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As the 747 flew gracefully across the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Dulles International Airport, Lee couldn't stop thinking about the argument he'd had with Amanda prior to leaving on his trip eight days before...
"Please tell me you're joking," Amanda said with a grim expression, as she leaned against the kitchen counter.
Lee tried to make light of it. "It's no big deal, Hon."
"Then someone else can handle it," she replied.
"They asked me."
"You don't work for the Agency anymore." She picked up a potato and started peeling it over the sink. "They had a lot of nerve even asking you. Just tell them to find someone else."
There was a lengthy pause. "I already told them I'd go."
Amanda stopped mid stroke and slowly turned to look at him. "You what?" she asked quietly, anger flashing in her eyes.
"It's important," he argued.
"It's always important. That's not the issue. You don't work there. You have other obligations now." Her voice held an edge she rarely used with Lee.
Growing defensive, his tone likewise took on a stubborn quality. "I'm aware of that, Amanda."
"Are you? Then tell them you changed your mind."
"I can't do that."
Something flashed across Amanda's face, then she turned her back to him, continuing to peel the potato. "You can if you want to."
"I told you. It's important, very important."
"A minute ago you said it was 'no big deal.' Which is it?" she demanded, turning to glare at him.
He glared back. "You know, I don't appreciate that tone."
"I don't appreciate you making this decision without at least discussing it first," she shot back.
"We're discussing it now."
"No, we aren't. You're informing me of your decision. There's a big difference."
Lee threw up his hands. "What do you want from me?"
"A little common courtesy would be a start."
"Great. Now I'm getting sarcasm. Sometimes you are so unreasonable."
"Unreasonable?" She raised her voice. "Now I'm unreasonable for expecting you to care about my opinion?"
Lee raised his voice to match hers. "I do care about your opinion."
"Then prove it. Turn down the assignment," she challenged.
"Don't ask me to do that."
"I'm asking. Either my feelings matter to you or they don't. Which is it?"
"It's not that simple. You know that."
"It's precisely that simple. You know that."
Uncertainty filled his expression, but after a moment's hesitation he firmly stated, "I'm going."
Amanda's face turned to stone, and she silently returned to peeling the potato.
Lee stepped up behind her. "Honey, please." He laid his hands on her shoulders, but she stiffened abruptly and shrugged them off.
Rebuffed, he stepped back, then retreated up the stairs.
Amanda fought back the tears. Somehow she finished preparing dinner and called everyone to the table. When Lee didn't appear, she considered going after him, but her anger convinced her otherwise.
"Aren't we gonna wait for Daddy?" Jenny asked.
Frustrated by her husband's behavior, Amanda tried to give her daughter a soothing smile. "Daddy's not hungry tonight, Pumpkin." A cloud fell on the youngster's face, and Amanda guessed she'd heard the argument. She glanced at Matthew, but he seemed unaware. Stung, she pushed back from the table. "I'll go see if he's changed his mind, okay?" She was rewarded with a big smile in response.
Amanda froze in the doorway of the bedroom, staring at the nearly full suitcase on the bed. She looked up at Lee in disbelief.
He had the grace to look apologetic, but at the same time, there was a determination in his body language. "I'm catching an earlier flight," he explained. He seemed ready to say something more, but stopped.
Stunned, she pleaded, "Lee, I'm asking you not to do this."
"And I'm asking you to understand that I have to." He shook his head. "I wanted to avoid another disagreement."
"This is more than a disagreement," she insisted.
"We'll discuss this when I get home. I have a flight to catch." He put his travel case inside the suitcase and snapped it shut.
"I hope you have enough time to tell your children you're leaving." Her tone was colder than ice...
The jet touched down on the runway, jolting Lee from his unpleasant memories. He sighed, wishing he'd handled the entire matter a lot differently. Why didn't I explain it better, so she'd understand?
After buying a bouquet of two dozen roses on the way, Lee climbed out of the taxi at the base of his driveway. He used his key to bypass the security system, hoping to surprise Amanda and charm his way through his apology before she had time to remember how angry she was.
The mini-van was tucked inside the driveway beside the more economical sedan, telling him his family was home as he'd hoped. "Amanda?" He called from the entryway. The house was far too quiet, and as he looked around, far too tidy. "Amanda?" The flowers were forgotten on the kitchen counter as he started a room by room search for some clue. Even the master bedroom yielded no answers until he looked for Amanda's suitcase in the corner of the closet and found empty floor space. A car door shut outside. He rushed to the window to see Phillip heading toward the barn.
"Phillip?" He called, nearing the barn and not wanting to startle his older stepson.
The young man met Lee at the barn door, leading Amanda's mare out to the corral. "Hi," he said with a nod as he passed.
Lee followed along. "Where's your mother?"
"She took the kids for a trip right after you left," he replied, releasing the horse and starting back to the barn.
Keeping pace, Lee sounded incredulous. "She what? Where'd she go?" he demanded in disbelief.
"Someplace where she could think." Phillip stopped in mid-stride and turned to Lee. "Do you realize how badly you hurt her?"
"We had an argument," he asserted defensively. "That's all."
"I don't think so," replied Phillip, continuing on his way.
Lee was losing his patience. "What did she tell you?"
"She just asked me to take care of the horses." He picked up a shovel and started mucking out the empty stall. "I asked her what happened, but she just plastered a smile in place and told me everything was fine." He paused, then gave Lee a penetrating look. "That's when my little sister asked me why her daddy was mad at her mommy, why he went away and made her mommy cry."
It was the first time Lee had even considered that his daughter had heard the disagreement. He sank down onto a hay bale.
"Then she asked if you two were getting a divorce," added Phillip quietly. The earlier anger in his tone was replaced by concern.
Lee stared silently out the barn door, trying to absorb what his stepson was telling him.
Phillip leaned the shovel against a wall and joined Lee on the hay. "Look, I don't know exactly what happened, and I don't think I want to. What matters is that Mom... Lee, she was scared and hurt. Jenny was, too, and I didn't know what to tell her. I looked in her eyes and saw myself sixteen years ago. I still remember Mom and Dad arguing, then suddenly Dad was gone and Mom was crying. I was terrified."
"I was gone eight days," Lee insisted, though not angrily. "I didn't ask her to move to Africa."
Staring off at nothing, lost in a memory, Phillip quietly responded. "Dad didn't exactly 'ask.' He just came home one night all excited and told Mom he had this important job to do. She tried to tell him there were more important things than his job, but he wasn't even listening to her. His mind was made up, and her opinion didn't matter. He'd even accepted the job already."
Lee looked critically at his stepson. Was he purposely telling the story to parallel recent events, or could it really have been as similar a scene as it sounded like? The idea that he might have treated Amanda in any way like Joe had treated her made Lee feel sick to his stomach with guilt.
Leaving his stepfather alone to think, Phillip returned to his chores. After several minutes, he noticed Lee was gone. It wasn't until he was closing the barn and preparing to leave that he saw a lone figure strolling toward him from the nearby hills.
"Phillip," Lee began upon reaching him, "I've made a mess of things, but I can't fix it until I can talk to your mother. I can waste my time pulling strings to track her down, or you can help me out and tell me where she is."
Hesitating only a moment, the young man informed him, "She's at the ranch with Andy and Caitlin."
"Thanks," Lee said gratefully. "Phillip, I..."
"Don't," he held up his hand to interrupt. "It's not really my business. I don't need any explanation. Mom does."
"Uncle Andy, I wanna feed the horses," Jenny announced.
Andy hesitated. "Well, Sweetie, I don't know. We'll have to ask your mommy when she gets back."
"I help Daddy," she added, her face quickly clouded over as it had every time she'd mentioned her father since arriving at the ranch.
"I'm sure you're a big help, but we'll have to wait and see," he replied, tweeking her five-year-old chin.
A car pulled up outside, and Andy went to see who was coming for an unexpected visit. He was relieved to see Lee's tall form exiting the rented car. "Daddy!" Jenny squealed with delight, rushing for the door.
"Hey, Princess." Lee scooped her up and held her tight, regretting the fact that she was growing up too fast. "Oooh. Daddy sure missed you." He kissed her on the nose.
"I missed you, too, Daddy," she said, hugging his neck so tight, Lee was having trouble breathing.
The screen door on the porch swung open and three year old Matthew came running out in front of Andy and Aunt Katie.
"Daddy!" Matt cried, throwing his arms around Lee's legs.
"I thought I heard a car," said Aunt Katie. "We've been expecting you."
Lee set Jenny down to pick up his son, who repeated the strangle-hold. "Hey, Pal, having a good time?"
Matt nodded his head vigorously. "Miss you," he mumbled into Lee's shirt.
"I missed you, too."
"Okay, children, I need help making cookies," Aunt Katie announced.
"I wanna help," Jenny replied enthusiastically.
"Me,too," piped in Matthew.
Before leading the kids away, Katie reached over to squeeze Lee's hand. "I'm glad you're here," she said with an understanding smile. Then she left the two cousins alone.
"Thanks for taking my family in," Lee began.
Andy waved it off. "We have plenty of room, and the kids have had a ball together. You're all welcome anytime."
Lee nodded, then after an uncomfortable pause, he finally asked, "Where is she?"
"She and Cait went for a ride. They should be back soon." Andy looked off toward the mountains. "She's been pretty quiet since they got here. Whatever happened, it shook her up bad."
Lee sat down on the porch steps, his shoulders sagging. "I didn't listen to her," he admitted ashamedly. "I just wasn't paying attention to what she was trying to tell me."
Andy sat down beside him. "You aren't still in the game more than Amanda knows, are you?"
"No." Lee shook his head emphatically. "This was a special case. I tried to explain that to her, but I did a lousy job. I never should've left like I did, before we'd worked it out. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never done that to her before. I can't believe I was such a jerk."
"Aw, we all are from time to time," consoled Andy. "You're here now. You'll talk to her and get it all straightened out."
"I hope so. I'm not so sure it's going to be that easy. I pushed some buttons without knowing it." With a defeated sigh, Lee ran his fingers through his hair. "When I realized she'd packed up the kids and left, it felt like taking a slug in the gut at point blank range."
Andy gave his cousin a sympathetic grimace, then stood. "I have chores. You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah. I got myself into this mess. I'll figure a way out of it."
With a nod, Andy left him alone.
"I really appreciate your letting us invade this way," Amanda said, guiding her horse along the path beside Caitlin. They were returning from a trail ride, most of which had been in silence.
Cait had hoped Amanda would open up once they were alone together, but she didn't know how far she dared push. "It's been fun. It seems we only get to see each other during reunions or some other major family events. There's never enough time to spend really catching up with everybody." She paused, then added, "I just wish I knew how to cheer you up."
Amanda sighed. "I haven't been very good company," she admitted regretfully. "I probably shouldn't have dragged the kids away from home, but it seemed like something I had to do at the time."
"Did you leave Lee a note, telling him where you'd be?" Cait asked.
A long silence followed, and Cait was about to change the subject, but finally Amanda answered. "No. I was pretty mad when I left. I guess I could ask Phillip to leave a note next time he's there."
Caitlin looked at her curiously. "You don't sound too certain. Don't you think he'll worry when he gets home and finds you gone?"
"Yes," she answered slowly, "but..." Her voice trailed off, trying to put her jumbled thoughts into words. "At first, to be honest, I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. Boy," she shook her head sheepishly, "does that sound childish or what?"
Cait just smiled understandingly. "And now?" she prodded.
"Now, I'm mostly afraid of the fight we'll have. He'll be furious with me; I'll be furious with him. It'll be awful."
Cait stopped her horse. "Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions? Lee may feel terrible about whatever happened. You two have had disagreements before, and you'll certainly have them again. Why is this one so different?"
Having stopped her mount alongside her cousin-in-law, Amanda fidgeted nervously with her reins. "I think I'm losing Lee," she said quietly, all the pain and fear bottled inside her evidenced in her shaky voice.
"What?" Cait's tone was shocked but gentle. "That's impossible. He adores you."
Amanda dismounted, and Cait followed suit. They led the animals along the path. "I recognize the signs," she explained defeatedly. "I've been through this before."
"I just refuse to believe it," Cait responded with certainty. "I mean," she added a bit more gently, "I believe you feel that way, but why?"
Uncertainly, Amanda began to describe the argument and how Lee had left so abruptly. Cait listened in silence until she finished. "Okay, it was a big fight," Caitlin admitted, "but I'm sure Lee feels as badly about it as you do. The Michaels men can be stubborn and pig-headed, but they usually recognize it afterwards."
"It's not just the fight, Cait. It's the context. Lee's been getting more and more restless, and he's bored at the State Department. He wants to go do things on the weekends, but the kids keep us home. During the week, I'm so exhausted by the time he gets home..."
"Believe me, I know," commiserated Cait. "If it weren't for
Andy's mom, I'd be at my wit's end. At least Andy's equally done in by the time his work is finished for the day. We just collapse together."
"It used to be that way with us when we worked together. Now, he's dealing with international red-tape, and I'm dealing with a purple dinosaur named Barney. We're drifting apart, and I don't know how to stop it."
The two women emerged from the edge of the woods and headed for the barn with the horses in tow. Amanda saw Lee first. She was too far away to see him clearly, but she recognized his profile leaning against the corral fence, watching a mare and her colt. Cait followed Amanda's gaze, and from the look on her face, hazarded a guess. "Lee?"
Amanda nodded. She felt terrified and relieved at the same time.
Taking the reins from Amanda's hand, Cait prodded her. "Go talk to him. Tell him what you told me. Maybe he's afraid of the same things."
Touching Cait's arm, Amanda smiled gratefully. "Thanks for everything."
Cait nodded and started toward the barn.
As Amanda walked toward Lee, she waited for him to sense her approach. Finally, she was standing behind him, certain he was aware of her presence. The foal was showing off nearby, running and kicking, charging at his mother, then dashing away. The youngster's antics brought a smile to Amanda's lips, in spite of her glum mood. She moved up to lean against the fence beside Lee. "Hi," she said, tentatively breaking the ice.
"Hi," he responded, equally uncertain. He looked over at her and saw the worry in her face. "Phillip told me where to find you."
She nodded mutely.
He took a deep breath, then plunged ahead. "I'm sorry for leaving like I did. I shouldn't have taken the assignment without talking to you first. Most of all," he paused, "I'm sorry I hurt you."
Hot tears slid down her cheeks. "Why, Lee? We always talk things out. When I saw that suitcase, I was afraid..." She choked on the rest of the words.
"Afraid I was leaving for good," he finished.
She looked at him, surprised. "Were you?" she asked in barely a whisper.
"No." The answer rang with firmness. "Honestly, Amanda, Honey, how could you even think that?" He reached for her hand and squeezed it affectionately. "Don't bother answering that. I think I already know the answer."
Confusion filled her expression. "What do you mean?"
"When I got home, I couldn't believe you'd gone and taken the kids. I felt lousy for the fight, but I was too thick-headed to realize what I'd done. Phillip showed up to feed the horses, and he gave me a piece of his mind."
"I didn't tell him we'd had a fight," she said, perplexed.
"You didn't have to." Lee grimaced. "Jenny did. She asked him why I was mad at you, why I left and why I made you cry."
Amanda felt the pain in his voice. "Lee..."
"He started talking about the night Joe left you. He didn't even realize it, but he described our fight to a tee. Then, finally, dawn broke on this marble head of mine."
"I shouldn't have overreacted," she insisted. "This wasn't all your fault."
"It was, but I won't argue that point. Maybe I can at least clear up what started all of this." He took a slip of paper from his pocket and handed it to her. "This is what the assignment was all about."
Amanda took the paper, her curiosity piqued. On it was a man's name she didn't recognize, and address in London, and a telephone number. "Who's this?"
"Laura's father."
She looked up at him sharply. "Her father?"
"Remington tracked him to England, but he was having... difficulty with the authorities. Seems he's made a few enemies over there. Anyway, he needed my connections. He made me promise not to tell a soul until we found the guy and made sure finding him wasn't going to be worse than not finding him, if you catch my drift."
"Then Laura doesn't know?" Amanda asked, incredulously. "Remington did this all on his own?"
"He said something about Laura helping him find his father. I guess he wanted to return the favor."
"Is he going to tell her?"
Lee shrugged. "I just helped Rem track him down. It's up to him what happens now."
Pieces of the puzzle started fitting into place. "I feel really foolish," she admitted. "After all this time, I should have trusted you."
Lee was quiet. "I've been thinking about this a lot," he began. "Maybe there's something going on here we need to talk about."
"Maybe," she conceded. "We wouldn't have had this fight a couple of years ago."
"Right, so what's changed?" he asked, really wanting to know.
Amanda shook her head. "A lot, I guess. We don't spend nearly as much time together anymore. I spend so much energy keeping up with the kids; I haven't had much left over for you."
"I don't expect you to, Amanda."
She looked up at him. "Maybe that's one problem right there," she said softly. "I feel like... you don't need me anymore."
Lee's jaw literally dropped. "That's not what I meant at all," he insisted. "My gosh, Amanda, when you go grocery shopping for an hour, those kids run me ragged. I just meant I wasn't expecting you to be some superwoman. I mean, you are, but... this isn't coming out right." He hit the wooden rail in frustration, then he took hold of her arms and turned her to face him. "I do need you, like..." he searched for the right words, "...like I need air to breathe. Spending last night alone in our bed was a nightmare. I couldn't believe I'd actually driven you away."
"You didn't drive me away, Lee. I was just terrified of having history repeat itself, so I ran away."
Unable to control the impulse, Lee kissed her reassuringly. "History will not repeat itself, Honey. I promise you that."
Amanda gave a watery smile. "I never should have doubted you."
He grew more somber. "There is something, though."
"What is it?" she asked, bracing herself.
"I'm not happy at State anymore. I think it's time to move on."
"I'm glad," she responded with relief.
"You are?" he asked astonished. "I thought you'd be upset."
"I told you when you accepted the job you'd end up miserable," she reminded him.
"You know me too well," he shook his head with a grin.
The foal chose that moment to trot over to them. Amanda reached a hand out. The youngster nuzzled her, then snorted and galloped away. Amanda and Lee laughed as he reared and bucked. Amanda put her arm around Lee's waist, and he put his over her shoulder. "So what's next?" she asked. "Any ideas?"
"I want us to sit down and plan this together," he told her, "because, whatever I end up doing, I need you involved. I need you there to catch things I don't. I know your hands are full with the kids, but we'll just find a way to work around that."
A spark of interest lit Amanda's eyes.
"I'd carry the primary load," he warned. "I want the kids to always..."
"...have first priority. Absolutely," she agreed.
"Then you like the idea?"
She kissed him on the cheek. "I love it. I've missed working with you, too."
"Some people would call us crazy."
"Let them." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "We've never been a couple to follow the crowd, and I doubt we ever will be."
Lee lifted her chin and kissed her as thoroughly as he knew how. "I sure have missed you," he said afterwards.
"And I've missed you," she echoed, looking deeply into his eyes.
"Let's go let everybody know we've made up," his eyes twinkled at her, "then we'll slip away and make it official."
They shared another hug then walked, arm in arm, toward the house.