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Lee Stetson felt his jaw automatically tighten as he turned the minivan into the driveway of the old, Colonial style house. It was dumb, he knew, but even after all these years he couldn't keep that small knot from forming in his stomach and his teeth from grinding at the prospect of a visit with his uncle. Even though he'd managed to get past some of his youthful hostility towards the man, being in his company for extended periods of time was still a strain. But he also knew he couldn't exactly refuse to spend Thanksgiving with the old man. Amanda would never speak to him again.
He glanced over at his wife as he pulled to a stop and shut off the engine. She was turned around making sure Matthew had his jacket zipped up against the chill of the Maryland fall. Their son would be eight years old in just a few days and was already protesting what he considered babying from his mother.
"Aw, Mom," he grumbled. "It's not that cold."
Lee almost succeeded in hiding the smile on his face as he turned toward the back. "Do what your mother says, Son," he reproved gently. Matthew shot him a look that was obviously an accusal of manly betrayal but he sighed and reluctantly zipped up.
Jenny, more sedate at nine and a half, was already in her coat and hat and looked over at her brother in lady-like disdain. She reached over to open the heavy sliding door and then squealed with delight, her maturity vanishing as she spotted the Colonel.
"Uncle Charles!" she cried and hopped down out of the van. Excited, Matthew followed on her heels, his own voice adding to the noisy greeting.
Lee watched in wonder as his children ran to greet their great uncle with such obvious enthusiasm... and even more so as the Colonel, still fit and spry at seventy-eight, bent down to grab them up in a big bear hug. It happened every time they came and every time, Lee still was amazed. This couldn't be the same man who had raised him.
Orphaned at four years old and looking for comfort and security, Lee had found in Colonel Charles Stetson only cold detachment. He'd been raised with strict military decorum. Men didn't hug, men didn't cry. And men certainly didn't cut loose and play with their nephews... or even their great-nephews.
Lee was brought back to the present when he felt Amanda's hand rest lightly on his leg. He drew his attention back inside the van and turned to meet her understanding eyes. She knew him too well at times.
"Come on, Stetson," she said with a smile. "Let's go on in." He managed a slight grimace, which only got him a look from his wife. "He's an old man," she reminded him, her voice only slightly reproachful. "Try and be civil, okay?"
Lee repressed the sigh that wanted to come out, nodding agreement instead. For Amanda's sake he would try his best... as hard as that was. He pocketed his keys and got out of the van, heading around to the back to start pulling out their suitcases. As he did so he watched as Amanda rushed up to greet the Colonel. The old man planted an affectionate kiss on her cheek, then they all walked over towards Lee to help him unload.
"Good to see you, Lee." His uncle's voice was neutral, his greeting sounding more like a mandatory comment, as he held out his hand. Lee took it and they shook briefly, even that feeling like a required duty.
"You too, Sir," Lee replied evenly.
"I see you decided to take me up on my offer to stay the night," the Colonel observed, his tone slightly triumphant, as if he'd won a argument..
"Yes we did." Amanda smoothly stepped in to avoid any awkward moments. Lee just clenched his teeth together and nodded silently. It still made no sense to him to spend the night here in Annapolis when they lived less than an hour away. But it had been important to Amanda and Lee had reluctantly agreed. "I just love spending holidays with family," Amanda was going on. She had given each of the kids their own bag to carry, leaving Lee to cart in their shared suitcase, while she picked up her travel bag. "That way we don't have to rush home as soon as we eat dinner. We can stay and take our time and visit."
Lee kept himself from rolling his eyes. That was exactly what he didn't want to do. Eat and run would have suited him better, but he knew Amanda and the kids enjoyed visiting here so he resigned himself to putting up with the cold looks and impersonal questions he always got from his uncle. He was well accustomed to them anyway. It was all that had ever passed between them for as long as Lee could remember. He took comfort in the fact that Amanda knew how he felt and would as usual, act as a buffer between the Colonel and himself.
"Well, come on in, everyone," the Colonel invited. "Camille's got your rooms ready."
"The one with the fireplace?" Jenny asked, her eyes lighting up. The Colonel nodded and Jenny grabbed her brother's arm. "C'mon Matt," she urged. "Let's go." The two children raced ahead to the house.
Amanda slipped her hand through the Colonel's arm and the two of them walked up the lawn at a more dignified pace. Taking up the suitcases, Lee followed after them. As he neared the front door, he let his gaze wonder over the large house, still not sure why the Colonel had bought such a big place for his retirement. He'd never married and Lee was his only family. The only other person who lived here was Camille, the live-in housekeeper, cook and all around caretaker of the place.
He felt a sudden stab of guilt that maybe his uncle had hoped he would come more often. He knew the Colonel thoroughly enjoyed seeing Amanda and the kids. He also knew his wife had been bringing Jenny and Matt out here since they were small, most of the time without Lee. He hadn't minded, not in the least. He knew Amanda was keen on family and if she wanted to nurture the friendship she'd struck up with the old man, he wasn't going to interfere. The kids seemed to love it too. They had no grandparents on Lee's side and Amanda's mother, even though she was getting on in years, still managed to travel a lot with her adventurous husband. The Colonel had seemed more than willing to step in and fill that role in their lives.
Lee sighed as he entered the old house, his nose at once assailed with delicious smelling aromas of the meal Camille was preparing for their Thanksgiving dinner. His stomach growled in anticipation. It wouldn't hurt, he supposed, to go with the flow and try and enjoy the day. He'd done it before. He supposed he could do it again.
* * *
The dinner was magnificent. Amanda had to admit, as she took another bite of turkey and dressing, she was just as glad she hadn't had to prepare it. Thanksgiving dinners always seemed to taste better when somebody else did all the work. This one was made even better by the fact that Lee at last appeared to have gotten past some of his anxieties about being in his uncle's house. He was asking for seconds as eagerly as the kids, the lines of tension gone from his face. For a while at least, Amanda could relax and not worry about him.
"This is wonderful," she praised Camille, who sat at the opposite end of the table from the Colonel. In her early sixties, she'd been a part of his household now for the last ten years. Her own husband was dead and her only son was half-way around the world, working for the State Department in Europe somewhere.
The small, plump woman beamed at Amanda. "I'm just glad to have more people to cook for."
Amanda caught Lee's slight pause at the comment, but he chose to let it pass. She was just as glad. She wished things could be easier between the two Stetson men, but she couldn't really blame Lee for the way he felt. She knew their history and knew very well why Lee felt at odds with his uncle. She also knew pushing wouldn't help anything. This wedge had been sturdily in place long before she'd ever met Lee and if they were ever going to overcome it, they would have to do it themselves. She'd had long talks with Sherry about it, especially when she and Lee had first been married. She knew Sherry had been in much the same situation with Murphy and his father and that had seemed to finally work itself out. Sherry had advised her to be patient and not give up hope. Sometimes the totally unexpected could happen and turn people around. Until then, pestering Lee about it would only push him further away.
So for now, Amanda was just glad they were all here together. She glanced across the table at her youngest children. Jenny was telling Camille all about her latest ballet recital, her face glowing as she recounted it. Amanda smiled. Her daughter was fast becomming a young lady. Her hair, which had recently darkened a bit from it's baby gold, was pulled back off her face with a silvery head band. Her blue eyes danced merrily as she laughed about some of her mistakes. Amanda had to admit that Jenny was going to be a beauty.
Beside his sister, Matthew was too involved in his dinner to be worried about conversation. Amanda smiled as she watched him diving into his mashed potatoes. He was still young enough that his main concern in life was getting as dirty as he could. Amanda treasured moments like this, where he stayed cleaned up for longer than five minutes. Looking at him now, she could see so much of Lee in his face, his bright blue eyes and his thick head of light brown hair. She remembered the Thanksgiving nearly eight years ago to the day, when Lee had delivered their son. At the time it had been a terribly frightening prospect, to have the baby at home under the conditions they'd been in, but when she thought back on it now, all she could remember was how wonderful it was to have Lee bring little Matt into the world. This holiday would always be dear to her for that reason.
She only wished Phillip and Jamie could be here with them. Though both of her older boys were fully grown and on their own, they were still her children. At twenty-six, Phillip was blossoming in his career with the C.I.A. Amanda hadn't been too happy about her firstborn's choice in the beginning, but he wasn't working out in the field as she'd feared. Maybe it was all the Jack Ryan books he'd read, but Phillip was showing terrific ability as an analyst, a fact that made Amanda much happier. He and Michelle lived close by in Baltimore but had flown out to California to spend some time with Skip and Melanie and the boys. Michelle had just found out that she and Phillip were going to have a baby and they wanted to make this visit before she became too encumbered by her pregnancy. Amanda still marveled at the thought that she was going to be a grandmother. It didn't seem to fit somehow that she could have young children at home and still become a grandma.
Jamie, twenty-four now, had just finished up his masters degree in engineering. He'd decided to spend the holiday with Joe and Carrie and Amanda knew it had a lot to do with wanting to introduce his father to his new girlfriend. Amanda smiled inwardly at that. She knew Jamie was a bit of a loner and meeting girls came harder to him than it ever had for Phillip who was naturally more gregarious. She hoped things worked out for her son.
She sighed happily, full to the brim. She really couldn't complain about the way her life had turned out. She glanced at Lee once more. He too had pushed away his plate and was now sitting back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face. This time her smile was visible as she studied her husband. When they were first married she'd been pretty anxious about how he would adapt to domestic life. All those concerns had long ago been laid to rest. After some natural adjustments, Lee had taken to marriage like he'd never been a bachelor. He was a thoughtful and caring husband and a loving father. Of course they still had moments of disagreement, but those were usually short lived.
"You outdid yourself, Camille," Colonel Stetson pronounced with a smile for his housekeeper. "A far cry from those days in the mess halls, eh, Lee?" The smile had left his face as he addressed his nephew and the tone in his voice was sharper, as if requesting a report.
Amanda felt all the tension rush back in force as she glanced over at Lee for his reaction. She had to give him credit. The effort it took for him to keep a calm tone must have been tremendous. She reached for his hand under the table and was reassured by the squeeze he gave her. He actually smiled at his uncle.
"It certainly is, Sir," he replied, with only the barest twitch of his jawline. "Too bad we didn't have Camille with us then."
The Colonel sat back in his chair and gave his head a slow shake. "The army sure could have used her."
Amanda knew Lee's opinion on a few other things the army could have used, but he didn't say anything. Instead he scooted away from the table.
"If you'll all excuse me," he began in a casual tone. "I want to catch the last quarter of the game."
"Go right ahead." The Colonel waved him on. "I'm sure we'll all be in there shortly."
Lee nodded and disappeared out of the dining room. Amanda watched him go and tried to hide her concern. She recognized an escape when she saw it.
"Anybody for dessert?" Camille asked and Amanda turned her attention back to the room.
"Oh, not right now," she protested. "You've already stuffed us to the gills."
The Colonel slapped at his stomach. "I think we'll wait on that, Camille," he laughed. "We have to wait till there's room again."
"I'm so full I could bust," Matt exclaimed, puffing out his cheeks to demonstrate.
"No busting at the table," Amanda warned with a chuckle. "Why don't you two go on out with your dad, while Camille and I clean up."
"Okay, Mom," Jenny agreed, only too willing to leave since chores had been brought up. She slipped out of her chair and made to go, but stopped at the look Amanda gave her. She knew what was required and she glanced down at her plate. With a resigned sigh she picked up her dirty dishes and marched out into the kitchen.
"You too, young man," Amanda prompted as Matt made to run toward the living room. He stopped and made a face of protest, but nevertheless did as he was asked.
"You certainly have two fine youngsters," Camille observed with a smile.
"Of course she does," Colonel Stetson put in. "They're Stetsons."
Amanda smiled then got up to help Camille clear away the rest of the dishes. The kids had disappeared out of the kitchen before they could be put to any further work, which was fine anyway. At least they weren't underfoot. On one of her trips back to the dining room for another load, she noticed the Colonel had left as well, most likely to head to the living room to watch the game with Lee. Amanda sighed again. Maybe this time they would find something to say to each other.
* * *
Lee sat in the comfortable recliner, watching the game distractedly. It wasn't very close and therefore not very interesting. He found it hard to concentrate. He yawned widely, already regretting the amount of dinner he'd put away. It was going to be a tough battle to stay awake the rest of the evening.
Amanda was still in the kitchen helping Camille, despite the housekeeper's protests. Lee smiled to himself. That was just Amanda. She couldn't sit around and be a guest without pitching in. The kids had come in and were now occupied with building a fort of some kind out of lincoln logs. Jenny, putting aside her new found femininity, was down on the floor with her brother, deeply involved in the construction. They hadn't been at it long before the Colonel arrived and he was now sitting on a chair beside them, giving them pointers. Lee shook his head at the scene. He didn't even know his uncle knew what lincoln logs were. He certainly hadn't had any around when Lee was that age.
He tried to stifle another yawn and only half succeeded. He was extremely tired and for the first time was actually grateful they were spending the night here. The forty-five minute drive back to Rockville suddenly seemed awfully long.
He hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep until he felt Amanda shake him. Startled, he opened his eyes and sat up.
"I said, why don't you go on up to bed?" Amanda asked him. Evidently she'd had to repeat herself.
Lee rubbed at his eyes and glanced around the room. Camille was sitting in a rocker, doing needlework. The kids were watching something on the television and the Colonel was sitting at the desk engrossed in a chess game. It looked like someone had been playing with him... probably Amanda, Lee decided. She was pretty good at it.
"Sweetheart," Amanda prompted again. "You look beat."
Lee glanced up at the clock. It was only nine but he just couldn't keep his eyes open. He nodded to Amanda and let her give him a hand up out of the chair. She wanted to come up and help him but he waved her off.
"I'm fine. Go on and finish your game." She seemed ready to argue but he flashed her a smile and she relented.
"Okay. Get some rest."
"Goodnight, Lee," the Colonel called distractedly from the game.
"Goodnight, Sir," Lee returned wearily. He turned to climb the stairs and his legs seemed to drag. It was the hardest thing in the world to just make it up to the bedroom. Once there, he pulled off his clothes and fell into bed. In a few moments he was asleep.
* * *
Amanda closed the door to the bedroom quietly, not wanting to disturb Lee. She'd tucked the kids in an hour ago and had bid the Colonel goodnight. He was staying up to catch the news. She leaned against the door for a moment, her eyes closed. She was tired, but it had been a good day for the most part. She enjoyed visiting with Lee's uncle and she knew the older man looked forward to having them come out. She only wished Lee could enjoy these trips more.
She opened her eyes and glanced over at her husband's sleeping form, wondering if he'd really been quite so tired or if coming up to bed had merely been a convenient out for him. She decided not. Lee had definitely appeared worn out as he'd staggered up the stairs. He was certainly deeply asleep right now. He hadn't stirred at her arrival, something he always did no matter how quiet she tried to be. All those years of being a spy, he'd told her once, laughing as he did so. She smiled at the memory, then moved over to get ready for bed.
In a few moments, she was climbing into the double bed, much smaller than their own king size at home, but she didn't mind cuddling up to Lee's warmth. He was curled on his side, his back to her, so she slipped her arm around his waist and settled against his back. She always enjoyed feeling him breathe, listening to his heartbeat. His body's rhythms were soothing to her and she drifted off to sleep contentedly.
She didn't know why she woke up. There might have been a sound or the creak of the bed. Whatever it was, she opened her eyes and automatically felt for Lee beside her. He wasn't there. She sat up groggily and peered at the clock beside the bed. 3:00 am. She lay back down, thinking he must just be in the bathroom but several minutes passed without his return and she started to worry. He'd been so completely done in earlier, she hoped he wasn't coming down with something.
She got up, slipped on her robe against the chill in the room and stepped out into the dark hallway. Sure enough she could see a light under the bathroom door. That must be where he was. She padded down there softly, not wishing to disturb anyone else. When she got there, she raised her hand, meaning to rap softly with her knuckles, but she paused when she heard the unmistakable sounds of someone being sick.
Oh, Lee, she moaned to herself. I was afraid of this. She pushed open the door and walked inside. "Lee, are you..." She stopped in mid-sentence at the sight that greeted her eyes.
Lee sat on the edge of the bathtub, clad in his t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. His arms were wrapped around his stomach and he was bent over slightly, as if adding pressure there might help. His face was pale and Amanda could see the beads of sweat on his forehead. He glanced up at her, obviously embarrassed that she had found him this way.
"My gosh, Lee," Amanda said as she came over to sit beside him. She lay her hand across his forehead but found no fever. If anything, his skin felt cool and a little clammy. "You look terrible. Why didn't you wake me up?"
He shook his head. "Why?" he asked with a slight shrug. "Wasn't much you could do. Guess I kind of overdid it at the table, huh?"
Amanda's brow furled in concern. This was obviously more than a case of over-eating or indigestion. Lee could barely talk to her. His breathing was rapid, almost to the point of hyperventilating. "Can I get you anything?" she asked, wanting to do something, but feeling helpless. It was the same thing she went through when the kids were sick.
Lee shook his head again. "No," he breathed out. "Go back to bed. I'll be fine."
Amanda stayed right where she was. There was no way she'd be able to go back to sleep anyway, even if she did leave, which she had no intention of doing. She reached over and laid a hand on his knee. She could feel him trembling slightly. "How long have you been like this?" she asked.
"Dunno," Lee answered breathlessly. "Hour... maybe."
"An hour?" All Amanda's mothering instincts kicked into gear now. There was no way she could allow her husband to sit here and suffer like this any longer than he already had. "Do you want me to call a doctor?"
Lee somehow managed to chuckle. "What for? So he can tell you I've got the flu?"
"This looks worse than the flu," Amanda observed.
"I'll be okay," Lee assured her again. "You'll see in the morn..." He stopped abruptly and doubled over, clutching at his middle. Amanda could hear the soft groan he made and knew he was trying to hide it from her.
"Lee, this is not just the flu," she stated, her worry making her more assertive with him. "I think I should go wake up the Colonel."
"No!" Lee grabbed her hand as she stood up and pulled her back down. She turned to see the determination in his eyes even under all the pain.
"But, Lee..."
"No," he repeated hotly, then his face softened. "Amanda, do you know what he used to tell me when I got sick?" She shook her head, though she could well imagine. "He told me to be a man about it." Lee snorted derisively. "Made me think I was letting him down somehow by being ill."
Amanda remained silent. She sat there, rubbing Lee's back, wishing she knew how to make him feel better. A few minutes passed, the only sound that of Lee's labored breathing. Then he suddenly grabbed her hand tightly.
"Lee?" she asked in panic.
This time his groan was more audible and he slipped off the tub to end up doubled over on the cold, bathroom tile. Amanda knelt down beside him, holding his shoulders. He looked terrible... his face gone from pale to an ashen gray and she could feel him sweating through his shirt. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut against the pain.
"Lee!" She was more than a little alarmed now. She'd never seen him like this before. Not knowing what else to do, she made up her mind. "I'm getting your uncle," she declared. Lee never responded as she rushed out the door and down the hall.
She stopped at the Colonel's door, feeling a bit timid about intruding, but the image of Lee lying on the floor in such pain, prompted her on. Not that she felt there was much the old man could do, but she figured he could at least look after the kids while she took Lee to the hospital. That's what she'd decided she'd better do. No matter how much Lee protested, she knew he needed to see a doctor. She took a deep breath and knocked on the Colonel's door.
She waited a moment, then knocked again, a little louder. "Colonel?" she called softly. The last thing she wanted was to wake up the kids. "Colonel Stetson?"
"Hold on, I'm coming," came the muffled reply. Amanda waited impatiently until the door was opened. The Colonel stood there, wearing a hastily thrown on robe, his white hair in disarray. He'd looked annoyed at first but when he saw Amanda standing there, his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Amanda? What's wrong? Is it the kids?"
"Oh no, Sir. It's Lee."
"Lee?"
"Yes, Sir. I'm afraid he's awfully sick. I think I better take him to a hospital and..." The Colonel ducked past her and strode quickly down the hall to the bathroom. She ran after him, amazed at how fast he could still move.
When she got there, she stood in the doorway and watched silently as Colonel Stetson knelt down beside his nephew. Lee hadn't moved from where Amanda left him.
"Lee?" Colonel Stetson was saying with more gentleness than Amanda would've credited him. "Lee, boy. Tell us where the pain is."
Lee's face was screwed up tightly. "My gut," he gasped out. "Won't ease up."
Amanda bit her lip at her husband's obvious agony. "He said he's been like this for over an hour," she added. "I think he should see a doctor."
The colonel nodded his head. "We can take him in my car. It'll be easier than trying to get him in and out of your van."
"We?" Amanda echoed. "I thought I would..."
But the Colonel had taken over and was all business. "You stay with Lee. I'll let Camille know what's happening. She can stay with the kids."
With that he was out the door before Amanda could say anything. Trying to collect herself, she rushed back to her room to throw on some clothes and to grab a robe and slippers for Lee. It would be cold outside this time of night. She ran back with them to the bathroom and knelt down beside Lee.
"Here, Sweetheart," she told him softly, as she lay the robe across his shoulders. "We're going to take you to the ER."
Lee didn't argue. He merely nodded his head once. That in itself told Amanda volumes about just how badly he did feel. Her husband hated doctors and hospitals and anything connected with them. For him to agree so easily was not a good sign.
The colonel returned in a few minutes, fully dressed, a worried Camille hovering in the rear. He came into the bathroom and reached down to take Lee by the shoulder.
"You're going to have to stand up now, boy," he told his nephew firmly. "Amanda and I can help you walk but we can't carry you out to the car. You're going to have to help us."
Amanda cringed at the harshness of his voice, but it seemed to have the right effect on Lee. He lifted his head and began trying to get his legs under him. Amanda tried to support him on his other side.
It was a struggle, and obviously agonizing for Lee to be upright, but between his own efforts and the support of the Colonel and Amanda, they managed to make their way down the stairs and outside. Camille was darting about the whole time, opening doors for them and trying to clear the way of any obstacles.
Amanda saw the large sedan in the driveway next to the van. It hadn't been there earlier. The Colonel must've pulled it out of the garage. The door was open and they brought Lee over and eased him into the roomy, back seat.
"I didn't know you had a car, Colonel," Amanda told him in surprise as she walked around to the other side.
He gave her a tight smile. "I haven't lost that yet," he assured her. "I can still drive with the best of them."
Amanda returned his smile and climbed in, taking Lee's head into her lap. The Colonel slid in behind the wheel and started up the engine. Camille was standing beside them in the driveway, wringing her hands. Amanda rolled down her window.
"We'll call," she promised. "As soon as we know something. Hopefully we'll be home before the kids wake up."
"Don't worry about them" Camille called as they pulled out of the driveway. "I'll take good care of them."
Amanda waved then rolled her window back up. She glanced down at Lee. He'd curled up into that fetal position he'd been in before, his knees drawn up against his stomach. His eyes were closed, but he was awake. He didn't talk, but Amanda could hear his frequent groans. Feeling helpless, she sat there, one hand on his arm, the other stroking his forehead soothingly and hoped they got to the hospital soon.
* * *
Lee could never remember being so sick and hurting so much in his entire life. In his prior line of work he'd been shot several times, beaten up many more, drugged and slugged and once or twice endured treatment that could politely be called torture. Still he couldn't recall ever feeling such intense pain as he did at this moment. What made it even worse was there was no outside force causing this agony. This was coming from inside himself, as if his own body had turned on him and was exacting its revenge for everything he'd put it through.
He wasn't unconscious. He didn't have that luxury. He was aware that Amanda had half-dragged him out of the car and that she and the Colonel had brought him into the ER, but neither of them were here at the moment. There was only a foreign-looking doctor poking and prodding and mumbling to himself in a language Lee couldn't understand... and he knew several fluently.
The man was telling him something now about an ultrasound and rupturing and surgery. Lee didn't really care at the moment what they did to him as long as they stopped that ever-present sharp stabbing at his gut. Several other faces hovered over his field of vision and it seemed as if they were taking his clothes off. He was distantly annoyed but he couldn't spare the energy to get angry. Besides, it seemed that everyone around him was moving in rapid motion. Even if he tried he wasn't sure he could get anyone's attention.
He felt the swift sting of a needle in his arm and he turned his head to see a nurse finishing up his IV. He hated needles and he looked away. Then he saw Amanda. She was standing at his side, holding his other hand. He hadn't even known she was there. She was smiling at him, but Lee was aware enough to see the worry in her eyes. He must've given her one good scare.
"The doctor's going to take care of you, Sweetheart," she whispered. "You're going to be fine. Don't worry about anything."
Lee shook his head. The only thing he was worried about right now was her. He wanted to erase the fear from her eyes.
"I love you," Amanda said softly, giving his hand a squeeze.
Lee wanted to answer her but he was suddenly having trouble with his senses. Amanda's face was blurring before his eyes and he couldn't get his tongue to move. He realized they must've given him some kind of anesthesia. He had to settle for squeezing her hand in return, though he wasn't sure if he'd been able to exert enough pressure for her to feel it. Then she was gone and he felt himself being wheeled away. He wished he could still see Amanda but it didn't matter for long. Before he was even aware of what was happening, he floated off into a dark nothingness, where there was finally no more pain.
* * *
Amanda paced slowly back and forth, marking the length of the waiting room. She'd alternated between sitting and doing nothing and this monotonous movement. Both activities made her feel useless.
A ruptured appendix. Amanda shook her head in disbelief. After all the dangerous and harrowing assignments Lee had undertaken, to nearly be done in by such an insignificant thing as an appendix. Even the doctors had told her it was unusual for this to happen to a man of Lee's age. The whole thing was so entirely unexpected. Only a few hours ago they'd all been sitting around eating a Thanksgiving meal together. Now, she was sitting here not knowing what was going to happen or if Lee would even make it through the surgery.
She didn't want to dwell on that possibility, but it had been there in the doctor's carefully chosen words. He'd tried to sound hopeful, but he was also preparing her for the worst and she didn't want to even consider what the worst might be. She recalled the young surgeon's even voice as he explained Lee's situation.
He's very sick, Mrs. Stetson. I won't lie to you. The appendix ruptured before we could take it out.
She shook her head. Lee would be all right. He had to be.
She glanced over at Colonel Stetson, sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs, his hands drumming nervously on the arm. It was the only thing about him that betrayed his concern. His face was a mask of calm. If she hadn't known him better she would think he wasn't worried at all... or that he didn't care about what happened to Lee. If she didn't know him... or if she were a small child.
It wasn't exactly a flash of insight. She'd figured out a long time ago that the Colonel's mask of stoicism was just that... a mask... a way to keep his emotions hidden from others. To Lee, as a young boy, it would only have seemed like the man had no feelings at all. She also knew that Lee wasn't the only person to perceive the man in that light. Most of Lee's family also considered the Colonel cold and unfeeling. It had taken several years of getting to know the man for Amanda to understand that Charles Stetson had raised Lee so rigidly because he didn't know any other way to do it. Lee still hadn't been able to come to terms with that... probably because he'd had to live through it. Amanda suddenly moved over and sat down beside the Colonel and took hold of his hand. He glanced over at her in mild surprise.
"He'll be okay, Sir. Lee's pretty tough."
He nodded silently and Amanda could've sworn she saw something in his eyes... a glimpse of uncertainty perhaps. To Amanda, it was the first time Charles Stetson looked all of his seventy-eight years.
"I just keep remembering him lying there on the floor." The Colonel's voice was low and even. He turned and met Amanda's gaze. "Lee looks so damn much like his father, you know." He suddenly grew flustered and glanced away.
Amanda's heart went out to this man. He'd probably never allowed himself to open up to anyone and he seemed to need to do that now more than ever.
"Were you and Matthew very close?" she asked kindly.
The Colonel chuckled at the question. "You could say that, I suppose. Our folks died from influenza when I was barely 15. Matt was only 10 years old. The welfare people wanted to put him in a boys' home but I convinced them to let me take care of him." He glanced over at Amanda, a look of confusion on his face. "I don't know why I'm telling you all this."
Amanda shrugged. "Maybe because I love Lee too."
The old man cleared his throat in embarrassment. "In any case, I quit school and found a job and pretty much raised Matthew. We didn't have anybody else. When the war broke out, I enlisted. Matt was grown enough to take care of himself by then. When he was old enough, he joined up too. The war was nearly over, but he stayed in like I did. Made a career out of it."
"And you stayed close over the years?" Amanda prompted.
The Colonel's face grew thoughtful. "As close as we could, seeing as we were both serving all over the place. It was just coincidence that I happened to be in Japan the same time as the accident." He stopped and was silent for a long moment.
Amanda sat beside him quietly. She knew Lee's parents had both been killed in a car accident while they were living in Japan, but more than that was sketchy.
The Colonel closed his eyes, his hand still clutching Amanda's and she wondered if he was reliving that terrible event. When he resumed speaking, it was with an obvious effort to remain in control.
"I got a call from the Base Commander. They wanted me to come down and claim the bodies." He cleared his throat and once more assumed a more controlled air. "I did the best I could with Lee but..." He glanced over at Amanda. "I don't think I was prepared to be a father. I never expected to be one."
"You did a fine job with Lee, Sir," Amanda countered.
The Colonel gave her a wry smile. "I'm not sure everyone would agree with you on that, Amanda... especially Lee."
"Well, I didn't mean you never made any mistakes, Sir," Amanda said with a soft smile. "Every parent makes mistakes. But you can tell how good a job you did by the kind of man Lee turned out to be. He's good and kind and honest and loyal..."
"And he can't stand to be in the same room with me." There was a measure of hurt in his words.
"Oh no, it's not that," Amanda hastened to assure him. "I think it's more... well, I think he sees the way you are around Jenny and Matt and it brings back all the hurt from when he was little. He wonders why you didn't love him that way."
The Colonel turned and gave her an incredulous look. "I loved Lee. I've always loved Lee."
"I'm sure you do, Sir," Amanda assured him softly. "But did you ever let him know that? Did you ever tell him?"
"Of course I... well, I don't suppose I ever said it, not in so many words, but I..." The Colonel was flustered again. "How could he not know?" he wondered, as if talking to himself.
Amanda lay a comforting hand on his shoulder and when he turned his confused eyes, she smiled in understanding. "I'm sure it sounds strange, Sir, but kids don't always understand what we think they do. Sometimes they have to hear it from us."
"But Lee's not a child anymore," the Colonel murmured thoughtfully.
"In some ways he is," Amanda countered. "Really, in some ways we all are. We all need to know somebody loves us."
The Colonel turned once more to stare thoughtfully at the clock on the wall. Amanda sat beside him, hoping he would be able to understand what she'd been trying to tell him. She knew it wasn't always easy for a person to reexamine themselves, especially after so many years.
She wasn't sure how much time had gone by but she suddenly felt the Colonel's hand on her arm. She turned and he took her hand, turning the palm up. She watched curiously as he opened his wallet, removed a small key and placed it in her hand, then closed her fingers over it.
"I'm an old man," he began, "and I'm sure I've got a lot to answer for when I meet my maker..." He paused for a moment and Amanda wondered what was going through his mind. Then he continued. "When Matt and Jenny died, I just walled a lot of things up. I guess I didn't want to be reminded. You were right too. Lee was an every day reminder. I made a lot of decisions and maybe those weren't the right ones. Maybe I didn't think about how they would affect Lee. He was just a little boy, I guess I didn't think he was even aware what was going on..." He took a deep breath. "When Lee gets back on his feet, you give that to him. There's a few of his folks' things I've kept in storage. I never could bring myself to go through them, but maybe Lee might like to."
Amanda felt the key press into her palm as she clutched it tightly. She leaned over to kiss the Colonel's cheek.
"Thank you," she told him. "And I know Lee will thank you."
But the Colonel's mask was back in place and he waved her thanks aside brusquely.
* * *
It was hard to wake up. Every time Lee tried to open his eyes, his lids felt so heavy that they closed up again. It would be so sweet to just lay here and crawl back into that velvety blackness... but no. Someone was calling his name.
"Lee... Lee can you hear me?"
He opened his eyes again and somebody's form swam before his blurred vision.
"Lee... Sweetheart? Can you wake up now?"
"'Manda?" He forced his eyes to stay open and his wife's face came into focus. She was smiling warmly at him and it was the prettiest thing he's ever seen. "'Manda... where've you been?"
"Right here, Lee. You're in the recovery room. Do you remember you're in the hospital?"
The hospital? That was right. He did remember. His mind was clearing rapidly. "Yeah... I know," he mumbled. "Surgery, right?"
"That's right," she told him and he grew aware she was stroking his hair. "They took out your appendix."
"Appendix? Yeah, I remember now." He blinked to clear his vision again and felt more awake. "God," he groaned, "was that all it was?"
"All?" Amanda exclaimed with a laugh. "Wasn't that enough?"
He gave her a weak smile. "I guess so," he agreed whole heartedly. He glanced up at her. "Am I okay now?" he asked.
Her smile was enough of an answer. "You're going to be great," she assured him. "But you'll be laid up for a couple of weeks."
"Weeks? What about work?"
Amanda gave him an indignant look. "I can take care of work. Don't worry about that."
"I know you can," he answered.
"Good, because all you need to be concerned with is getting well."
He nodded meekly. Right now he was still too numb to argue with her.
"Lee?" He glanced over at her and wondered at the hesitation in her face. "Lee, the Colonel's outside. He'd like to see you."
He bit back the automatic retort. There was something in Amanda's eyes that was begging him to say yes. He relented and nodded permission. The warmth of his wife's smile was reward enough for putting up with the visit. She moved over to the door and beckoned the Colonel inside.
He walked in, tall and proud, not very different from how Lee remembered him growing up. Lee watched him come over to the bed, wondering all the while what the old man might want to say to him, besides accusing him of goldbricking, but when the Colonel sat down, he was close enough that Lee could see tears welling up in his eyes.
Lee blinked a few times, thinking it was his own grogginess that was making him see things. How many times had his uncle drilled into him that men didn't cry? But as he watched, he knew the tears were there. He wasn't hallucinating.
"The doctor says you're going to be fine," Colonel Stetson began. "I'm glad to hear it, boy. Mighty glad to hear it."
For the first time he could remember, Lee didn't cringe at the use of the word "boy." His whole life he'd hated it every time his uncle called him that. Now there was something in the man's voice, something that spoke louder than any words ever could. And for the first time Lee felt something stirring in himself... something he couldn't really describe.
"Me too, Sir," he said. "I'm sorry if I worried you."
The Colonel finally smiled. "I guess that's what families are for, boy."
Lee returned the smile. "I guess so."
"You've got a fine family, Lee. You know, for a time I'd given up on you ever settling down."
Lee chuckled at his uncle's admission. "I think I'd given up on myself," he admitted.
"Well, I'm not worried about you anymore. Not with Amanda around. She's a wonderful woman, Son."
Lee nodded silently, wondering if his uncle was aware of what he'd called his nephew. When he looked up into the old man's eyes... he knew.
* * *
"Amanda... why can't you tell me where we're going?"
Amanda merely smiled and remained silent as she drove down the row of storage garages. It had been three weeks now since Lee's operation, and he was pretty much back on his feet, though he still tired easily. It had been all Amanda could do to wait this long.
"Amanda!" She could tell Lee was growing exasperated.
"Okay, okay." She'd pulled up in front of the one she needed anyway. "Your uncle thought you might want to go through some of the things he's had in storage. He's getting on in years and he wants to start getting rid of some stuff."
"What stuff?" Lee asked. His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "He never carted anything around with us."
Amanda nodded knowingly. "That's right. It was too difficult. That's why he kept everything here. He thought you might want some of it."
They got out of the van and approached the unit. Amanda could tell Lee still wasn't buying her story. She herself was pretty nervous. She had no idea what exactly was in here. She hoped she wasn't going to be in for a big disappointment. She fumbled with the key for a moment then felt the padlock spring open.
"There," she announced and pulled the door open with a dramatic gesture. Her face fell a bit when all they saw was a dark room but then she reached around and flicked on a switch. The room was suddenly illuminated, revealing stacks of furniture and boxes.
She let Lee go first, not really sure if he would even remember these things. He'd been so little after all. She watched him walk among his parents' earthly possessions, his eyes roving over everything, his hand occasionally reaching out to brush against something. He finally turned to her, his face full of questions.
"Amanda?" She came over to him and took his hand. "Amanda, what is all this?" His voice was barely a whisper.
"It's you," she stated simply. "Or a part of you anyway. You uncle told me it's all here. He didn't throw out anything. He kept it here all these years but he could never come look at it."
Lee's eyes wandered around the room again, then came back to meet Amanda's. "Why didn't he ever tell me?"
She'd wondered if he'd be angry, but she didn't hear that in his voice. Maybe only a little regret. She shook her head. "He couldn't. It was too painful for him." She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed it gently. "He loved your father very much, Lee. That's why he never talked about him to you. Not because he didn't care but because he'd cared too much."
She saw the sorrow in Lee's eyes so she decided to steer him away from the old pain. "Come on," she urged lightly. "Let's see what's all here."
They spent the next couple of hours sorting through boxes, each one containing something of Lee's past. They found trunks filled with clothes... some of which Lee actually remembered his mother wearing. Amanda was thrilled to find a whole box of photographs, mostly of Lee as a baby. It was a priceless discovery, since the only baby picture Lee had was one his grandmother had given him. They sat and poured over the pictures, amazed at each one they found. Then Amanda found one of Lee's parents standing with a man who looked very familiar. She showed it to Lee.
"Who is this? I can't possibly know him, can I?"
Lee studied the photo for a moment, then his face lit up with a grin. "It's McCall!" he cried in delight.
"You're kidding?"
"No. Take another look. It's him."
Amanda took it back from him. Sure enough, he was right. "You'll have to show it to him," she said happily. "He'll love it."
The rest of the afternoon continued in the same way until Amanda finally decided they'd been at it long enough. She was worried about overtiring Lee. She closed the lid on the box she'd been going through and stood up, stretching the kinks out of her back.
"I'm beat, Lee," she announced. "We can come back tomorrow."
Lee didn't answer. Concerned, Amanda walked around to where she'd last seen him sorting through an old chest. She turned a corner and found him there, but he was standing still, as if rooted to the spot. His gaze was focused on the contents of the trunk.
"Lee?" Amanda walked over stand beside him. "Lee, what is it?"
Lee turned slowly, as if hearing her for the first time. He looked at her for a moment, his face unreadable, then he turned back to the trunk and reached into it. Very slowly he pulled out a large, stuffed Paddington Bear. He held it, staring at it in wonder.
"Amanda, look at this," he whispered. "It's the one McCall gave me."
Amanda frowned in confusion. She knew about the bear. Lee had given it to Jenny when she was born. She remembered distinctly how surprised she'd been when Lee had produced it at her bedside. He'd seemed to regard the toy with loving reverence and had bestowed it on Jenny with an equal amount of love. Now here was the same bear.
"But you gave that to Jenny," she commented, her voice full of puzzlement.
Lee smiled down at the furry animal. "That was the second one." His voice was low and when he looked back up at Amanda she once more saw the tears brimming in his eyes. "He gave me two of them," he explained in a husky voice. "Jenny has the one he gave me to make up..." He swallowed hard and Amanda could see his jaw work in a battle against his emotions, "to make up for losing this one."
Amanda watched his hands as they stroked the soft fur. "You know, it's funny how kids are. I think I was too little at first to really understand what had happened to my folks. But I remember crying at night because I missed ol' Paddington here. I can remember when my mom would tuck me in, she made a big deal out of tucking him in too. He was my pal and then suddenly he wasn't there anymore." He stopped talking, his voice on the edge of breaking. He glanced around the room and then back at Amanda. By now the tears were running down his face but he didn't seem to care.
Amanda's own heart was full. She reached out for him and he took her into his arms, holding her close. She could feel his shoulders shaking as he gave in to the overload of feelings... from happiness to sorrow to regret to joy. They were all there and he wasn't holding them back.
Amanda stood there, happy to be in his arms... to have her own arms around him... glad that she was the one to share this moment with him. She could feel the beating of his heart and she could see, tucked under his arm, the silly looking bear that had brought to the surface all the long-buried emotions. She'd known it had been a special gesture on Lee's part when he'd given Paddington to Jenny, but she'd no idea just how much it had meant to him... how much his daughter, his first child, had meant to him. She also knew he would never give this bear away. This bear was coming home with them and would be Lee's for the rest of his life.