The purpose of this Glossary is to explain any obscure references to characters or shows present in some of the stories in this zine. Some people insist on using names referred to in stories not present or like to use characters from old and new television shows no one has ever heard of (or is ever likely to) outside of the Relativity forum.
At least it used to be the above -- more recently it's become a forum for me. A forum for what, you might ask? Haven't a clue. It's usually the second from last thing I have to do for the zine and by now, I'm totally gone and just plain, ol' babbly -- not that I don't try to stick with the original intent, but ya know sometimes ya just gotta
And, as we all know, Jill never really does read this section so I get away with whatever I want (neener, neener, neener ;). Though, for your sakes, I do hope I have taken care of any possible vague nesses that may have occurred.
: The Apocryphals are a great group, we adore 'em -- really. It's just, well, they don't socialize all that well so we've tried to keep them with their own Ya know -- werewolves, vampires, good-looking flyin' guys, kooky reporters, time travelers, etc. Though, in chronicling their lives, you might want to be aware they kinda, sometimes, just sorta, but not purposely, delude themselves and aren't always the most accurate of groups. Their tales may, or may not, be actual Cousin Cannon -- just wanted to warn you. But they usually are a fun lot.
Course you all know I have no actual say in who does, or doesn't, get quarantined to the back of the zine -- that credit (read: blame, please) belongs to Cousin Queen Jill herself -- not that I'm accusing her of no rhyme or reason decision on who gets put there -- nope, never would do that never really, I swear. Not happenin' here ;). I'm waiting to see where she puts the Reunion story and Round Robin it's always a surprise to me, too.
Okay, now I'm not quite sure how to explain this -- Let's take Michaels' Peak for an example. Definitely based on another story, but since they got it wrong -- oh, sorry, not wrong so much as they left out whole sections of what was happening -- the account found in this zine simply fills in the details. But, to make sure the whole situation is understood, some dialogue and action had to overlap some might call this plagiarism but if the movie-makers had been accurate to begin with, none of this would have been necessary. Course this whole zine is based on a few phrases Andy and Lee uttered in their televised biographies -- so based upons are a happy thing.
Bethie is a character from a Battlestar Galactica story called "The Quiet Whisper." It finally came to our attention last year that Bethie had not really died in a dark pit of despair (aka: a hole on the ground) as previously written in the past. The petite, sorrowful heroine was rescued by the valiant SG-1 team and eventually became supreme leader of Earth's United Military force. Don't believe me? Read Relativity 8. Or is that what really happened?
"Help us!" "We need you!" "Where are you?" "You're our only hope!"
Tiny, petite, blonde-headed Voyager Bethie strained to hear the whispers from the fen coming through her cool Voyager-Viewer thingie device. Not all operatives were allowed use of this but she'd proved herself worthy of the responsibility, despite her not having even reached her teen years.
She was to make right what went wrong. She was to give history a little push to get it back on track. Bethie's job also differed from her companions. She plucked those who would normally have gone poof and sent them to "alternative reality land." She was so cool.
But there had been increased activity this year and the signals were washing each other out. She prayed she'd be able to sort out what needed to be done before it was too late. The sadness in the world didn't need the "stupid ones" undermining that which should be giving people relief from the cares of their lives.
She tweaked the dials, but it didn't help. She glanced carefully around. No one was looking. She kicked the thingie hard in the mid-section. The voices started to clear and separate to the proper categories.
The pleas she'd been receiving seemed to be coming mostly from two vectors -- the Uncharted Territories was one, though how she was expected to find her way where there were no directions she shrugged. She would do it for she was: Voyager Bethie! First in her class -- despite the pirate-guy who sat behind her hitting on all the older female trainees, her age -- at least for another 15 years -- gave her immunity from his advances.
She steeled herself and input the proper coordinators. There were no stupid ones here, but those who existed were hard on those they worked with.
The blue lady was easy. Bethie just plucked her away before she floofed. Then the one who resembled Starbuck's little friend, Boxey, if he'd grown up and changed his name to Troy, had given her a start when he transformed into more of a plant-person-like critter, but he was sent off safely. The good-looking non-clone named John who was identical to the other good-looking non-clone named John took a little finesse getting him away from the woman, but he soon joined the others.
Bethie watched as the icky, little, froggy creature almost expired several times -- but he never quite made it. Relief flooded her -- she wasn't sure if she could have brought herself to save it -- her average would have still been the best at 99.9%. It would have been acceptable for she was: Voyager Bethie!
But then she got the readings for the Ship and it's Captain who were to give all for an unselfish reason -- his dossier showed he hadn't been the best of folks -- redeeming himself eventually -- but that ship was huge. Luckily she'd brought a back-up battery for her suped-up Omni it was a strain, but she succeeded -- like she wouldn't, she laughed to herself. She was Voyager Bethie!
Bethie rubbed her hands together. A job well done.
But the other transmissions were stronger than she'd ever seen them. Some idiots were messin' with the most gentle, kind, brave, heroic and sweet guy ever. A sure sign their tiny, little pea-brain minds couldn't come up with an original idea if they'd been given the key to all original ideas ever and all they had to do was steal them -- and couldn't even manage that.
This would require a little special help. She popped into the Sunnydale.
"Excuse me, Mr. Sorcerer-person," she tugged at the bespectacled British, cute, ex-Watcher person. "But I need a little help."
"Oh, hello, child," Giles stooped down and patted the girl on the head. "Of course I'll help, but I haven't much time. I'm busy trying to stop a very good friend who's wigged out completely and gone evil but that's a long story and I'm sure you don't have the time."
"Well, I actually have all the time in the world," she explained, secretly fingering her Omni, "But I suspect you may be needing my help soon so I'd kinda like to get this done with." She frowned. "Don't suppose you know anyone named Wesley or Angel? -- I'm monitoring their situation and may be called away there, too."
Giles brightened. "Very good friends," he stated. "What can I do?"
"I can only pluck people out -- I can't exchange them -- although I am working on transferring into 'Happy Endings' on a part-time basis," she detailed. "But that's neither here nor there. I need a switcheroo, please. I need magic." She smiled.
Giles scrunched his face up -- he was fighting evil magic right now but this child could not possibly want anything evil. "Let's do it."
She touched Giles' arm, and pressed the button on her watch-like device.
"See that guy," she pointed to the creep behind the desk, smarmily schmoozing someone at the other end of the line. She crooked her little finger and motioned for him to bend down. "I need" she whispered in his ear.
A grin spread across Giles' features. "Very good."
* * *
Ross looked at his pet monkey. "Ma-Lousy, I need to you go to sacrifice yourself and save everyone and stop the radiation." He pointed towards a strange machine. "Hurry."
The monkey frowned. He tried to speak but only managed strange chirps and hoo-hoo sounds. He glanced at his monkey-body that had at one time been a head-writer's form. Fear crossed his features.
"Now!" Ross commanded and shoved him forward and closed the door behind him.
"Aaahhh," Rachel sympathized. "I'm sorry Ross."
"Oh, don't be." He dismissed his action and began to walk away. "Nobody'll miss him. He was a stupid monkey."
* * *
"Thank you, Giles," Bethie said. "I think that works very nicely."
"It's been nice meeting you," Giles stated. "Though I hope I never do anything to make you mad." He laughed appreciatively.
"Oh, you never could." She crooked her little finger, motioning him to bend down. She pecked him on the cheek. "You're too nice and I usually only help the good -- punishing the stupid is someone else's job, but I got a special dispensation in this case." She beamed at him and set her controls and waved good-bye.
She winked in at her next assignment. "I'm Voyager Bethie! I'm here to rescue you," she announced to the throng gathered.
For those new to the Relativity Universe, just a word on continuity… We follow our own. These stories began first season Scarecrow and we went by what they -- mostly -- had established. Go back and watch -- they gave Lee several different orphaned ages; Lee's Uncle, the Colonel, was Clayton, not Stetson and he was very American so he'd have to be mother's brother -- and then they made mom British. I could go on and fill dozens of pages with continuity problems on the shows. We try to be better than that -- with what we've established. Apocryphals are the only major exception section and they're allowed -- though not necessarily -- to be "what if" stories and don't have to follow our established time or even the original show's. Does this make sense? Hope so.
: Fans of first season Remington Steele may not remember Murphy Michaels having a limp in the show. He didn't. Jill gave it to him after he almost died in a cave in "Will You Steele Need Me?" published in Steele Files I and reprinted in Works of Steele (available from me, ask for details).
Our favorite Denver detective banned all use of this as plot device in Relativity 9 -- but unfortunately for him, it just really seemed a good year to hurt the boy really bad. <he, he, he > Sorry, Murph.
Never done this before. I hope everyone had a great time. The rules were a page long (I never do anything simple) but most everyone was pretty good at following them. Especially the last one -- you can't find Uncle Jake (it's not a spoiler since that would pretty much have ended the story). Believe me -- everyone followed that rule with no exceptions -- not one -- at all! You all did great!
Wow! Can't believe this but we're actually at Relativity 10 -- and Jill's been writing! Yeah! But you all owe me big time for her writing. You don't know how I've suffered for you to delight in Jill-words again! I had to make certain promises. And despite all, I kept those promises. Even though, I mean, who'd have thought she'd actually expect me to keep my end of the deal I mean, like she's Jill what does she need my nonsense for. But she actually made me tag-team write with her She'd send me part of the story and I'd have to continue! I'm pretty sure I'm traumatized for life. Hope you all think it was worth it!
Okay, now we know there could not possible be any typos in anything I had control over none not being practically perfect in every way like I am and all. But, unfortunately, though being perfect, I have yet to be named Boss of Everything so not everything is under my control -- especially the fact Jill is using the wrong word processing program <g> -- Word Perfect and Word Document don't like each other and don't like to play nice all the time -- and then put the Round Robin in there with a thousand other people using different formats Yikes! Wish the world would get it's act together. I am so ready to assume the role I was born to have in life. Sorry if we should have supervised the playground better. Just wanted you to be aware of who to blame if you do find a misplaced something or other.