill him, causing lots of problems because Mr. Steele didn't know what the blazes was going on. They solved the case, the villain was locked up but his daughter, Minor (not kidding) Descoine, showed up to exact revenge for her father being locked up... never ending family feud type of thing going on. Descoine is the bane of the Steeles' existence, but... oh, wait, read the stories, then you'll know!
GEORGE FOX: George Fox is the Federal agent who was trying to capture Paul Forrester and Scott Hayden in the series Starman. George was convinced that the alien was there to conquer our world and he was getting a little bit more wacko as the show went along. Poor George finally went off the deep end after so many years of not capturing the alien, he's totally certifiable now. Hangar 11 was established in Starman and the events are pretty much spelled out in "By The Light of the Moon" and Bureau 39 was established in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman with Jason Trask as the nutcase who operated that UFO collection before his death.
GOUSH: "Goushe" is a word that needs to be understood to appreciate Jill's (and others) stories. A "Gougch" is a word that has no correct spelling. It is a story with a character being incredibly noble while overcoming extreme obstacles and being a poor sad baby, all at the same time. It can entail a certain amount of hurt/comfort (emotional or physical) but is to an extreme degree. Murphy is a prime example of this. We all think of him as a "Gooshe" though nothing in Remington Steele suggests this kind of a background (actually nothing in RS gives him much of a background at all) but Jill has taken care of this. His mother left him when he was young, his father withdrew from him because of this, his brother was a bully, he was stuck in a cave when he was a child (see "Bethie," sticking people in holes is a theme Jill absolutely loves) and as an adult, he now has a very bad limp which constantly gets in the way, etc. Jill is the Queen of "Goush."
INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Anne Rice's book was recently brought to screen (you'd have to be living under a rock not to know this actually) and Robin became re-enamored with the whole vampire scene (I hate people who are obsessed, don't you? Oh, and Jill, you may not refer our good readers down to my L&C section as an example of this type of behavior!). Louie and Lestate are from here. Pretty self-explanatory actually!
LEE'S PARENTS: See "The Colonel" and "Continuity" for greater detail. We're sticking with Jill's version of their death (auto accident in Japan) rather than killed as agents and then framed as traitors. If the show is followed, it brings up that whole thing about the red-neck and the Brit and we prefer our universe anyway!
LINDA TAYLOR: Linda Taylor was a character established in WKRP in Cinci. She and Andy had been an item back in Santa Fe, but then she left him to become a star. She came back into Andy's life years later when he was working at WKRP and wanted him to leave with her. But Andy soon realized he would never be her real love, her career was the most important thing to her, and he chose to remain behind
MARTHAS AND CLARKS (AND PLEASE DON'T SAY IT... CONTINUITY): In Relativity 1 it was established that the Michaels family's neighbors were the Clarks and Mrs. Clark's first name was Martha. Well, trying to figure out how to get Clark Kent into the family (or at least the zine), I remembered from my old S-man comics that my, er, our hero was named after his mother's maiden name "Clark." Okay, so if Jill wouldn't let me have CK actually be related to the Michaels, he had to be someone's relative (adopted or not, he's there). Unfortunately the only name (besides Rainbow's) established from this family was "Martha," but it's not a real big deal since it works that she's actually Martha Kent's sister-in-law. Ta-da!
Continuity with the show -- the story's been in my tiny little mind for months and months (and only recently starring on my computer terminal) so, not knowing precisely what will happen in the next few weeks (yes it's May right now), I've chosen to keep and ignore certain things going on. I've incorporated their "almost date" and their "first real kiss" but I deliberately ignored Mr. Scardino. I feel he was a bad plot device on the part of the writers to begin with and I choose not to continue it. So there! :-P
MURPHY'S LEG: We have yet to have a Relativity issue that doesn't require explanation of Murph's leg (I get to be one of the guilty this year). Fans of first season RS may not remember Murphy Michaels having a limp in the show. He didn't. Jill gave it to him after he almost died in a cave in "Will You Steele Need Me?" published in Steele Files I. Jill has this "thing" against Murphy and she damages him at any and every given opportunity. Hurt/Comfort... we love it!
NORTHERN EXPOSURE: This show is so main stream (quirky or not) that I don't really think an explanation is necessary. If you do need some help here, please feel free to write and I'll be glad to into detail.
PECOS BILL: Pecos Bill was a stray dog found by Andy Travis and his beloved Linda Taylor. After she left for the life of a music star, he was basically all Andy had left to remind him of her.
SHE-WOLF OF LONDON/LOVE & CURSES: She-Wolf of London is a bizarre British series. Randi Wallace (Michaels) was attacked by a werewolf on the Moors of England and, thereafter, proceeded to get a little hairy and ornery during full moons. Luckily her mythology professor, Ian Matheson, was usually available to shackle her up whenever necessary (but not quite always). About halfway through the series's run, it changed location to Malibu, California. A romance developed between Randi and Ian. Unfortunately, to their utter frustration, they discovered the full moon wasn't the only thing that could transform Randi. Great series!
RAGS TO RICHES: Rags to Riches was a short-lived NBC series set in the 1960's. Joe Bologna placed a millionaire bachelor who ended up taking in 5 orphan girls. (Note: They started out with 6, but lost one after the pilot. She was played by Heather McAdams who also played orphan Michelle on Salvage-1.) The format was that of a movie musical. At major plot points, the music would swell and the girls would break out into song and dance. The show was a lot of fun.