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Lee hated funerals. Maybe he'd seen too many of them in the nearly seven years he had been with the Agency. It never seemed to matter much how good an agent you were. Sooner or later your time came, your number was up and then it was caskets and flowers and some well written lines about what a great guy you were.
Sure, he went to them when he had to; when it was someone he'd known well, someone he'd worked with. He'd felt sort of obligated, like it was his duty. It was that same sense of duty that brought him here today, as much as he would rather have stayed away.
He arrived late and the old country church was filled to overflowing. He slipped in the open door and found a place to stand in the back just as the congregation was finishing up a hymn he didn't recognize. He was just as glad to be by himself. This was a private time and the people here had too much on their minds to waste time fussing over him. Besides, this wasn't the day to have to explain why he'd stayed away so long. It was enough that he was here now. She would have understood. He'd never had to defend himself to her. He felt no great need to do it for anyone else.
The preacher had started up his sermon and Lee let his eyes travel over the crowd of people jammed shoulder to shoulder in the plain, wooden pews. Most of them were family; aunts, uncles, cousins. But there were others Lee didn't know, neighbors from all over the county by the looks of it. He shook his head in silent wonder and admiration. He knew how much his grandmother had touched his life. He just never knew quite how much she had affected others.
It was hard to believe she was gone. He, more than anyone else in this room; including the preacher, knew the inevitability of death. He'd stared it in the face too often not to realize its arm was long and indiscriminate. Still, it wasn't easy to reconcile the flower-laden coffin at the front of the church with the lively little woman who had been Katherine Michaels.
No, it wasn't easy. It would have been much simpler to have stayed in D.C., or taken another assignment; anything to avoid having to face the finality of this ritual. But he could hardly have refused his grandfather's request, especially when he was only relaying Grandma Michaels' wishes.
So he'd come. He hadn't been home, hadn't seen her in years. He'd come to stand alone in the back of a church until he was called upon to perform this one last duty to an old woman who'd loved him more than he ever deserved.
The service was over now. The last hymn was sung and the preacher had stepped down from the podium. Five men stood up from the front few rows of the church and made their way toward the coffin. Lee recognized his uncles, though their stricken faces and dark suits were vastly different than any of Lee's boyhood memories of them.
They solemnly took their places at the casket. It had been her wish that her sons and her daughter's husbands bear this burden. Jake and Robert stood at the head, one on each side. Behind Robert was Jonathan, the youngest. Then came the sons-in-law, Addison and Clayton. There was only one place left.
Lee stepped forward now. This was his cue. This was the reason he'd come back to New Mexico. He walked slowly up the main aisle of the church, his eyes firmly in front of him. He was aware of his uncles waiting for him but for some reason he couldn't make his feet move any faster. It was as if by delaying this he could keep his grandmother alive, at least for a little longer.
As he passed by one of the pews, he felt a hand brush against his. He glanced down and saw Aunt Katie smile up at him in encouragement even though there were tears in her eyes for her mother. Bolstered up, Lee squeezed her hand and let it go. Count on Aunt Katie to be there at the right time.
He reached the front and moved to the foot of the coffin behind his uncle Clayton. He stared down at the brass handle for a moment before he stepped up and assumed his father's place.
The mountain air was cool in the twilight and Lee stood on the porch just taking it all in. The crickets sang in the distance and for a moment time stood still and he was a little boy again, running and playing and kissing Grandma goodnight.
He shook his head. He couldn't let himself do that. He'd felt the unfamiliar sting of tears threatening, as if crying could do any good. He'd learned long ago that no amount of tears ever changed anything.
"Lee?"
He turned at the soft voice behind him. Aunt Katie stood in the doorway.
"Why don't you come in now," she invited. "You've been by yourself all afternoon. The boys are worried about you."
Lee shrugged his shoulders. He couldn't explain why he'd avoided talking to his cousins today.
"I really should get going," he told her.
"Oh, you're not leaving tonight are you?" Katie's voice held a tone of disappointment.
Lee shrugged again uncomfortably. "I...I really can't stay. My job and all."
She didn't press him. He knew she wouldn't. In so many ways she was a carbon copy of her mother.
"I guess if you have to, you have to. But before you go, I'd like you to come upstairs with me."
"Okay," he conceded. He could at least give her a little time. He could do that much.
He followed his aunt to his grandparents' bedroom. Tactfully, Aunt Katie had steered around the living room where the bulk of the family was gathered. He was grateful for that. He didn't think he could have handled being very social at the moment.
He stood by the door and watched his aunt as she opened a large cedar chest and took out something wrapped in tissue.
"She didn't have much," Katie said softly. "Most things she'd already given away. But she wanted you to have this. She said you were settled enough now that you'd have a place to put it."
Wordlessly, Lee took the package and removed the tissue paper from around the wooden frame. The picture of his parents smiled up at him. He'd seen it hanging on her wall a hundred times; had gazed at it longingly as a child. The absurd tears he'd felt on the porch welled up in his eyes again and threatened to spill over. He fought them back as he sat down on the bed and stared down at the picture.
"Oh, there was one more thing." Aunt Katie wiped at her eyes and moved over to the closet.
Lee wasn't really paying attention to what she was doing. He still hadn't taken his eyes off the portrait in his hands.
"Let's see, where is that...oh, here we are." Aunt Katie turned from the closet to face Lee. "Here's something else she saved for you, Lee."
He glanced up then and his mouth dropped open. His aunt stood in front of him, her arms holding out a rather large, stuffed Paddington Bear.
"Where in the world..."
"Oh, she kept it in here when you were with the Colonel. She didn't want it to get ruined in that damp cave."
Lee stared at his aunt in speechless wonder. Katie laughed softly.
"You boys and your secrets. Skip came to her once and told her about how you kept the bear there. He was afraid it would get spoiled. So they devised a scheme, those two. Before you showed up, he'd put ol' Paddington
here back. When you went back home, back he'd come to a nice, dry place."
Lee took the bear from his aunt without a word. She sat down on the bed beside him and took hold of his hand.
"She loved you more than anything, Lee. You were all she had left of Jenny. There wasn't a day went by that she didn't talk about you."
"Aunt Katie, don't...I" Lee couldn't talk. Those damn tears were dangerously close. If he blinked, if he said one more word, he would lose the fight.
"It's all right, Lee. It's all right."
He felt her arms around him; felt her hand at his head as he gave up and leaned against her shoulder. For a moment it was his grandmother's embrace; her soothing words and it was suddenly all right to let the tears come. He could let his guard down just this once, for her. He hugged his old bear tighter and cried.